Humor

. Phone Home I often talk to radio astronomers, The kind of guys who like to stay anonymous, Who chew on reams of stellar data every day From objects, many million, zillion miles away. In England’s fields,...

. A Tiny Tabby Beside our garden’s scalloped fence, where English Ivy’s vines are dense, we viewed an unexpected sight; a mini tiger, gold and white! This morning’s new, bewildered guest, abandoned here...

. I Saw a Naked Wood Nymph I sat down in the forest, a picnic in the shade. I saw a naked wood nymph flitting across the glade. I dropped my sandwich there laying on the ground. I went to chase the wood...

. I Never Do a Happy Dance I never do a happy dance, Or look online to find romance, Speak my sentences upended, Or keep saying I’m offended, Check my email every hour, Never seeing tree or flower, Drink my...

. 1. Just off the cuff, I’d cap the alcoholic swill __Before it calls your bluff and saps your will. . 2. The dead, although their tongues are somewhat tied, Might know already all you might...

. King George III Declares War from Legends of Liberty, Volume 2 Note: The British have won a pyrrhic victory at Bunker Hill. King George, who has been showing some erratic personality quirks since being...

. Dishing Out Advice Why are there always dishes in the sink? So lazy and undisciplined. You’d think they might show just a little more respect and know that household members will object. But there they...

. Epicure's Delight A wondrous day, my love, is this— An afternoon of utter bliss! The two of us alone at last Embracing tightly, holding fast! The setting sun could scarcely vie To match the fire in your...

. To a Beet I sing the bristled hedgehog grainno horticulture can explain,with six sly seedlings in its brain:__the unborn beet.  That hook-and-hollow hydra seed, a spiny knell to nascent weeds;nor leaf nor...

. A Curse Against a Thief from the Carmina Burana Let the thief who stole my cap be by death collected: Let it happen suddenly, and be unexpected; After death, to endless pain let him be subjected; Once he’s...

. A Divine Mistake? Dear Father up in Heaven, Why create thou rats. Six times out of seven They even scare the cats. Why create thy creature’s eye So beady and so small, With no redeeming features, Why...

. Overkill K.I.S.S. ("Keep it simple, stupid.") My heart enflamed with rapture, burned With passionate desire; yearned For her and only her, consumed By fire. And like a flower, bloomed Poetic as I told her...

. Third-Degree Burns A young poet who came from Dundee Looked around him and then took a knee, __For the older he grew __The more surely he knew That accomplishment wasn’t to be. But another lad, whom...

. Shakespeare's Women for Susan Jarvis Bryant, who has a spiritual home in Stratford-on-Avon It’s April 23rd. The rain is pouring And from the Gulf the Poet can hear thunder. She sips Earl Grey. Her regal...

. Not Sonnet 18… Yet I strain in vain to sparkle like the Bard. I strive to spill slick iambs by the ream. Comparing thee to spring in my backyard Just doesn’t thrill like Will’s lush summer dream. My...

. Goodbye, Sweetie Oh, devil-angel, Sugar! Your time’s done! You rot my teeth, yet melt upon my tongue. I’m forced to hide my black smile from the sun; meantime, my exhalations smell like dung. You cause...

. The Meat Purveyor’s Son Aesthetically impaired, she was the heir to daddy’s fortune. She was plumpish, short and much too close together were the eyes. She hankered after marriage with a man to birth at...

. The Qua-Train In four lines stood iambic feet To board the quatrain from the street. The poem made of quatrain cars Passed each four lines like music bars. Each quatrain car rolled down the track, First the...

. The Book on Lefty McBane McBane could do no wrong—from his debut, late in his rookie season, right on through his grandfather’s retirement. Every pitch he threw gave batters a decided itch to hit ... the...

. Distress Signals an extended villanelle Distressing times are coming round again, And all the talking heads now flap their jaws To say it isn’t if, but rather when.— There is a dearth of good upstanding...

. Coffee Limericks . I love to have coffee each morning, Including the act of the pouring: __I smell the aroma, __Come out of my coma, And wonder why you still are snoring. . I start with a coffee each...

. . Homophonophobic (This poem is so vain and humorous you’ll burst a vein or break your humerus) My editor returned my latest piece, but all my comrades lay in pools of red revisions. Storms of mourning...

. The Alleged Bulldozer My wife told me, shortly after we got married, that I “bulldozed” her into the marriage. Bulldozed you into marriage? A most preposterous claim. Such silly thoughts disparage the...

. Bowing to Power Although they might Not do what’s right, The very strong Are never wrong. If you complain, You’ll feel the pain That’s coming to A town near you. . . Domestic Finances Awash in...

. Hatching A gelid mass of wings that seethed and surged— A squeamish sight that caught me by surprise— A swarming hatch of termites had emerged A host of queens to mount and fertilize. They sprang from...

. Probing for the Problematic Polyp Bob was testy yesterday. __A fractious, famished fellow. You would be, too, if all that you __consumed was juice and Jell-O. He downed the colon cleansing drink. __The...

. On Me I am a simple Eastern bard __Who moseys by the heather That grows in sweeping fields and loves __To dance in springy weather. I glamourize my hometown great, __Pen tales of grief and love, And avidly...

. Ipse Dixit I say Cogito ergo sum To the animal here in the room. So how do I know I exist? Well, here’s a provisional list: I doubt, and I fear, and I bleed; I attend to a friend who’s in need. The...

. Ode to a Dodo  inspired by Paul A. Freeman’s "Paradise Island"   O tragic fowl of cataclysmic fate, Your magic thrives beyond your wretched end. O plumed and portly gem of plodding gait, Your vexing...

. How Septuagenarian’s Cope Past seventy. Age does prevail. __The day is growing dim. I’ve managed through life’s calms and gales— I still can trapse through woodland trails __And workout at a...

. The Knitted Dress I began with the best of intentions, Though in hindsight I have to confess, That the scope of my project’s dimensions Were a little ambitious I guess. I imagined an intricate pattern, In...

. A Musical Offering When Bach arrived at Sanssouci, King Frederick said, “Sir, you must be tired. My fortepianos may help to revive you. Please, come play.” While Bach was busy at the keys, the king...

. A Temporary Exhibit A million drops of water will be sprayed Across my yard today. And each of them Will capture the refraction of each blade Of grass, each dandelion leaf and stem. Each image is reversed...

. Masks When tourists arrive in our village, The question that most of them ask, Is, “Why is it all of your menfolk, Are walking around wearing masks?” Well, it started way back in the sixties, While...

. Left Outside The shopping cart, precisely ordered now while searching for those perfect little lines of lights for decorations---anyhow, I'm sure there must be something that combines with lights around the...

. Dear Death… Don't tickle with your sickle __Don't taunt me when I'm sick. Don’t make me writhe. Don’t spare the scythe. __Be slick and stick me quick. Don’t waltz me long and slowly __Through...

. Requiem The notes we cherish most Are gathered from the throats Of those who perished young. The song we sadly toast Was sown from wanton oats, Disowned and never sung. . . Role Models __A forager is...

. On Cats and Love My cat does not explain himself. He knows his reasons. Why must I? He needs to bathe while on a shelf Or hunt some trash? I don’t care why. I do not need to understand. I love him since...

. The Kakistocracy Does the news give you malneirophrenia, __but you've not been to sleep? Do you galumph all day around the house, __your mind in sorrows deep? Do politicians bring on crapulence, __but...

. Shakespeare Re-placed Re-Verse Engineering In the picture above, SCP poet James A. Tweedie has taken the image of Venus from Botticelli’s Primavera and relocated her to the upstairs bathroom in his home....