.

Bollical Dogs

I have a complaint! T.S. Eliot hogs
All the fun with his stories of Jellicle Cats!
So let me (inspired by zoo catalogs)
Write of beasts ripe for versificational chats.
But shall I vaunt possums? Or groundhogs? Or bats?
Of course not! I’ll write about Bollical Dogs!

A Bollical Dog’s not just any old mutt.
He takes up the sofa, he grabs the whole bed.
He sniffs at the air as he wriggles his butt.
Quite houndlike his nose will direct where he’s led.
He’ll deign to eat Alpo but much prefers bread
And relishes comfort like Jabba the Hutt.

He may be inspired to run through the yard in
A frenzy of zooming. He’ll topple your tea
And unroot all the jasmine and quince in your garden
Then Bollically frolic in mud with great glee.
You’ll scold him, he’ll droop quite chagrined from his spree,
But one slobbery kiss and your heart will unharden.

Now Bollical Dogs do not care for the type
Of balls where a Jellicle Cat might appear.
They spurn feline fetes as pure caterwaul hype
And much prefer balls they can fetch and bring near
In exchange for a treat with a snap and a schmear
Of marrow or butterfat, liver or tripe.

A Bollical Dog follows each latest trend.
He’s jealous of what other pooches are wearing
And won’t give a hoot at the dollars you spend
So long as the neighborhood hounds don’t stop staring.
And if you keep petting, and playing and caring
A Bollical Dog might just make you his friend.

Your Bollical Friend will delight in the ways
He can stick to your side, at the job, on a lark.
He’ll give his devotion sustained by your praise,
While hoping for hugs or a romp in the park.
That wag in his tail and that joy in his bark
Means he’ll love you completely for all of his days.

.

.

Kibble Disobedience

Bianca’s a magician. Right before
Your very eyes she’ll make food disappear.
When dinner’s done, she’ll smile and lick the floor
Then scratch at something itchy on her ear.
She’s unfastidious and never haughty.
Mere humans can’t fix all that she dishevels.
She’s rarely acrimonious or naughty
But commonly seeks ticklish belly-revels.

What ancestors of note she claims! Imprimis,
Great stars like Toto, Rin-tin-tin and Lassie;
The she-wolf who nursed Romulus and Remus
And other canines, confident yet sassy.
Bianca! An Italian nom de plume
Which speaks of nobles and of Shakespeare’s wit.
Her toon-like antics often fill the room.
Her flair for comedy is consummate.

She hypnotizes us: “Give me your dinner!”
She senses kibble’s only the beginning.
We know that people food won’t make her thinner
And yet this battle’s one Bianca’s winning.
“Your hamburger! Resistance is sheer folly!”
Alright, alright. Of course she’s worth the fuss.
She knows without her, life would be less jolly—
That when we rescued her, she rescued us.

.

.

Brian Yapko is a retired lawyer whose poetry has appeared in over fifty journals.  He is the winner of the 2023 SCP International Poetry Competition. Brian is also the author of several short stories, the science fiction novel El Nuevo Mundo and the gothic archaeological novel  Bleeding Stone.  He lives in Wimauma, Florida.

NOTE TO READERS: If you enjoyed this poem or other content, please consider making a donation to the Society of Classical Poets.

The Society of Classical Poets does not endorse any views expressed in individual poems or commentary.


Trending now:

26 Responses

  1. James Sale

    Brian, you deserve a prize just for the word, Bollicle, alone; and adjectivally attached to dog is genius: I’ve always wanted this word to describe a dog and now I have found it! Thank you. Tomorrow when I go for my walk in the park and we spot dogs all over the place, I shall say to my wife: ‘Look, there’s a Bollicle dog’. I am sure she will smile!

    Reply
    • Brian A. Yapko

      Chez moi we badly needed an adjective that might describe a beloved dog’s antics, even when he or she tracks muddy paws through the house or somehow steals a bite of food when you’re not looking. Absolutely bollical! So enjoy the bollical dogs at the park! And needless to say, I’m so glad you enjoyed the poem, James. Thank you very much indeed!

      Reply
  2. Roy E. Peterson

    I can only imagine the brilliant machinations of your mind with the synapses of your brain that can be so genuinely creative, entertaining, and fascinating. I was entranced by both of the poems about dogs and then a particular dog with a sophisticated sentimental ending “That when we rescued her, she rescued us.” Tying the word “bollical” to a dog was fantastic and by leaning upon T.S. Eliot’s use of “jellical ” with cats seemed to make a logical connection that will always be memorable..

    Reply
    • Brian A. Yapko

      Thank you so much, Roy! I’m so glad you enjoyed the poems. Yes, that sentimental ending was inevitable. Our Bianca is truly a treasure and we are lucky that she found us. As for my synapses, I don’t think about them much but maybe I should! I’m already (unsuccessfully) trying to think of rhymes…

      Reply
  3. Joseph S. Salemi

    These are two wonderful “animal” poems — one in tetrameter, and the other in pentameter. I delight in unexpected rhymes like “yard in,” “garden,” and “unharden,” or “imprimis” and “Remus,” or “Lassie” and “sassy,” or the very elegant “wit” and “consummate.” Students often confuse the verb (con-su-MAYT) with the adjective (CON-sum-mitt).

    There are all sorts of verbal acrobatics here that show real poetic professionalism: the sly internal rhyme of “your heart will unharden,” the copia of “marrow or butterfat, liver or tripe,” the sprinkles of alliteration like “feline fetes” and “petting and playing” and “hoping for hugs,” and the willingness to use Latinate vocabulary (“acrimonious,” “unfastidious,” “versificational,” and of course “canine” and “feline”). And there are very punchy phrases, like “pure caterwaul hype” and “Her toon-like antics.”

    About the meter of “Bollical Dogs” — I know there may be some argument here, but I see it as primarily dactylic (DUM – dah – dah) with an unstressed start and a clipped ending in each line. The thing about dactyls is that they always dominate a line when used, even when they are slightly altered.

    One questions: Is it “Jellical” or “Jellicle”?

    Reply
    • Brian A. Yapko

      I can’t tell you how pleased I am that you liked these poems, Joe! I worried that I might have written a couple of poems that were too sentimental to be enjoyable. But you clearly found the use of language sufficient to keep them from getting too maudlin. A relief. Thank you for the generous remarks on the rhymes (internal, too) which were great fun for me to develop. And the use of latinate words (perhaps to excess) seemed exactly right to me for a subject that has tongue-in-cheek gravitas and yet authentic affection. People do indeed put their pets on pedestals and I am certainly no exception.

      On the meter of Bollical Dogs, this is a tough one for me too. – – and it is perhaps a useful thing at this juncture to recognize that classical poetry need not always march in perfect metrical lockstep. One does not want meter to look sloppy, but neither should it be overly-regimented. Bollical Dogs is a poem which I think of musically, so for me the initial foot is, as you put it, an unstressed start — for me, analogous to a “leading tone” in a music piece… that note in a partial measure at the beginning of a piece of music that is not complete but leads into the start of the work. So because of that musical context I, like you, think of this poem as dactylic rather than anapestic. All that being said, I can see this also being interpreted as anapestic. My metrical ambiguity originated with T.S. Eliot, whose similarly tetrametric poem Jellicle Cats (an inspiration rather than a model) defied scansion for me because it was so “unrigorous.” I’m posting it below with this comment. It starts out unambiguously anapestic but devolves quickly into trochees, dactyls and iams. I could not get a handle on this meter other than to note four stresses per line. I figured that if T. S. Eliot could get away with it, I was in good company. I am usually pretty careful with my meter, but since the subject matter of dogs is inherently a “messy” one, I figured that I could be allowed a bit of latitude here.

      And perhaps it did not help that I had a hard time keeping the opening number from Andrew Lloyd Weber’s “Cats” out of my head.

      The Song of the Jellicles

      T. S. Eliot

      Jellicle Cats come out tonight,
      Jellicle Cats come one come all:
      The Jellicle Moon is shining bright—
      Jellicles come to the Jellicle Ball.

      Jellicle Cats are black and white,
      Jellicle Cats are rather small;
      Jellicle Cats are merry and bright,
      And pleasant to hear when they caterwaul.
      Jellicle Cats have cheerful faces,
      Jellicle Cats have bright black eyes;
      They like to practise their airs and graces
      And wait for the Jellicle Moon to rise.

      Jellicle Cats develop slowly,
      Jellicle Cats are not too big;
      Jellicle Cats are roly-poly,
      They know how to dance a gavotte and a jig.
      Until the Jellicle Moon appears
      They make their toilette and take their repose:
      Jellicles wash behind their ears,
      Jellicles dry between their toes.

      Jellicle Cats are white and black,
      Jellicle Cats are of moderate size;
      Jellicles jump like a jumping-jack,
      Jellicle Cats have moonlit eyes.
      They’re quiet enough in the morning hours,
      They’re quiet enough in the afternoon,
      Reserving their terpsichorean powers
      To dance by the light of the Jellicle Moon.

      Jellicle Cats are black and white,
      Jellicle Cats (as I said) are small;
      If it happens to be a stormy night
      They will practise a caper or two in the hall.
      If it happens the sun is shining bright
      You would say they had nothing to do at all:
      They are resting and saving themselves to be right
      For the Jellicle Moon and the Jellicle Ball.

      Reply
  4. Mark Stellinga

    Sounds like somebody’s a serious ‘DOG’ appreciator, Brian! Another fairly difficult rhyme scheme masterfully achieved, and on a subject dear to most everyone’s heart. A+ 🙂 my friend.

    Reply
    • Brian A. Yapko

      Mark, thank you so much! I so appreciate that A-plus! Yes, I am a serious dog appreciator. I realize that not all dogs are irresistable, but I have been very blessed with some wonderful canine additions to the family throughout my life. And Bianca’s virtues may well exceed them all.

      Reply
  5. Paul Freeman

    Very entertaining, Brian. Am I right in assuming ‘bollical’ comes from the British slang term ‘the dog’s bollocks’, meaning ‘the absolute best’?

    Reply
    • Brian A. Yapko

      Thank you so much, Paul! I’m responding to your comment out of queue so that I can answer your query about “bollical” etymology. Alas, as an American I never thought of “bollocks” in the suggested meaning as it is a Britishism which is simply not used on this side of the Pond. My line of thinking is actually somewhat different. I tried to divine (pun intended) what T.S. Eliot really meant by “jellicle” and believe that jellicle is actually an idiosyncratically-spelled clipping of the word “angelical.” My Bianca can behave in ways that are notably NOT angelic. In fact, I have on occasion considered some of her socially-questionable actions and food-stealing to be downright diabolical. “Bollical” therefore springs from my own parallel idiosyncratic spelling of a clipped (and intentionally overdramatic) “diabolical.” Bianca, like most dogs, can be quite bollical indeed.

      Thank you for giving me the opportunity to explain my linguistic fun!

      Reply
  6. Patricia Redfern

    Brian! Two awesome, powerfully , enjoyable
    poems Thumbs up, on Bollical Dog.
    Hug your Bianca for me, do!! Thank you,

    Reply
    • Brian A. Yapko

      Thank you so much, Patricia! I will certainly hug Bianca for you. For me, too.

      Reply
  7. Elena

    Brian – two poems about our pets we love and enjoy each day. I enjoyed them both.

    Reply
  8. Margaret Coats

    Brian, what a sweet slurp for your rescuer and obedience trainer! Or maybe it’s a buttery schmear? If T. S. Eliot was Old Possum, you’re cavorting in the tracks of an old he-coon. Instinctive inter-specific behavior is entertaining to observe and depict, as you do here.

    The meter of “Bollical Dogs” is anapestic in my opinion. Anapests and dactyls are coordinate, though, and what readers hear is, I believe, the characteristic separations that don’t determine which a particular poem is. Often a poem can be described both ways. However, there are four perfect anapestic lines in this poem, and two more if we allow for feminine endings. Not a single simple dactylic line. No perfect line of any other meter. However, I reserve judgment and will ask a master of dactyls to take a look here. I see a lot of fudgy fun.

    Reply
    • Brian A. Yapko

      Thank you so much, Margaret! I’m glad you mentioned Old Possum as I slipped a little possum reference into line 5 of the first stanza and wondered if anyone would get it. And I also am glad you zeroed in on that “schmear” as it’s so rare that I get to toss a Yiddish word into a classical poem (I referenced “bupkis” in another poem and that’s about it.)

      I responded at length to Dr. Salemi above on the question of meter on this poem. I also posted T. S. Eliot’s original. I think it would be far less ambiguous to describe Eliot’s “Jellicle Cats” as anapestic than mine, but I am no expert here. I note in other contexts, I sometimes would prefer to regard a trochee as a headless iamb and as I write about it, I realize that this is because of my musical background and the way musicians will often start a piece of music with a partial measure (usually filled out with rests to make the accounting work) with the music really starting with the first beat. That may or may not be good scansion, but it’s intuitive — at least for me. Somehow I see Bollical Dogs as dactylic because the overall meter takes its cue from the first line: i HAVE a compLAINT… Musically speaking, the rhythm of the piece (as I see it) starts with HAVE. That DUM-da-da DUM-da-da- is what I hear as the overarching rhythm of the poem, despite the existence of that “leading” word “I” and other variations. Isn’t it interesting that there can be ambiguity and differences in opinion on something as seemingly objective as meter? Poetry can sometimes be defiant in a way that Math never is.

      Reply
  9. Susan Jarvis Bryant

    Brian, I adore both of these beautifully crafted poems that celebrate the tail-wagging, whimsical wonder of those bollical dogs! What a great term! You capture the very essence of man’s best friend with superlative images and excellent rhyme and rhythm, and I especially like the closing couplet of “Kibble Disobedience” – it brought a tear to my eye. I know from personal experience that with a rescue pet there is an extra special bond. George Lionel, our cat who thinks he’s a dog, speaks the language of my heart. Brian, thank you!

    Reply
    • Brian A. Yapko

      Thank you so much, Susan. Now your comment has brought a tear to my eye. There is so much joy to be had and love to be learned from having that special bond with a rescue pet. I love hearing about George Lionel and my heart goes out to you and Mike regarding Lucas.

      Bianca, our cattledog mix with one brown eye and one blue eye, was a rescue with a very tough backstory. She was found living on the streets in the snow and ice in Espanola, New Mexico back in 2020. She was scrounging food trying to keep five puppies alive. We got her after she was brought into the shelter with her puppies, two of which died, the others removed from her. She was spayed, put into a foster home and when we met her one month later she was completely emotionally shut-down. It took a lot of love and kibble and people-food and sweet-talk to get the haunted look out of her eyes and the wag back in her tail. Five years later and Bianca’s a very happy dog, secure in a loving home. And spoiled rotten.

      Reply
  10. Daniel Tuton

    Brian, I agree with everything that’s been said by people who beat me to the playful punch. Both poems are absolutely brilliant. I will pay them the highest compliment I’m able to muster, which is to exercise a new adjective for our beloved cattle dog!

    Reply
    • Brian A. Yapko

      Thank you so much, Fr. Dan! I’m so glad that you enjoyed the poems. I can not imagine a greater compliment than to coin a word and then have it actually used by others! Your cattle dog is very lucky to be loved by wonderful people.

      Reply
  11. Jeff Eardley

    Brian, a wonderful shaggy dog duet that had me rolling onto my back as the wife tickled my belly. I just love “Bollical” which reminded me of the advice of what action to take if a Pit Bull is humping your leg….fake orgasm!
    A most enjoyable read tonight.

    Reply
    • Brian A. Yapko

      Thank you so much, Jeff! Oh myyyyyy! Well, thank you for the singularly interesting advice as well as the kind words!

      Reply
  12. LAURA R. SCHWARTZ

    Brian, you had me at Dogs and Kibble, since my native tongue is Doglish. There has never been written a finer set of poems centered around the world’s most beloved pet, and to paraphrase Carole Bayer Sager, nobody could do it better!
    Huzzah, Sir, and another round of cheese for Bianca!

    Reply
    • Brian A. Yapko

      Laura, I am so very pleased to receive this beautiful compliment! Thank you very much indeed. In honor of this kindness I will indeed give Bianca a treat. Maybe I’ll give myself a treat as well.

      Reply
  13. Julian D. Woodruff

    Great salute to Bollicality, Brian. Rambunctious in a way that Eliot is not: why should dogs be as tidy as cats?
    I like the 2nd even better, in part because I missed the “she” in the 1st, where my image was of Paul McCartney’s Martha.

    Reply
    • Brian A. Yapko

      Thank you so much, Julian! I’ve not heard of Paul McCartney’s Martha before so I’m looking her up now. Ah. Charming dog and a rollicking song I had quite forgotten from The White Album. Thank you for the reintroduction!

      Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.