‘Old? Hell No!’ by Norma Pain

.

Old? Hell No!

in a thick British accent

__It’s bin three years an’ a day,
__Since the Mrs. passed away,
I still see ‘er face afore me smilin’ kindly.
__For a while I wasn’t right,
__I’d awake most every night,
From a dream where I was searchin’ for ‘er blindly.

__Gotten used ta bein’ alone,
__Grass ‘n beard got overgrown.
Family fussin’ an’ a frettin’ I’m not ‘ealthy.
__Tell ‘em that I’m doin’ fine,
__Got me smokes an’ glass o’ wine.
Can’t buy ‘appiness, not even if ya wealthy.

__Ninety years ago created,
__Just a touch debilitated,
Nothin’ wrong wi’ me except me fingers tremble.
__But they says they’ve ‘ad enough,
__Things is gettin’ awful tough,
Now I’m here where the obsolete assemble.

__They’re an ugly lookin’ bunch,
__Just might put me off me lunch,
Not a smilin’ face amongst the sorry lot.
__Take a look at ‘ow they sneer,
__It’s no wonder they’re in ‘ere,
It’ll serve ‘em bloody right if they’re forgot.

__Sure they’re not the crème-de-crème,
__But I’ll not end up like them,
I’ve still got me pride an’ that’ll see me through.
__Though I’m feelin’ kinda low,
__Now me family ‘as ta go,
I’ll not sulk… I’ll smile an’ wish ‘em toodle-oo.

__I’ll not let ‘em see me cry,
__As they leave ta say goodbye.
I shall smile an’ ‘old meself up strong an’ steady.
__When the grim one comes ta reap,
__I’ll pretend that I’m asleep,
‘E’ll not carry me away afore I’m ready.

__I may be wrinkled up an’ bald,
__May not answer when I’m called,
An’ I can’t make out the letters on the chart.
__Cripes! I cannot find me teeth,
__Above me tongue or underneath,
An’ me limousine is called the ‘andydart.*

__Undervalued… underfed,
__But it sure beats bein’ dead,
That’s as far as I can tell… not ‘avin’ bin there.
__Which ‘as kinda got me thinkin’,
__Since I’m very fond o’ drinkin’,
If I’ll be allowed ta ‘ave a little gin there.

__This ol’ nursin’ ‘ome’s depressin’,
__So I’m countin’ it a blessin’,
That there’s grass an’ trees an’ flowers all around it.
__An’ at three o’clock each day,
__Nurse’ll let me out ta play,
So me family says we’s lucky that we found it.

__‘Twould be nicer… that’s a gimme,
__If the Mrs., could be wi’ me,
Sure would brighten up me days until the end.
__Jus’ ta ‘ave ‘er ‘ere ta guide me,
__Day by day ta sit beside me,
But she’s gone, an’ so I’ll ‘ave ta just pretend.

__I ‘ave been ‘ere just a week,
__An’ it’s lookin’ rather bleak,
Not allowed ta swear or dally with the nurses.
__Since I’m really not that sick,
__An’ I’m full o’ rhetoric,
I shall get it off me chest within these verses.

__I detest this stinkin’ ward,
__But it’s all’s we can afford,
An’ I ‘ate these cranky ol’ folks with a passion.
__Ed’s a screamin’ kidney stone,
__Arthur’s ‘appy just ta groan,
An’ the farty fella’s face is lookin’ ashen.

__There’s a lady down the ‘all,
__An’ I swear she’s six feet tall,
An’ she barks ‘er orders like a sergeant major.
__There’s three others in ‘er room,
__An’ their faces look like doom,
You can bet they ‘ate her guts, on this I’ll wager.

__Wish I ‘ad a bit more freedom,
__Supervisors… we don’t need ‘em,
‘Spied a lady one floor down who’s cute an’ spiffy.
__Groanin’ Arthur dropped a clue,
__That she kinda likes me too,
If I finds me teeth, I’ll be there in a jiffy.

__I ‘ave trouble eatin’ plums,
__Try ta mash ‘em with me gums,
An’ I dribbles an’ I drools all down me shirt.
__An’ I cannot compre’end,
__This ‘ole world’s gone round the bend,
Do I wear a pair o’ trousers or a skirt?

__I’m confused so I’ve been told,
__But ta Hell… I’m still not old,
I love dancin’ an’ romance… an’ plenny of it.
__With their borin’ routine drills,
__And their bloody sleepin’ pills,
Nurse can take her condescendin’ tone an’ shove it!

__An’ I’m really not deservin’,
__All this crap that they bin servin’,
Every day its jus’ the same ol’ mish’n’mash.
__Though me pearly-whites are fake,
__They can still attack a steak,
Time ta throw this wussy food into the trash.

__Will these young’uns never learn?
__One day it’ll be their turn,
Don’t they see ahead with dread ta things that daunt ‘em?
__What they’re dishin’ out today,
__From this plastic food café,
Will come back afore they know it just ta haunt ‘em.

__They’ve bin servin’ me thin gruel,
__I am tellin’ ya… they’re cruel,
An’ aroun’ me neck they tie a baby’s bib.
__Next they’ll diaper me down south,
__Shove a dummy in me mouth
Ta shut me up, and throw me back into a crib!

__But until the day I croak,
__I shall flirt an’ laugh an’ joke,
If ya needin’ pointers… gim’me ‘alf a mo.
__‘Cause on me bed or underneath,
__I ‘ave got ta find me teeth,
Can’t be lookin’ old an’ ugly… Hell no!

.

*HandyDART is an accessible transit service that uses vans or small buses to transport disabled or elderly passengers who cannot use the normal transit system. This service provides door-to-door service and is available in all of British Columbia’s larger centres, as well as in many smaller communities.

.

.

Norma Pain was born in Liverpool, England and now lives in Parksville, British Columbia, Canada. Thirty of Norma’s poems were published by Dana Literary Society, between 2004 and 2007 and she was twice nominated for the Pushcart Prize by that same on-line poetry site. She self-published a book of rhyme in 2000 called Bulging Assets.