.

The Ballad of Mrs. Pam Able

Mrs. Pam Able was very unstable,
And loved to be tied to her dining-room table.
Her friends were appalled, many names she was called,
For her fatal attraction for men who were bald.
One day after yoga, still wearing her toga,
She spotted a man with a head like an ogre.
They started to chat, about this and then that,
Before she invited him back to her flat,
Where according to fable, she lay on her table,
And cried, “Lash me down with this telephone cable!”
The man was amiss, he just wanted a kiss,
And he’d never encountered a woman like this.
But his exit was blocked, every door she had locked,
So, he jumped through the window and ran away shocked.
Leaving Mrs. Pam Able, (who’s very unstable)
Removing the tears from her dining room table.

.

.

Long Jane Silver

after Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson

He met her on the Internet, she said her name was Jane.
He told her that he fancied her and Donald was his name.
She said that she was fifty but she looked a little older.
Her photo showed an eye-patch and a parrot on her shoulder…

She said she had a cottage down in Cornwall by the sea.
He asked if he could come on down and keep her company.
And so, he stood outside her door where hung a light of red.
The waves were crashing down below, the gulls screamed overhead.

She then came clomping down the path, she looked a little butch.
Her parrot winked his beady eye as Jane leaned on her crutch.
“What have we here, my lovely boy” with Donald she did flirt.
But he recoiled in horror as she lifted up her skirt.

His timbers truly shivered at the sight he gazed upon.
For in the leg department, she had only got the one,
She dragged him to her bedroom, it was futile to resist.
Then produced a set of handcuffs that she clamped upon his wrists.

She took his cash and credit card and told him, “Now old son,
I’ll dress you up in pirate gear and then we’ll have some fun.”
She gave upon his forehead then, a great big sloppy kiss.
“I must escape,” cried Donald “For I never wanted this.”

This lady then got angry and to Donald she did cry,
“All men, who my affections spurn, are destined for to die.”
She opened up the window of this room so dark and dank,
Where nailed upon the window ledge there stood a ten-foot plank.

“Now up you go my lovely boy,” to Donald she did shout,
“You’ll be in Davy Jones’s Locker, ‘ere this day is out.”
Along the plank he stumbled right until he reached the end.
She cackled then to Donald, “This is adios my friend.”

He stood there trembling on the plank, for mercy he did plead,
But she was having none of it and started to proceed,
To swing her crutch around her head and deal the final blow,
That sent the quaking Donald to the crashing rocks below.

Now time has passed so quickly since that day of infamy,
His ghost still haunts those shattered rocks above the stormy sea.
His friends, they thank old Donald now; he makes them all think twice
About the scurvy internet and how it can entice.

.

.

Jeff Eardley lives in the heart of England near to the Peak District National Park and is a local musician playing guitar, mandolin and piano steeped in the music of America, including the likes of Ry Cooder, Paul Simon, and particularly Hank Williams.

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24 Responses

  1. Susan Jarvis Bryant

    Jeff, you are so naughty! I am clutching my pearls and sides… they are aching with laughter. I could hear the ghost of Benny Hill when I read “Long Jane Silver” I think title-wise, you’ve scored a few brownie points on the equality front. I’m a little surprised at line 11 in the first poem: “The man was a miss” – your poetry is cutting edge, Jeff!

    Huge fun! Thank you and a Happy Valentine’s Day to you!

    Reply
    • Jeff Eardley

      Thanks Susan. We often pine for the totally unwoke Benny Hill, along with Carry on films and Bamforth saucy postcards. Hope you have a romantic evening.

      Reply
  2. Clive Boddy

    Not bad Jeff. Not bad at all. I’ve been thinking of putting together a book of blue verse – would it get past the PC crowd these days?
    Any takers for a virtual special issue on this site?

    Reply
    • Jeff Eardley

      Thanks Clive, your book of blue verse may not get past the woke police these days. Better to stick to innuendo (isn’t that an Italian suppository?)

      Reply
  4. Vicki Roberts

    Wickedly fun and funny! Creative stories are always my favorite in poetry. And happy Valentine’s Day to you, too!

    Reply
  7. Brian A Yapko

    These are both absolutely hysterical, Jeff! I shall hold onto these and reread them whenever I need a laugh. So many great lines!

    Reply
    • Jeff Eardley

      Brian, we all need a few laughs these days. Any comment from you is much appreciated. Have a great evening.

      Reply
  8. Roy Eugene Peterson

    You have reinforced my view that the bawdy ballads still exist in the cantankerous minds of the British poets. Chaucer lives! You really bring alive these classic poems with a vivid imagination.

    Reply
    • Jeff Eardley

      Roy, there is a long timeline from Chaucer to the great Benny Hill who I believe was popular with you guys. Our British sense of bawdiness has all but been snuffed out by the woke brigade, but resurfaces when a gang of oldies get together. There is hope yet. Thanks for your kind words.

      Reply
  9. Paul Freeman

    ‘The Ballad of Mrs. Pam Able’ recalled Jasper Carrott at his best, and of course, Pam Ayres, er, at her naughtiest.

    ‘Long Jane Silver’ – a cautionary tale, indeed. ‘…he makes them all think twice / About the scurvy internet and how it can entice.’ Some sound advice.

    Thanks for the reads, Jeff

    Reply
    • Jeff Eardley

      Paul, Jasper and Pam are national poetic treasures. We have just lost another unsung hero, the great and very funny Les Barker. I must give credit to Evan for the last two lines. Thanks for your comment.

      Reply
  10. Norma Pain

    I agree with Roy that bawdy ballads are so much fun and these two poems are wonderfully funny. I just loved them and re-read them, and with your permission Jeff, I will forward them on to my kids. Thank you for the giggles.

    Reply
    • Jeff Eardley

      Thanks Norma and of course you can share them with anyone, even Trudeau if he’s up for it. I must admit to being heavily influenced by John Lennon’s “Spaniard in the Works” all those years ago and Pam had been tickling our bawdy senses for decades. Look forward to a bit more how’s your father from yourself before too long.

      Reply
  12. Joshua C. Frank

    Love these! They’re funny, and bawdy without anything truly disgusting, something missing these days. Plus the rhyme and meter are really good for ballads like these.

    Reply

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