Calpurnia’s Paranoia Beware the Ides of March, she said— if you ignore the signs, you’re dead. But Caesar did not share her dread and shuffled off to work instead. Once on the Senate floor he knew Calpurnia’s portent would prove true, for there among that motley crew was his best friend: Bruté, et tu? From out their togas flashed their knives and cut short mighty Caesar’s life. His last sharp thought was one of strife: I should have listened to my wife. Since then we’ve learned we must obey when premonitions come our way at night or in the light of day: if we don’t heed, our lives we’ll pay. Yes, all ten Roman months have Ides, so if a voice inside says hide, you’d better harken to your bride, avoid the workplace, stay outside. In fact, if I could have my way, I’d make the Ides a holiday. I’d let the people dance and play— but from Acropoli keep away. That said, I guess I’ll take my leave, I’ve no more quips left up my sleeve. The moral is you must believe your spouse—unless her name is Eve. Arnold Decides to Sell his Hummer Gas hit four bucks a gallon last summer and the recession began, which is why Arnold decided to sell his Hummer on eBay. It wasn’t such a bummer as it sounds; it was gas-guzzler good-bye once premium hit four bucks last summer and Arnold lost his job as a plumber. That’s when he saw he had to downsize his life and sell his beloved Hummer, but it wasn’t just about the numbers: Arnold knew it was time to simplify when gas went over four bucks last summer and he realized he had been dumber than the forebrain of a housefly when he signed on the line for his Hummer. Sure, Arnold will be poorer, but humbler and wiser for the ten-speed he’ll buy— all because gas hit four bucks last summer and he decided to sell his Hummer. I Know a Dog Who Thinks He is a Man I know a dog who thinks he is a man. He gets up every morning at five and drives a late-model Volvo sedan. After his usual breakfast of bran muffins, orange juice and coffee, he contrives, as only a dog who thinks he’s a man can contrive, where to pull his caravan that day. Should he visit Spain, the Maldives, Mexico in his late-model sedan? He opens his atlas and makes a plan, then shifts his Volvo into overdrive. Here is a dog who thinks he is a man. To date, he’s been to France and Pakistan, Borneo, Lapland and Tibet. He strives to span the world in his Volvo sedan. Did I mention his name is Caliban? Did I describe the dangers he’s survived? He’s not just a dog who thinks he’s a man: He’s a dog with a late-model sedan. Wayne Lee is a poet living in New Mexico. Featured Image: "Julius Caeser" from Versailles, photo by Carrie OBrien Sibley.