Forums SCP Workshop The Death Of A Star
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    • #30273 Reply
      VINAYAK.R.ADKOLI.
      43 Posts

      For every planet there is last revolution;
      Once more cooling year kindles its heart;
      With warm travel around the star;
      Scion prides the script in light across the art.
      Year after year a speck on the tale.
      By a whole galaxy, summons the star.
      Season after season, sure and safely guided;
      Facing the sulky fate;
      And being home, memory becomes a passion.
      With which star feeds his brood and colors home;
      Aware of ghosts that haunt her fidelity;
      And exiled love mourning down the sunset.
      The medium is strange with a mirage of mettle;
      The meteor casts it’s shadow, not its own;
      Down the long festive of twinkling stars
      Blows a cool gas from moorland scraps of mud.
      And day by day the whisper of age grows;
      That delicate subject, more urgent with despair;
      Custom and fear constraining sun no longer
      Drives him at last on the leagues of heat
      A vanishing secrete in those inane black holes,
      Single and frail, uncertain of his place
      Alone in the bright host of his companions,
      Lost in the paradise of space
      He feels it close now, the appointed season;
      The invisible thread is broken as he shines;
      Suddenly, without warning ,without reason
      The plaudit words of distant stars winks and dies.
      And darkness rises from eastern valleys.
      And the winds buffet earth with their hungry breath.
      And the great earth, with heather grief nor malice,
      Receives the tiny burden of aging sun.
      ————–
      About the author :

      Author is B.E. In Industrial Production. He has served as lecturer in mechanical department for ten years in three different polytechnics. He is also freelance writer and cartoonist.He is also a story writer and poet.
      ——–

      Written By :
      Vinayak. Ramachandra. Adkoli.
      Address for correspondance :
      Vinayak. Ramachandra. Adkoli.
      E – 116, Chikolli cross road,
      Upparkeri,
      KUMTA -581343
      UTTAR KANNADA DISTRICT
      KARNATAKA STATE
      Phone :
      Email : karnatakastory@gmail.com

      –//–//–

    • #30343 Reply
      Mark Stone
      43 Posts

      Vinayak, Hello. My comments, which are based purely on my personal preferences, are as follows.

      1. I would break the poem into four-line stanzas. This will make it is easier to read and digest and enjoy.

      2. I would make sure that the second and fourth lines of each stanza rhyme.

      3. If you want the poem to be a “formal” poem, then you will need to use meter.

      4. In line 14, I would change “it’s” to “its.”

      5. In the second to the last line, it would seem that “heather” should be “neither.”

      6. I would focus on the punctuation at the end of the lines. There are too many examples to discuss individually, but some of the punctuation choices seem inappropriate.

      7. There is a lot of beautiful language in the poem, but I think the form needs to be improved.

      Best wishes, Mark

    • #30415 Reply
      Kevin Hayes
      43 Posts

      Hi, Vinayak,

      I think this is a great poem, but I would break it into stanzas. I think it would make it easier to read.

    • #30599 Reply
      James Tweedie
      43 Posts

      Vinayak,

      I have not previously commented on anything posted in the SCP Workshop but will add something here in response to your poem. I find it a remarkable poem insofar as it sounds marvelous when read out loud and somehow manages to effectively capture an epic vision of space and time and the birth and death of planets, suns and, by implication, the universe and all the life and light and beauty that all of this represents for us here on earth. And the poem accomplishes this while at the same time linking line after line that, taken individually, do not seem to make a lick of sense.

      Here are a sample list of lines which seem to elude cogency.

      Scion prides the script in light across the art.

      And being home, memory becomes a passion.

      With which star feeds his brood and colors home;

      Aware of ghosts that haunt her fidelity;

      And exiled love mourning down the sunset.

      The medium is strange with a mirage of mettle;

      The meteor casts it’s shadow, not its own;

      Down the long festive of twinkling stars
      Blows a cool gas from moorland scraps of mud.

      Suddenly, without warning ,without reason
      The plaudit words of distant stars winks and dies.

      I am left to ponder whether this grandiloquent obfuscation is intentional or, is perhaps, related to writing in English as a second language?

      I don’t really have any suggestions to make except, perhaps, for one. In the next to last line I wonder it, instead of the word “heather” you meant to use the word “neither”?

      As I said at the beginning, despite a severe case of terminal gobbledygook, the poem somehow manages to effectively communicates a palpable sense of the inevitable doom, death, and extinction that awaits (as Douglas Adams would put it) “life, the universe, and everything.”

      As a result, I would call the poem a qualified success.

      The SCP (Society of Classical Poets) is, of course, dedicated to the promotion of classical, formal poetry (poems shaped by structured metrical, rhythmic patterns and ordinarily punctuated with words that rhyme. Since classical poetry is my interest and background I find myself unsure as to how to critique free verse poetry such as yours.

      In any case, I am glad I stumbled onto your poem. I’m sorry I couldn’t be more helpful.

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