Humor

  The One That Got Away Nelson Cedrick Thunderwood, a Colonel in the army, has served his country faithfully for thirty-seven years. I doubt if there's a medal Colonel Nelson hasn’t won... he’s earned the admiration and respect of all his peers. In the mess hall, during lunch, a private...

  Three Short Poems by Heinrich Heine translated from German by Josh Olson   1 I laugh at every doltish jackanapes Whose drooling, goat-like visage leers at me; I laugh at every fox who sneeringly Approaches, sniffs me up and down, and gapes; I laugh at all the bloated, learned...

. Nice Things Done Most of the nice things some people will do,Are done partly for their own benefit too.But even if their motivation’s the latter,When nice things are done, do the reasons much matter? . . A Sense of Belonging With social motivationOne need forever strongIs fighting isolationTo feel...

  A Letter I came to babysit your cats _‘Round eight o’clock tonight, But things aren’t going as they ought _And… I’m nervous, so I thought It might be good to write. (In my defense, you could have said That I should be prepared, Then maybe I could plan ahead...

  Emily Dickinson: A Brief Synopsis Emily Dickinson Wished Mr. Higginson Hadn’t been so loath Her poems to critique. Higginson, piqued At her rhyme and her syntax, Wished he could toss them Right into next week. Em then dissembled— She loved to seem small, for It lessened the hurt Of...

. A Sonnet upon a Most Ungrateful Gnat Upon my back a spiteful gnat did sting, I cried aloud, and clapped my hand in pain; The knave returned, still buzzing on the wing, As though my torment were his chiefest gain. I struck him down, yet soon there came his...

. Modern Blessing May you have five bars upon your phone _And a WiFi signal strong. May your identity stay yours alone _If you click on something wrong. May you never need good health care _Or the assistance of an official, And may you always be two steps ahead _Of...

. The Pentagon Panama Plan A place in turmoil—Panama_In nineteen eighty-eight—Was where the strongman Noriega_Was busy tempting fate. The Pentagon felt like a dreamworld_Where fantasies were made.Years later the 9/11 plane struck_That office where I’d stayed. Lieutenant Colonels stationed there_Were often called “gophers.”We'd go for coffee, go for errands,_Go find...

. Last Minute Change Fowl, tragic days, Hen-house ablaze; Chickens took flight. Tofu tonight? . . A Man Eating Chicken A comma, a pause, Defines the thought, And whether a chicken Eats me or not. . . Musical Chairs And the music stops. No chair for me, I walk away,...

. To a Most Tempting Pancake “Quae mollis est, amanda est.” (What is soft, is to be loved) ---Libri Matutini (Book of Breakfasts) O golden disc, with cinnamon imbued, Thou float’st in butter, warm and debonair. Thy milky mix, with gentle hand subdued, Becomes a silken blend beyond compare. Thine...

. Pointless Poems Why do women shave their legs, It seems unnecessary. The question lingers, pleads and begs, What’s wrong with being hairy? “Water, water, everywhere “And all the boards did shrink.” Why did they shrink? Ask if I care? I don't! “What do you think?” “Why did the chicken...

. Advice to a Young Man in Love If her name is Sally, then _Tattoo it on your arm With Lovehearts terminally, and _It won’t do any harm, Because, when Sally breaks your heart, _There’s Sallys up and down Quite every street in every part _Of every country town. But...

. Modes of Divination The future’s course, in all of its essentials, Is augured from a steaming heap of entrails. The tea leaves, buoyed by meniscus, Will show you where the greatest risk is. For aging hippies, using the I Ching. Is probably a nearly perfect thing. Astrologers are confident...

. A Horse’s Tale: King Arthur’s Great Steed The horse known for bearing the greatest of kings— Proud Thor was considered the worthiest horse; Such that if all horses had voices to sing, They’d sing all their praises in honor of Thor. But horses can’t sing and only can neigh,...

. The Power I’ve noticed more and more of late My power to infuriate Is stronger than it’s ever been. I exercise it even when I try to be both dull and sweet And humble, willing, incomplete. Infuriation fills the air; I feel it in each icy stare, The phone...

. Dear Blabby’s Advice for the Clueless _I want to write a column _Like Abigail Van Buren To give out my elite advice _It’s something that I’m good in. _I plan to title it, _“Dear Blabby,” if you please. They’ll think I’m being serious, _But I will shoot the breeze....

. The Troubadour Remembers A troubadour wayfaring town to town, Hamlet to homestead, dale to grassy down, While he his vagabond mandora strummed, Now with the bass, now with the treble hummed, Until the dancing echoes of the air, Cast on the seas of carefreeness and care, Lured from the...

. Conjugation: Tense with Mood ---a verbal disagreement between the indicative and the subjunctive If I were all that I could be, Perhaps I’d spend eternity Cavorting in a field of lilies With thoroughbred seductive fillies. But I am just a common man, Essentially no better than A frog that’s...

. Of Cats and Cardinals ---for George Lionel (2005 – 2025) You left us at the hour of the owlWhen shameless moons are far too loud and bold__For one so still and cold---One shrouded in a freshly laundered towel,One lowered oh so softly in the earth---___Our whiskered gift,Our lifeless, purrless...

. Spoiled-Rotten Cat Instructs Visitors Don’t you dare try to sit in my spot! I’ll decide if you pet me or not. _I’m the star here you’ll see. _They all cater to me. They just like you; they LOVE me a lot. . . Ninety-Nine Candles Great Grandpa made this...

. Don't Call Me Shirley A Comic Homage Robert Hayes as reluctant pilot Ted Striker: “Surely you can’t be serious!” Leslie Nielsen as Dr. Rumack: “I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley.” (From “Airplane!” screenplay by Jim Abrahams, David Zucker, Jerry Zucker) I said to him, “But surely that’s...

. Of a Feather Professor Swann was new among the fonts of knowledge chugging up the tenure track; he'd earned his place among the college fac- ulty with bold views and a fierce response to critics. Apropos to ambience the ivied walls lent, students dared attack his points with blatant...

. Myths _I mined the Grecian myths _and wrung from them this gem: The gods amuse themselves with us and we amuse ourselves with them. . . Chuang Tzu We steal all our lives, was Chuang Tzu’s belief, to gather up booty for some greater thief. . . O Lethe...

. Therapy ---After "Help! I Can’t Stop Speaking in Iambic!" by Cynthia Erlandson Help! I can’t stop writing psychobabble!No matter what I pen, it comes out gabble. I scribble nonsense verses all the time,self-actualize through crafting metered rhyme. Long past the age of addled, callow youth,I'm still endeavoring to find...

. Dad and I Our sessions last an hour or two at most, for we get through them just as fast as can be managed, trying not to stir the ghost of hurts supposed to help me be a man. When Dad was young, he knew exactly what the world...

. A Sonnet for My One True Love Forever let the night go on and on, My body to your softness gently pressed, Nor let the touch of shameful, blushing dawn, Wake me, part us, and end a lover’s rest. How I adore your smooth and silky form, And how...

. I Would Say Yes ---a villanelle for Larry on our 36th Anniversary We were young and rather stupid then, But still I see that we were meant to be. I would say yes a thousand times again. From the first we’ve been the best of friends; Life was simple...

. A Winter's Tale There’re many strange and spooky tales, That come from England’s hills and dales. When Winter tightens up its grip, As feet and fingers start to slip. For on a cold December day, I ventured on the upland way, A spell of solace for to find, From...

. Durus Frater, Alma Mater Spring forward to where former arch-rivals Fall back on tall stories of the travels They enjoyed after two years of college, Before graduation sealed the knowledge Of how little there was to learn keeping Track of credit hours, how hours spent sleeping Made for better...

. Alotta Lip About my Hip Alotta lip about my hip On paper, phone, computer-drive. The new one at my femur’s tip Has generated verbal jive Beyond my wits. I can’t contrive The need for queries they should skip. I’ve been forever asked of these: “How is your pain? Drive...

. Auntie Barb ---a pantoum She cuts the cheats and charmers to the quick—Her tongue will skin a scoundrel in a wink.She’ll scupper every swindler’s slickest trickBefore the scoffers have a chance to blink. Her tongue will skin a scoundrel in a wink.Acerbic quips will shrink the overblown.Before the scoffers...

. Roads of Potter County Finally Spring has come north here---Always my favorite time of year.Potter will tease you in some way---Tomorrow might be a snowy day. Instead there came the green of grass,The white of snow its height surpassed.I rode and mowed without a pain,Across the lawn I would...

. Kissing Cousin I see her every two years, usuallyWhen someone dies or marries. And we kissAs if we were old lovers, passionately,Just as a silly spoof. She says I missThese hot encounters! Prudish maiden auntsAre duly scandalized, and start to talk.I say Now ladies, I’ve kept on my pants—When...

. Know Your Place __“Know your place!” In grammar school, that stung like mace.“To the corner!”—my timeout place. __“Know your place.” On my first date, with pimpled face,I never even reached first base. __“Know your place.” Now I craft poems, surely first rate!An editor wrote, “Do erase:Your poems plod like...

. Spring Has Sprung Spring has sprung. It has begun--- _Birds nesting in the tree. It’s warm again. The cackling hen _Can go outside to pee. Spring has sprung. It’s time for fun. _New flowers bloom each day. The cow awaits by the barn gates _Where I can make her...

. Sally  November rains brought to our basement door From the woods some pleading, needy eyes Staring from a fur mass, soaking wet. Our catless home (about to be no more) Welcomed her and tended to her cries. By Providence we had ourselves a pet. I don’t recall why Sally...

. The Water Closet An earthen pit, an outhouse stool, a chamber pot— We’ve long dispensed with these, the whole damn stinking lot! The housewife and the maid no longer shout, “Gar’ l’eau!” Before the toss of waste on city streets below. A lady needn’t lift her skirt, nor man...

. Ogre Food My parents, dear, although you love me so; and in your love, wish only for my best. Yet, to the first-grade class I will not go, nor shall I end my tears of loud protest. For fearful premonitions haunt my thoughts. My heart is filled with terror...

. Written in a Cubicle What spurs me, in this breathing grave of coffee mouths and cheeks unshaved, to stand upon my chair and shout, __"I'm out! I'm out of this forever-widening coop where glumness, going on a loop, entraps, within its strangling mesh, __the mind and flesh?" I should...

. A Faithful Friend's Advice The girl you have is just the one for you— my head could not conceive a better match. She is your sun, your earth, the very glue that rightly holds your tattered life attached. The stars aligned to seal your fate with her There is...