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The Fall of Time

A Haiku Sonnet

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Thinning coat of frost
Whitening the ground with grief—
Love forever lost

Wrinkles on the leaf
Yellowing a lawn undone—
Beauty all too brief

Spots upon the sun
Reddening a field gone dry—
Present on the run

Cracks along the sky
Blackened by stormy treasons—
Past, a current cry

Why keep growing on? Sprinkles of reasons:
Her smiles renew the seasons

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Andrew Benson Brown has had poems and reviews published in a few journals. His epic-in-progress, Legends of Liberty, will chronicle the major events of the American Revolution if he lives to complete it. Though he writes history articles for American Essence magazine, he lists his primary occupation on official forms as ‘poet.’ He is, in other words, a vagabond.

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46 Responses

  1. Michael Pietrack

    Love can kill you and/or bring you back to life.

    Your depth and ability are shown here. I really enjoyed reading this Sonku.

    Reply
  2. Cynthia Erlandson

    Fascinating! I was really curious about how you would combine these two extremely different forms. I’m not sure I understand “… stormy treasons — / Past, a current cry”. But I love the imagery, and the terza rima.

    Reply
    • ABB

      Thanks for the feedback, Cynthia. May have to rework those lines. Was alluding to the subject’s tumultuous personal life and the various betrayals she has experienced, and also playing with the haiku convention of needing to remain in the present tense. But maybe too obscure.

      Reply
    • ABB

      Alternative fourth stanza:

      Cracks along the sky
      Blackened by nature’s treasons—
      Yesterdays gone by

      Reply
  3. Paul A. Freeman

    Nicely done, ABB.

    A unique form of Shakespearean sonnet, each 3-line haiku section starting with a word implying aging and carrying the thought through to the final, hopeful couplet of renewal.

    Impressive.

    Thanks for the read.

    Reply
    • ABB

      Thanks, Paul. At the risk of over-explaining myself, the synthesis riffs off of the terza rima sonnet, ala Shelley.

      Reply
  4. Stephen M. Dickey

    Admirable! I am ignorant of Haiku and Japanese poetry, but have read descriptions of the use of “pivot words,” and the allusions in your wordplays seem to create the same kind of effect.

    Reply
    • ABB

      Ha, I haven’t written a haiku since the 8th grade and am not sure if I followed the conventions correctly. I was indeed trying to use pivot words, among other things. I got the idea for this after reading Margaret Coat’s advice on how to write a haiku. I am awaiting her judgment as to whether it works or not.

      Reply
      • Rebecca

        The rules need not apply. It is elegant and lovely.
        I will read it for hours.

  5. Brian A. Yapko

    Andrew, I think this is stunningly beautiful — ostensibly simple, elegant, profound, creative and now a favorite of mine among all of your work. You have created a remarkable form here — a hybrid of sonnet and haiku which blends the conventions of both — 14 lines with a closing couplet but derived from four haiku stanzas with perfect 5-7-5 syllable count. Rhymes in only the first and third lines accomodate Western expectations but enriched with unexpected linked chain rhymes throughout which, though a Western technique, also recalls the pantoum and so gives a sense of something Eastern and exotic. I wondered how you would handle the closing couplet and your choice is perfect: rhymes which complete the rhyme chain, a penultimate line of iambic pentameter for the West and a closing line which is both iambic trimeter for the West and 7 syllables for the East. You put so much craft into this! This poem is deeply satisfying to me.

    Reply
    • ABB

      Brian, you are an incredibly observant reader. You hit the nail on the head regarding my intentions. I spent an entire night re-writing this. I hadn’t thought of the connection with the pantoum, thanks for pointing that out. I have never written a pantoum and may have to try my hand at that.

      I am given to understand that haikus are very different in Japanese than in English, and that by nature of their ideographic script they are much more sophisticated. I’m totally ignorant of that, but tried to do my best with my poor phonetic alphabet.

      Reply
  6. Roy Eugene Peterson

    Your depth of thought in comparing the seasons to the loss of love and concluding with a new hope on the horizon combined with compact rhyming verses packs a powerful image and message. There is so much to admire both in the forms exhibited and in the substance of the poem enhancing the sincerity of the writer.

    Reply
  7. Allegra Silberstein

    wow! your poem is amazing…great way to begin my day for I love the Haiku form and you have dealt with it beautifully…Allegra

    Reply
    • ABB

      Thanks, for bringing my attention to these great Wilbur pieces, Kip. As Tweedie points out below, I realize there may be some problems with my piece. But it is a start in a novel direction, at least.

      Reply
  9. William Harder

    What a beautiful gift at the end of the day. The two forms are seamlessly blended. We may have just witnessed the birth of a new species of poetry.

    Reply
  10. Susan Jarvis Bryant

    ABB, how intriguing, inspirational, beautifully executed, and exquisite. I think you’re onto something here – you’ve created a mesmerizing form I’d love to try. Very well done indeed!

    Reply
    • ABB

      I hope you do try your hand at this, Susan. I’m sure you will come up with something dazzling!

      Reply
  11. James Sale

    Deeply, deeply beautiful work and one I would not have thought possible: I am no fan of haiku but a huge one of the sonnet form. To combine them in this way and to create such a formal beauty is outstanding. And yes, I love the Michael Pietrack suggestion of Sonku!!! On the other hand, GK Chesterton’s friend, Edmund Bentley created the Clerihew; perhaps we should call this new form ‘Bensons’ after you. It is an amazing achievement – comparable, I think, to Adelaide Crapsey’s invention of the Cinquain – a form I love.

    Reply
    • ABB

      Ha, I think we should stick with ‘Sonku’—that gives a better idea of what the thing is actually about. Thanks for reminding me of Crapsey’s Cinquain. There are so many possibilities for new forms and syntheses, I am sick to death of the modernist argument that formalism has been exhausted.

      Reply
  12. Joseph S. Salemi

    This new piece deserves all the praise is has been given here. All I can add is that the poem avoids all forms of the verb of being, as is typical of haiku, but in an extended poem it has the effect of strong impressionism and urgency.

    Reply
    • ABB

      I didn’t know that particular avoidance was a rule of the form, so I was accidentally successful in that regard.

      Reply
  13. James A. Tweedie

    ABB,

    Clever solution to a creative self-challenge that could have sounded cheesy/weird, but, overall, I would rate as a triumph. But I will say that to my eye at least, while the third and fourth stanzas add to the overall effect, they don’t seem to make any sense as stand-alone “haiku,” as is the case with the first two.
    And while I like the ending twist, I’m not convinced the 3+2=5/3 syllable “couplet” is the most effective way to bring the erstwhile 3/4/3 pattern to a close. I see the logic behind it but wonder if there are other ways that might do this as well or better?” Note that my comment is not intended as a criticism, but merely an observation and a question.

    Also, although there are 14 lines, I feel the poem could be better described as a variant terza rima, some of which also have fourteen lines and a closing couplet.
    And, yet again, haiku is a 5/7/5 pattern which could also be utilized in creating a haiku sonnet hybrid.
    None of this is meant to detract from the clear and clever creative success of the poem as it is.

    Reply
    • ABB

      James, thank you very much for your helpful observations. I am continually fiddling with the poem, and came up with alternative third and fourth stanzas:
      Spots upon the sun
      Reddening a field long dry—
      Fitness on the run
      Cracks along the sky
      Blackened by heaven’s treasons—
      Clarity gone by
      These make more sense as stand-alone haikus, I think, and accord more with the last lines of the first two stanzas. But something is also lost with the lack of play on present/past, and makes the presence of the ‘blackened’ verb tense less justified in this version. This may just have something to do with the fact that haikus are intended to be standalone pieces rather than accumulate in a hybrid vessel like this—a potential inherent weakness of this form.
      I suppose a 3/3/4 -stress pattern for the final couplet would be more consistent. In order to do that would have to stay away from feminine rhymes. I was playing with some different end rhymes just now, but I didn’t love anything I came up with. I will just leave it to you to come up with a more internally coherent example of this form, James. I’m sure you have it in you!

      Reply
      • James A. Tweedie

        Perhaps I could, but I sincerely doubt that it would rise to the level of yours! No need to tinker, unless you experimented with a new poem. I don’t think this poem can be improved upon in any case.

  14. Daniel Kemper

    Three forms in one! [Sonnet, Terza Rima, Haiku] A Tsukahara with a twist and you stuck the landing. I love it… you damn syllable-counter, you. 🙂 [lol, just trolling].

    What I love most is that the form itself conveys so much meaning, as much as the content, I’d say. With the haiku, you know you’re going to have a frozen-in-time, meditate-able moment. But moments do not exist in isolation, they inter/connect with other moments. Indeed, the interconnectedness is a strong statement by itself. The sum of the whole form is an experience, itself a larger moment. I’m reminded of the repeating crystalline structures in a snowflake. This poem is so fun, so cool.

    Also, FWIW, stanza’s 3/4 received comment. Here’s my take.

    Spots upon the sun –> sunspots forecast storms on earth; also can be clouds;
    Reddening a field gone dry—
    –>a dry summer field, reddening also forecasts storms
    Present on the run –> the present tense, the now is personified, time is passing, fleeing. Sum: One more palpably feels the passage of time when one senses trouble coming.

    Cracks along the sky –> storm is even closer. Nicely managed pacing.
    Blackened by stormy treasons— –> Stormy weather is a sort of treason to calm weather. Reminded me of Milton. “How strange that angel should with
    with angel war.”
    Past, a current cry –> this one’s hard. Hard in that it’s heart breaking. The enjambment links the storm with a past experience, which produces the present cry. The storm already existed when it found/rolled across our speaker, so in that sense is something from the pre-existent past.

    The final turn flips this dreadful storm into a rain bringer and source of growth.

    Just my take FWIW.

    Loved it.

    Reply
    • ABB

      Daniel—yes a shameless syllable-counter in this one, I. I appreciate your take on stanzas 3 and 4. I rewrote them in my reply to Tweedie, but in the end not sure which version creates a better cumulative effect. If I don’t stop myself, I will tweak this thing endlessly.

      Reply
  16. M Harrison

    Andrew,
    Like others, I admire what you have done with the blending of forms. Great job! I’m tempted to give it a try!

    Reply
  17. Julian D. Woodruff

    An interesting mashup of genres, but to me it’s the lovely alliteration that marks this piece as memorable.

    Reply
  18. Adam Sedia

    I absolutely loved everything about this poem. I can’t say I have encountered a real haiku sonnet “in the wild” before, but I love how you’ve used the form here, particularly by staying faithful to the laconic tone of a true haiku.

    The poem itself is at once wistful and hopeful, mourning the evanescence of the world yet seeing renewal. And like any good love poem, it can be read on multiple levels. This is truly a great work.

    Reply
    • ABB

      I’m glad you like it, Adam. My ego is naturally flattered by your pronouncement of greatness. After Coat’s analysis below, however, I am now starting to have serious doubts about the piece.

      Reply
  19. Margaret Coats

    Andrew, please excuse my delay in responding to your poem creating a new form. I may have to give my reply in parts, dealing with (1) quality of the haiku, (2) nature of the haiku sonnet, and (3) emotional logic of the entire piece.

    This is about the individual haiku as presented. There are five of them, with your final rhymed couplet made by combining two haiku lines to achieve a 14-line sonnet. I may miss things in the revisions you’re making in Comments. You do have a kigo or seasonal reference to nature in each, and you remain in the present tense by treating past and present participles as adjectives. There’s also a necessary pivot or turn in each. Thus you meet requirements. I think the haiku veer too much away from nature to be regarded as high quality, though using an abstract word or two is acceptable and often necessary. Here it’s a flaw in all of them, though I think only the fourth is too problematic to be successful. The fifth is very far from nature, but it’s a good catch to say “growing,” and as a senryu it works well to complete the sequence (there are many haiku sequences), if the 5-5-7 pattern is allowed as needed for the new form. I would be happier with another form of conclusion, but more on that later. Consider your haiku as pieces of the sonnet satisfactory, which may be the most difficult part of what you attempt here.

    Reply
    • ABB

      This is a great analysis. Noted about the veering away from nature too much and the problematic fourth stanza. I await your ‘part 2,’ and am eager to hear your suggestions for another form of conclusion.

      Reply
  20. Margaret Coats

    On the haiku sonnet as a new form, it needs a better ending than you give it here. There’s more than one way to make the form more pleasing, and please realize I’m not talking about your content yet, Andrew. But that final couplet with a 10-syllable line and a 7-syllable line is a mess. Either go English and finish your four haiku with an English couplet of two 10-syllable (pentameter) lines–or use a Japanese pattern of two 7-syllable lines. That would conclude a three-haiku sonnet (in effect) with a tanka (5-7-5-7-7). Tanka is the basis of all formal poetry in Japan, and the 5-7-5 haiku derives from it. It is the natural way to complete a series of haiku. This would have the advantage of marking the spot for a turn or volta in a haiku sonnet: three haiku, then turn, then tanka, or to use English terms, three triplets followed by a cinquain (all of specified syllabic length), giving a sonnet proportion of 9/5 rather than the standard 8/6.

    OR, you could keep those extra two 7-syllable lines separate, and have a “triplet sonnet” of four triplets and one couplet. In this case the sonnet turn would be at the couplet. That is my preference, because we do have a few triplet sonnets from 19th century England, meaning it’s in the tradition. Using haiku instead of triplets, you get a nice division into four parts plus finale. That seems to be what you want here, because you have kigo of four seasons in your five haiku that end rather sloppily. And here’s your haiku advantage: You can deal with each of the four seasons in one clear haiku, and save the New Year as its own season for the 7-7 couplet. If you look up Five Hundred Essential Japanese Season Words, you’ll see that it’s standard in Japanese verse to have special words for that time of the year. As your haiku sonnet stands, it is flawed by unclear and asymmetrical seasonality: winter, autumn, autumn/summer, summer, spring/New Year. Many Japanese teachers would give bad marks for two seasons in one haiku, and some demand only one seasonal word per haiku.

    In most haiku sonnets to come, it is more likely preferable not to imitate Andrew Benson Brown and cover the whole year, but to focus on a single season. There would still need to be a kigo in each haiku of the sonnet (it’s not a haiku without one).

    Your terza rima rhyme scheme also appears sloppy, with one required end rhyme changed into an internal rhyme. Four haiku and a couplet would allow for the usual method of ending terza rima: aba bcb cdc ded ee But let me suggest to you and to others who may try this new form, that you could use triplet sonnet rhymes schemes. Known examples have:
    abc abc dde ffe gg OR aab ccb dde ffe gg. Another idea is to leave the haiku unrhymed and rhyme only the final couplet.

    If this sends you back to the drawing board, Andrew, please excuse me. Your effort here is quite ambitious, and has truly earned much favor from theme and language, which I’ll speak of in another comment box, God willing.

    Reply
    • ABB

      We remember Jacopo Peri for inventing the opera, although he didn’t do it particularly well. This new form awaits its Monteverdi. Which will almost certainly not be me.

      Great feedback. I had started reworking the third and fourth stanzas again before you posted this. Now I will just stop and regard the thing as an interesting failure. Here is my final revision:

      Thinning coat of frost
      Whitening the ground with grief—
      Love forever lost

      Wrinkles on the leaf
      Yellowing a lawn undone—
      Beauty all too brief

      Spots upon the sun
      Reddening a field long dry—
      Ripeness on the run

      Cracks along the sky
      Blackened by heaven’s treasons—
      Bluer days gone by

      Why keep growing on? Sprinkles of reasons:
      Her smiles renew the seasons

      A 7-7 final couplet seems best, as you recommend. As the flaws you point out are so numerous, revising it to high standards would more or less result in a completely different poem. So as you say, it’s back to the drawing board.

      Regarding haiku and senryu, are there any famous examples of pieces that are not mutually exclusive? A ‘senku,’ so to speak? Or would nature symbolizing human traits (or humans interacting with nature in some way) also be considered senryu? This is just addressing subject matter and not tone.

      Also, why is the haiku way more famous than the senryu—which the average person outside of Japan seems to have never heard of?

      Reply
  21. Margaret Coats

    I hardly need say, because others have said it, that “The Fall of Time” is in itself a fine poem on the theme of lost love. It clearly and succinctly outlines, with suggestive images from nature, emotion about the loss of love, about the evanescence of beauty, about the present and past of the lover. He finally determines to persevere in love throughout seasons to come, simply because love is delightful even though it is no longer requited.

    Andrew, you shouldn’t consider your poem a failure because of my showing that it does not follow the haiku aesthetic. It’s true that haiku do not use third lines to specify, with a more or less abstract statement, the emotional logic as the poem proceeds. But that is no reason why you need to avoid the practice. Sonnet writers often use it effectively, as you do here.

    As for your question on haiku and senryu, the category of senryu was defined because some writers, although using the 5-7-5 form, began to depart from the haiku aesthetic to deal with human social concerns. Senryu often abandon any reference to nature and employ a tone unsuited to the meditative quality of haiku. There are probably “half-and-half” examples one might call “senku,” though I can’t think of any. But let me stress that haiku, strictly so called, do deal with love and other activities of human beings within nature, or use natural comparisons rather than words to name a human emotion. Here are famous examples translated by Peter Beilenson (originals by Issa, Shiki, and Onitsura) that seem to express feelings similar to those in parts of your poem. The technique of using nature is what’s different, not the emotional quality your poem shares with these.

    Plume of pampas grass
    Atremble in every wind–
    Hush, my lonely heart.

    At our last parting
    Bending between boat and shore
    That weeping willow

    You turn suddenly
    There in purpling autumn sky
    White Fujiyama!

    Reply
    • ABB

      Thanks for you kind words, and for elucidating the distinctions between the Haiku and Senryu. The examples by those poets are very nice.

      Reply
  22. Pepper Jensen

    Wonderful contrasts! The colors (whitening, reddening, yellowing, blackening) bring to mind the colors of the horses of the apocalypse in the book of Revelation. I also love how “her smiles” can be interpreted so many ways. Is she a person carrying one through the hard times of each year? Is she time moving forward regardless of the changes in the world? Is she the sun, moving around the world through the seasons, pulling all things towards it? Or perhaps something more profound? Excellent work!

    Reply

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