Humor

  Two Fateful American Coin Flips   Asa Lovejoy, Francis Pettigrew & The Portland Penny We settled on the banks of the Willamette, “The Clearing’s” what we called our settlement. “A better name could prove to be an asset,” Said Asa, and I shared his sentiment. “It’s 1845 and folks...

  Pouting Polly Polly Esther finds her vesture positively snoring. Even worse, her purse looks like a tile of kitchen flooring. She’s not enthused about her shoes whose hues are lacking flair, And swears a hairless bear would never dare the ware she wears. Now Loafing Lester is a bear...

  The Bird with the Ugly Voice I kept a bird whose song was harsh and coarse, A jarring cry, a rasping, croaking force. I shut him in his cage beside the door, And hoped in time his voice might charm me more. I longed for melodies of sweet delight,...

  An Englishman to World Cups Past That 1966 World Cup _is but a memory, awarded, so the Scotsmen claim, _to England, quite unfairly. Since then, our World Cup wilderness _has had its ups and downs. A dwarfish Argentinian _denied us further crowns as did the wily Croats of _the...

  Faux Pas after Don Paterson When I decanted red, not white, and she called me a fool I bit my tongue, remembering that bird from Liverpool who kept her infant near the cooker while a cauldron boiled for sanitising nappies that the darling child had soiled and how the...

  Mothiavelli I’m thirsty for the fever of her kiss--- The neon sear---the lethal lick she brings. I burn to surf the heat of her abyss. I’ll skirt her scorch to shield my flimsy wings. I’ve heard the zap and breathed the sooty singe Of smitten kin who skimmed the...

  Three Kittens Went to Kitten-Garten Three kittens in kitten-garten. Whose teacher was a dog. They had to write their answers In their daily log. The dog would ask the kittens, “Are you ready now?” Each kitten had to answer, “Meow, meow, meow.” They boned up on their math, Then...

  Chaucer's Medieval Hangover Advice and Cure If you should quaff nocturnally too much, and waking, find your mouth’s a rabbit hutch in fragrance, while you’ve copiously been sick, raw eels and bitter almonds do the trick. Those eels and almonds cancel out what brew doth loiter in your guts,...

  Spontaneous Conjugal Combustion ---a villanelle He simply couldn't turn the other cheek On ceaseless babble drowning out the game. He caved to scorching fits of crimson pique. He smoldered, snapped, then hollered like a freak--- Sparks flared and flew; his words were far from tame. She simply couldn't turn...

  Hamlet's Lawyer Will Shakespeare? Here. These papers are for you. Aye, open them. A summons and complaint! Don’t grumble, sir! We have the right to sue, And Lord knows you are neither prince nor saint. You stand accused, you whoreson playwright bore! You recall nought? You do not give...

  À la Carte A crouton on a flaccid salad, Your dinner date adds texture to An otherwise anemic toss, And with a tint not half so pallid Promotes your lettucey appeal To something more than total loss. So drink the wine and thank the Father For garnishing your evening...

  The Cautionary Tale of Phone Addicted Mimi A girl called Mimi thought it best to give her active brain a rest. She bought the latest mobile phone, the same as her BFF, Joan, and all day long would browse and scroll, which soon became her single goal. At school...

  Waiting for the Perfect Man A woman waiting for the perfect man, though she was far from perfect, had a list of qualities a man must have. Her plan to claim perfection could not be dismissed; on certain traits, she simply must insist. When she was thirty-five and still...

  Have a Nice Week! I wish you a wonderful week! May Monday go smoothly and sleek, And Tuesday productive at work; Perhaps you’ll enjoy a new perk. I bet Wednesday runs really fast. Behold, half a week has just passed. On Thursday be happy and bright The week is...

  The Cover-up Everything went smoothly on the morning that we launched __And headed off to make our flight through space. And we’d now been receding from the earth for three long years, __While traveling at a hard to fathom pace. Now at last our destination loomed before our eyes...

  Interdisciplinary Indiscipline A lifetime ago, back in seventh-grade band, “The Bullwhip” had all us kids pledge to expand Our goals for our music. He went on to ask us To double our time spent in personal practice. The girls—mostly woodwinds—were eager to please; Ol’ Bullwhip could always control them...

  How Septuagenarian’s Cope Past seventy. Age does prevail. _The day is growing dim. I’ve managed through life’s calms and gales— I still can trapse through woodland trails _And work out at a gym. Past seventy. Age does assail. _Our grandkids prove time zooms! Their one-track minds never derail: Just...

  Snow Foe I’m rather certain snow falls for a reason, Like adding charm to wintertime’s cold season. But after many years of getting pelted, My favorite type of snow is when it’s melted.     A Few Seconds More If there could be one thing about myself that I’d...

  The Sun The sun’s so conscientious She gives us every dawn--- Her rays across the treetops And then across the lawn. Don't you think it's wonderful That sloth is not her sin: She never just rolls over And decides she will sleep in?     Leslie Lippincott Hidley is retired...

  Sough I learned a new word, “sough,” today. _I think it’s quite poetic. Although it’s quirky in a way _That’s odd but not pathetic. It seems it sometimes rhymes with “suff,” _Though “sow” is most preferred. But if you don’t try hard enough _And “sight rhyme?” How absurd! In...

  Montaigne and Us He holed up in his tower of stone, alone, Sickened by what he saw had overcome All France: religious wars, the worst they’d known. Was Paris worth a mass grave? Yes, said some. His library well stocked, his pen in hand, His essays surveyed his own...

  Mice and Midges Please remove your shoes of leather During this inclement weather. Also boots with deepest ridges, Full of bits of mice and midges. Footwear wet with spew or spoor, Should not pass beyond this door. Running shoes appearing white, Underneath may harbor blight Or parasites or slimy...

Listen, Wishin' Star Listen, you cotton pickin’ Wishin’ Star, I know how far up in the sky you are. I sent a wish up to your starry vaults; I made a wish and I expect results. My wish was quite explicit. I told you who Was one I wished for,...

  A Fishing Tale ---24 November 2025 Young Jeffrey oft went fishing with his dad Sometimes for perch but oftener for shad. When spawning shad were running wild upstream To catch one, two, or three was Jeffrey’s dream. Jeff’s daddy drove his boat upstream and down They trolled and brought...

  Leak Oh, versifyingʼs worthless unless you know the what and why Of saying something deep and true, or of the moon and sky. Now, nature doesnʼt interest me---no matter how celestial. The music of the spheres to me, it doesnʼt sound orchestral. Iʼm gloomy almost all the time, and...

  Thomas Paine Publishes Common Sense   London, 1774 A man walked through the door, escaping rain. His shoes were full of holes where water trailed. “Beg pardon, sir, the name is Thomas Paine. I need some work.” He held an ad Ben nailed. His concave abdomen, curtailed In thickness,...

  A Gift from the South Seven degrees outside. How can it be that clouds float northwards? It’s not arctic air that’s passing through. So then, is it the rare Antarctic breath unwarmed by tropic sea, though summer rules the south? Can that account for such a strange occurrence? “Frigid...

  Dirty White Dwight’s Plight Finally, the rains return, And Dwight the snowman’s taciturn Sad features are yet sadder still, For him it seems it’s all downhill. And as we watch his slow demise, To our dismay we realise, That though we cursed him day and night, We think we’ll...

  Advice to a Cigar Aficionado If you smoke a cheap cigar You may get severe catarrh, For a poor grade of tobacco Can drive your bronchial system wacko. Stick to stogies from Havana Which are like angelic manna. Even though they are illicit (Yes, the law is quite explicit)...

  Blooming Early or Late? This tyro of six years reads hardly a word. The idea of language displayed on a screen or printed on paper strikes him as absurd— no matter for minds like his, agile and keen. It’s stuff—string and tape, stacks of cardboard and paper— he much...

  Ancestors Forlorn From elderly to youngest child, Methinks our forebears never smiled! It seems that every picture shows Each person with a solemn pose! When shutters snapped and powder flashed, All faces froze! All smiles were trashed! No cheery smile was ever gleaned. Was each upon a lemon weaned?...

  Rhyme Crimes How strange that rhymes for “wife” abound While rhymes for “husband” don’t exist. An “errant” “parent” might be found, But “children?” Rhymes aren’t on the list! And even worse, when poets seek A rhyme for the word “family” There’s only two, they’re up a creek With “hammily”...

  Sally Forth, Ms. Cook "My holiday shall be That they remember me; My paradise, the fame That they pronounce my name. —Emily Dickinson I’m well acquainted with a gal named Sally, Whose verses span the hither and the yon— She’s mapped more real estate than Rand McNally And raises...

  Ode to My Plumber Bubble, bubble toilet trouble, Fix this problem on the double. Plugged up draining. Will not flush. When it breaks loose, gonna gush. Nowhere for the stuff to go When there's stoppage far below. Situation most alarmin'. Someone overused the Charmin, Forming one big massive plug...

  Choosing a Thermometer If tubes hypoglottal Can cause you to throttle, And things in your ears Breed irrational fears, And under your armpits Occasion for harm sits, While probes in your nose May precipitate flows, Then you I expect’ll Most likely want rectal.     From Hesiod Cronus, while...

. Beyond "Daffodils" The British weather gets my goat. For once, upon a morning stroll, My path became a flooded moat, Whilst lightning’s flash and thunder’s roll Alarmed me with their blinding din - The downpour soaked me to the skin. I trudged through muck, avoided trees Lest I should...

  On Time I went to bed too late last night And woke up to an awful fright But now it’s done, what can I say? Tomorrow turned into today They say time flies, you never know About the days, where do they go? A penny in your pocket, say...

  The Candy Bandits They’re heartless and artful---delinquents of wit With grab-happy claws and a glare that is lit With greed that will trigger each dastardly deed--- These boisterous brutes are of barbarous breed. Such ghastly marauders with mischief in mind Are out and about with no doubt they will...

  Uncle Stanislaw I still can hear the sound of acorns popping Beneath the wheels of father’s horse-drawn cart As we drove through the woods—four hooves a-clopping— Where Uncle Stan, his brother, plied his art. His smokehouse was a wreck of salvaged timbers, His living room a den of salted...

  Queen of Chaos I am the Queen of Chaos, Empress of Entropy. Czarina of Disorder, My stuff is all at sea: My desk is full of ashtrays My floor is full of books My bureau’s full of clothing And my kitchen’s full of cooks. My living room has weasels...