Forums SCP Workshop chemistry on leave Today
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  • #30245 Reply
    Sukarma Rani Thareja
    0 Posts

    Chemistry on Leave Today

    Chemistry is on leave today…….
    Please don’t knock at chemistry lab today.

    Today with sick family is present chemistry,
    Chemicals of beautiful wonderful chemistry,
    Antibiotics and lifesaving drugs- class apart,
    Are being sought by sick family in hospitals-smart.

    With man who has no job, is present chemistry,
    She knows her discovered-superconductors worthy,
    Are very much operative in lap top surely,
    For want advertised, she is searching in Goggle,
    To help unemployed gentle man, to fetch job suitable.

    With hungry orphan children is present chemistry,
    She is able to put some food in plate of orphan children –proudly,
    Is possible due to, fertilizer ammonium nitrate-synthesis discovery,
    UNESCO and world appreciates chemistry for being generous –brilliantly.

    Here with respected poor old lady is present chemistry,
    Searching for some good dress for her loved ones intensively,
    Buying her polymer- polyester dress bright lovely,
    So that it remains with family for decades happily.

    In world class universities, museums, high-tech parks, hospitals,
    Operation and entertainment theatres, class rooms, defence and research labs,
    Every moment echoes of blessing for chemistry could be heard ringing fast,
    With gratitude one is cherishing blessing of discoveries of chemistry at heart.

    Chemistry is on leave today……

    bio-She is retired associate professor of chemistry,CSJM Kanpur university, Kanpur, UP, India.She did Ph.D Chemistry from IIT-K , India. She has teaching and research experience of several years. Her works has been published in
    National/International conferences/Journal. In order to inculcate personal
    and creative interests in students she engages them in summarizing lectures
    after finishing a chapter in their own words and their own ways. On her
    part, to make students enjoy attending classes(academic or co curricular) and inspiring her visual learners she composes small poems, educational collages to introduce /recapitulate her lessons and general topics useful for students. This way students have an opportunity to combine chemistry/subject information with their personal reactions. The poem/ educational collage listed below is her humble effort to make co curricular /academic activities popular among visual learners/masses which otherwise could be monologue. She was selected as featured poet by featuredpoet.com-a platform for poets on 6th September 2016
    http://featuredpoet.com/featured-poet-dr-sukarma-rani-thareja
    Her academic venture as an artist and photographer has featured in the form of book(paper back)
    Science of Life and Nature(Paper Back): A Photo Poetry Collection: Sukarma Thareja: 9781521260067: Amazon.com: Books
    Amazon US link :

    Web site-sukarma thareja
    https://sites.google.com/site/drsukarmaranithareja/home

    Her academic venture as an artist and photographer has featured in the form of book(paper back)
    Science of Life and Nature(Paper Back): A Photo Poetry Collection: Sukarma Thareja: 9781521260067: Amazon.com: Books
    Amazon US link :

    Amazon UK link:

    Science of Life and Nature: A Photo Poetry Collection: Sukarma Rani Thareja:
    Kindle e-book

    Amazon.com

    Please don’t knock at chemistry lab today.

    Word count -203
    Dr Mrs Sukarma Rani Thareja
    Alumnus IIT-K-1986
    Kanpur,UP
    India

  • #30262 Reply
    Mark Stone
    0 Posts

    Sukarma, Hello. My comments, which are based purely on my personal preferences, are as follows.

    1. I’m sure that I’m missing something obvious, but I don’t understand the meaning of “Chemistry on Leave Today.”

    2. I would try to avoid dropping the “a” or “the” before a noun. For example, I would normally put “a” or “the” in front of nouns in the poem, such as “chemistry lab” in line 2, “sick family” in line 3, “man” in line 7, and “job” in line 11.

    3. I don’t care for inversions of the adjective and the noun, which are often done in order to accomplish a rhyme. Examples in the poem are “job suitable,” “superconductors worthy,” and “dress bright lovely.” The reason is that the speech does not sound natural. Also, it just makes rhyming too easy. Doing a noun-adjective inversion to make a rhyme is like shooting fish in a barrel.

    4. I would change “Goggle” to “Google.”

    5. I think the subject matter of the poem — how chemistry has greatly improved our lives–is important and is a good subject for a poem.

    Best wishes. Mark

  • #30387 Reply
    JULIAN WOODRUFF
    0 Posts

    Hello, Sukarma
    I think your point is: chemical products are life savers and life enhancers in ways we are apt to take for granted. (And what would we do without them?: “Chemistry is on leave today …”) Definitely a thought worth sharing!
    I hope you will indulge me: I think maybe you would benefit from reading a rewording of this poem in idiomatic English. I don’t undertake such a rewrite with the thought that it would make a superior poem, but simply so you can consider how a native English speaker might respond to your own words.

    Chemistry is on leave today…….

    Please don’t knock at chemistry lab today.

    Today for a sick family is chemistry present, (OR: … family chemistry is present; or, to parallel the
    word order in lines 6, 10, and 14, you could might use: “For a sick family today chemistry is
    present”)
    Chemicals of beautiful, wonderful chemistry,
    Antibiotics and lifesaving drugs–a class apart–
    Are being sought by a sick family in hospitals–smart. (the singular “hospital” would also work in much
    of the English-speaking world; however, in the USA and elsewhere, “a hospital” would be normal)

    For a man who has no job is chemistry present, (see comment for line 1)
    She knows her discovered superconductors [are] worthy, (but here the verb “are” can be understood
    without being used!; )
    Are surely very much operative in her laptop,
    For a want advertised she is searching in Google, (OR: “… searching Google,)
    To help an unemployed gentleman to find a suitable job. (the infinitive “to” before “find” could be
    omitted; the word “fetch” connotes physical distance)

    For hungry orphan children is chemistry present, (see comment, line 1)
    She is able to put some food on the plate of orphan children–proudly,
    Is possible due to, fertilizer ammonium nitrate-synthesis discovery, Possibly through the discovery of
    the fertilizer … (OR MORE LIKELY?: [A deed] Made possible through …)
    UNESCO and the world appreciate chemistry for being generous–brilliantly.

    Here for a respected poor old lady is chemistry present, (see comment for line 1)
    Searching for some good dress for her loved ones intensively, (see further comments, below)
    Buying a polymer-polyester dress, bright, lovely,
    So that it remains with her family for decades, happily.

    In world-class universities, museums, high-tech parks, hospitals,
    Operation and entertainment theatres, classrooms, defence and research labs,
    Every moment echoes of blessing for chemistry can be heard ringing fast.
    With gratitude one is cherishing the blessing of discoveries thorough chemistry at heart. With heartfelt
    gratitude one is cherishing … chemistry. (OR: … gratitude all are cherishing …)

    Chemistry is on leave today……

    Line 3: Chemicals … chemistry” is redundant. Maybe a metaphor or generalization such as “Wonders … chemistry”?
    Line 4: “a class apart” might apply to antibiotics, but seems too narrow to use for “life-saving drugs.”
    Line 5: Since most of the poem is unrhymed (except for the matter-of-course adverbial “-ly”), I don’t see the need for a slightly forced rhyme here: apart/smart.
    Line 7: “She” is very enigmatic. Consider a more specific role-related term (see also line 12). “… discovered semiconductors” is evidently the electronic search path, but the connection to chemistry is obscure, at least to a layman like me. Can you convey your thought clearly in 2-3 simple words?
    Line 8: “Are … operative”: this sounds a bit technical-analytical. Could you substitute a strong verb (“operate” or “work” or …?). “… very much … surely”: this seems an unnecessary intensification. Maybe pick one or the other?
    Line 9: “… want advertised …”: In the USA we call them “want ads”; not sure about elsewhere. So we might say, “she is searching the want ads,” or “she is searching through the want ads,” or maybe “she is combing/sifting the want ads.” To denote a single ad, you might say “employment notice” or “job notice.”
    Line 13, 17: Your chemistry words seem isolated, orphaned outside the lab. Find some literary substitutes. Maybe “synthetic” would do in line 17; not sure what to suggest for line 13.
    Line 12, 14, 16-18: You are relying on adverbs more than is usually advised. Especially when the adverbs modify words that are not close by, the effect is unsatisfying. If you were placing value on the repetition of sound at the end of these lines, I think there should be a good reason for so doing. (I did much the same thing in a poem a while back, but tried to use the tactic as a manic element in a narrative involving an escalating family battle.) I would try for adjectives, or, better, nouns to express these thoughts. In some of these lines word order is unidiomatic. I for one (plenty would disagree!) don’t mind poetic meddling with normal prose word order (especially to place a strong word at the end of a line!) but I think it’s best to do so only occasionally.
    Line 21: For “fast,” I’d substitute “wide,” unless you value the half-rhyme of labs/fast.

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