Humor

. Medieval Scam Letter Felicitations from the Holy Land, Where I, as sole survivor of a band Of mercenary soldiers stashed away Much booty; and concealèd it shall stay Until a boat’s procured to sail me home. I found your name within the Domesday tome, A family respected and adored;...

. The Sky Within The rolling sea becomes a frothy lather When argent Sister Moon calls forth a tide And sooty billows on the skyline gather. A flash of lightning urges us inside Where we observe the phases of our moods, Uninterested in commonplace diversions, And when a shadow of...

. The Tortoise and the Hare in limericks A tortoise and hare were a-talkin’. Said Hare: “Why, your slowness is shockin’! __If we ran a race, __You’d be a disgrace. I’d win, even if I were walkin’.” Said Tortoise, “No, hare, I would beat you. As swift as you are,...

. The Number 53: To His Coy Transport Had we but world enough and time, My coy and tardy 53, This hesitancy were no crime And I’d be waiting patiently. When other buses came along I’d not obstruct or block the queue. If someone barged me in the throng, Without...

. Henry at Morning Time I’m lost in Greek or Latin, when You break into my life again. “Daddy, look! It’s morning time,” You say, as rays of sun sublime Bring color to the room. The leaves of Philosophes serene Read better in this morning gleam, But I’ll not sit...

. Don't Mess with Texas Gals On My Late Life Wife . Don't mess with my hot Texan. She's Texas born and bred. She does not fool with strangers. She'd rather see them dead. They said when she was born She had fire in her eye, The doctor wouldn't spank...

. The Number 44: The Cookery Class Now, this is a tale of a cookery class; It happened in Battersea early one March. The teacher was Jane who though barely thirteen Already sought fame as a culinary queen. Our Jane had decided, supported by Mum, To ask all her friends and...

. The Adventures of Verb At six, I had a dictionary Where I would meet a man named Verb, Superb and quite extraordinary, In every definition’s blurb, Right at the finish, did while doing, For example: “Verb chewed, chewing.” In my mind, I saw Verb clearly, With brown hair, mustache,...

. Fifth Glyph This glyph, in British talk, occurs most oft--- most common, too, writ down within our books. Twixt ‘a’ and ‘z’ it’s fifth, not sat aloft but low and unassuming in its looks. An ‘o’ ajar, in small form, with a rod slid inwards at a horizontal slant; this symbol...

. Gnome A long-time fixture at our home Is Schnozz, our little garden gnome. This non-complaining happy chap Appears to have a handicap, And looks to me, I must confess, A poor neglected, grubby mess. His hollow body, cheaply cast, Sadly wasn’t made to last. Beaten down by wind and...

. Come September a pantoum Ohio State’s your home come September, Though we'll be lonely, stuck as empty nesters. Our home will be without its central member, When college life will beckon each semester. Though we'll be lonely, stuck as empty nesters, We'll always cherish memories of you as a...

. Butterfly Habit Ungainly butterfly, Misdirected flight. Fascinating random, Unpredictable delight. To and fro… up and down And backwards if you please, Bumbling aeronautics Independent of the breeze. Unruly butterflies, Liberated dancers. Whimsically wonky Little hit and miss romancers. Playful little femme fatale, Capriciously she teases, Wobbling uncontrollably On butterfly...

. On Second Thought When words fail, __perhaps it’s not the words at all, __but hobbled minds that cannot call __a lucid image to avail ____the powers of description. When love fades, __it might not be true love that’s lost, __but rather that endearments tossed __with shoptalk salad-wise evades ____all...

. A Poetic Heretic’s Poetry Tips a villanelle inspired by Dr. Salemi's essay "Poetry As The Philosophers Stone" Don’t listen to the howl of highbrow spiel From preachy creatures out to flatten flair. Don’t let the sunbeam-zappers sap your zeal. Don’t bow to scoffing boffins. Never kneel Before a do-it-my-way doctrinaire. Don’t listen to the howl of highbrow spiel. Don’t let...

. Ode to the Turnip Oh, turnip! You’re a vegetable maligned, suggestive of a drunk’s empurpled nose. Baked, or boiled, or steamed, on you I’ve dined, then revelled in a peaceful night’s repose. Your sweet and nutty earthiness when cooked __belies a dull repute--- __though you’re the favourite root on...

. The Shortfalls of Empirical Knowledge Sorry, Iowa. Each night is different from all previous And therefore not the same as those to come. The ways of Nature can be devious: They test experience and leave us numb To expectations we would otherwise Have nurtured and applied to form our...

. Why Children Like Nursery Rhymes A story to be told, a tale to tell Of things that do not matter much at all. Who cares about the farmer in the dell? Or Humpty-Dumpty falling off a wall? The pickled peppers Peter Piper Picked? Jack Horner in the corner eating...

. Salutations, Spring We sing your praises long before you’re due and after you’ve departed—all year long! You bring green grass and flowers into view— plus bugs, torrential rains, and winds so strong. You come with warmth to woo the Earth to life. Sweet fragrances come wafting on the breeze....

. A Few Special Letters . The mother goddess The m’s the mother goddess of the letters: Her shape exemplifies the female form. A bosom there for some, a bottom others; For warmth and comfort is the m the norm. Indeed, no woman could exist without her; Of matriarchy is she head and sum. The m holds all of...

. Growing Up . Starving Children in China If you don’t eat the food that’s on your plate ....I will, in turn, assert That you will be excused—no need to wait— ....For you won’t get dessert. . Crime and Punishment Your sister says that you were rude. Until you change...

. The King of Ice Cream in reference to recent Biden comments here. The current White House resident Is more than just the President. He’s King! The King of Ice Cream! A freezer-full of ice cream! A tragic shooting in Tennessee? He’ll get those guns away, you’ll see. In the meantime,...

. Parque España, Mexico City I walked until I couldn't walk without at least alighting on a city bench, the first that had a shaded seat, about ten yards from workers digging out a trench to place a pipe to mend a water break. But this was causing traffic to...

. The Number 274: Timothy Pugh Now this is the story of Timothy Pugh Who woke up one morning in Regent's Park Zoo. He couldn’t recall what had happened before, Nor how he had boarded the 274. He couldn’t remember events on the bus, Nor whether his buggy had caused...

. The following is an excerpt of Don Quixote by Miguel Cervantes, encompassing most of Chapters 1 through 8, including Don Quixote getting his start, acquiring his squire Sancho Panza, and going on the infamous adventure against the windmills. It is based on the 1880 translation by John Ormsby, has been updated...

. The Tragedy of the p and the q . Lovers in eternity The p and q were two eternal lovers Who faced each other in the alphabet. To all else lost, oblivious of others, The ideal Romeo and Juliet. But though united in their gaze forever Yet in the...

. Avalon This little tale concerns a man, Who in an English village ran A thriving little corner shop, Supplying shakes and soda pop. This fellow did his best to try, His customers to satisfy, As in his shop, they waited while, He took their money with a smile. One...

. The Dandelion Suburbia frowns upon her sunlit face: “Out, out thou upstart weed!” Poor Dandelion —like sisters Cinderella, Queen Anne’s lace— a beauty cast aside; no bed to lie in. Medicinal, nutritious: a balm on scrapes and sores, on insect bites; the grape of dandy wines. Yet scorned, like...

. How to Write Contemporary Poetry a pantoum in free verse composition keep letters lower case. dump classical tradition then cite the marketplace. keep letters lower case make use of ampersands then cite the marketplace if no one understands. make use of ampersands so texts can look progressive. if no...

. Learnin’ Letters I wanna learn me letters Ma, I wanna learn ta read. If I can learn me letters Ma, We’ll ‘ave the things we need. An’ when I grows ta be a man, I’ll be a proper gent, Discussin’ trade ‘n’ politics… I’ll knows what all they meant....

. The Antiques Buyer Meets His Match "What's the best you'll do?" I asked; __“It's nice, but needs some work... and parts for these, as you may know, __are sometimes hard to find!” “If you don't like it—leave it, sir,” __the gray-haired lady quipped; “finding what it needs to function...

. The Leprechaun Come mid-March, the leprechaun Glides up and o’er the rainbow, Playful as a unicorn That’s prancing in a meadow. With greedy eyes glimmering, And shim’ry as a peacock, He slides to earth, shimmying, And lands among the shamrock. “Where, O where’s me pot-o-gold?” Those greedy eyes, now...

. The Scottish Gourmand A culture-rich country which lay to the east where we were invited to conference and feast from Cuba to China, and some of the rest they bade them here gather and money invest for though that land needed infusions of cash its laws were quite muddled...

. The Number 17: Ondine and Lucien’s Great Adventure;  Or, The Kind that Can Float from The Bus Poems: A Tale of the Devil, currently in preparation. Now this is a tale of two very good friends; They lived on a road made entirely of bends. And he was called...

. Homeric Hot or Not (Hotness Ratings Out of 10) . 10 By birth divine and radiantly tressed And beautiful and of a charm possessed That turns men into pigs if she’s inclined, A better girl than Circe none can find, 10 While of the boys, for clever, handsome, strong...

. Winter Hyphenation Knit cap above, two squinting eyes below Face frozen fresh-fall snowfall, white as snow. Constricted pupils dim the sight and fight Against the blinding sunrise-lumined light. An ice-chill world where exhaled, hot breath steams And wreathes a winter wonderland of dreams Where muffled footfalls squeaky-clean impress Compressive tracks...

. The Reagan with apologies to Edgar Allan Poe Once upon a long and weary voting day with chances dreary for a quaint and curious choice, a nominee we all adore; while I gauged the sense of voting, suddenly I heard some gloating as of someone sugarcoating memories of years...

. And Every Dog His Day There’s no such thing as dog-years.  You were fooled By sentimental nincompoops who don’t Know how to count correctly, twits unschooled In logic or in basic facts who won’t Admit that they are misinformed:  A year’s A year, no more, for any creature caught...

. So Much Depends upon a Dog So much depends upon a dog The earth revolves around the sun. Each day revolves around our jog— unclip your harness, watch you run, and sniff where other dogs have wet. So much depends upon a dog. Across the sky, the tempests jet...

. An Appeal I want to be a fiber on your loom, A constant fixture in your living room, A luscious morsel that you save for last. It's time for us to build a solid past, If only to secure a firm foundation Where we can play it loose and...

. The Ballad of Mrs. Pam Able Mrs. Pam Able was very unstable, And loved to be tied to her dining-room table. Her friends were appalled, many names she was called, For her fatal attraction for men who were bald. One day after yoga, still wearing her toga, She spotted...