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On the Dine-and-Dash Phenomenon

In restaurants, we dined but didn’t pay;
we gourmandised, then upped and ran away.
An appetiser, main course and dessert,
we wolfed them down until our bellies hurt.

The wife, the brats, yours truly, ate our fill
and promptly legged it—no one paid the bill.
What harm was done? Each Sunday lunchtime trip
we left two quid—a compensatory tip.

But in the end our world came crashing down.
Although we’d earned the Dine-and-Dashers’ crown,
alerted by CCTV, police
arrested us and said, “It’s wrong to fleece

hard-working restauranteurs.” Next thing a spell
in prison signalled culinary hell.
For what to pampered tastebuds is more cruel
than dining seven days a week on gruel?

.

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Paul A. Freeman is the author of Rumours of Ophir, a crime novel which was taught in Zimbabwean high schools and has been translated into German. In addition to having two novels, a children’s book and an 18,000-word narrative poem (Robin Hood and Friar Tuck: Zombie Killers!) commercially published, Paul is the author of hundreds of published short stories, poems and articles.

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26 Responses

  1. Roy Eugene Peterson

    “Gruel” would be “cruel!” Add “gormandized” to the lexicon. Oh, those now omnipresent CCTV’s! Fun one.

    Reply
    • Paul A. Freeman

      Cheers, Roy. And based on a couple with their kids who went on a gourmandising crime spree ( a sort of culinary Bonnie and Clyde) in South Wales.

      Reply
  2. Joseph S. Salemi

    It should be “gourmandize” with a /u/.

    What a great little story — totally unexpected, funny, fast-moving, and with a gob-smacking final couplet!

    Reply
    • Paul A. Freeman

      Thanks, Joseph. Glad I could lighten things up a tad.

      The couple in question in the poem are now indeed languishing at his Majesty’s pleasure.

      Reply
    • Paul A. Freeman

      There is no better feeling than to have raised a laugh.

      Glad you enjoyed the poem, Cynthia.

      Reply
  4. Gigi Ryan

    Paul, I was delighted to see that the criminals got their “just desserts.”
    Gigi

    Reply
    • Paul A. Freeman

      Groan! Isn’t that a ‘dad joke’?

      On a similar note, I used to work in a shoe shop, and the day we opened for a sale, while I was serving five or six customers at once, a woman walked out with her two kids, leaving behind their grungy old shoes. My boss wrote it off, but I always wondered about what kind of message the kids got.

      Thanks for reading, Gigi.

      Reply
    • Paul A. Freeman

      Thanks JD. I expect however, that in modern British jails the era of gruel may be past.

      Reply
  6. Sally Cook

    A nice poem, well written and very contemporary in this age of disregard for law. I am surprised the little family wasn’t given an award of some kind for originality.

    Reply
    • Paul A. Freeman

      Thanks, Sally.

      Definitely a sign of the times. I recall as a kid, we wouldn’t even contemplate cheating in an exam. Now, it seems to be that if you can get away with it, do it. This dine-and-dash nonsense seems to be of the same ilk.

      Reply
  7. Shamik Banerjee

    They must be cursing the CCTV while having gruel!

    Such a fun read this is, Mr. Freeman. I had a good laugh. Thank you so much.

    Reply
    • Paul Freeman

      A good laugh is primarily what I was aiming for, Shamik.

      Ironically, the parents in the poem, who had their heads covered every time they arrived at the courtroom, did not physically look like they needed the occasional extra meal.

      Reply
  8. James A. Tweedie

    There have been some dandy poems around here, lately. And this one ranks to the top! Spiffy, funny, and with a gastronomically satisfying burp at the end.

    Reply
    • Paul Freeman

      I belch with humility.

      Thanks for reading and commenting, James.

      Reply
  9. Jeremiah Johnson

    Love the wit of this! The “pampered tastebuds” consigned to hellish “gruel.” That, and “gourmandised” – I’m gonna have to use that some time 🙂

    How much better were the days when you could just “put it on your tip!” As I did many a time when I lived in China for a decade. Since they still did everything in cash, I would sometimes dine and then realize I had no means of payment (once I dined even though I knew I had no money) – which was fine, because, as the only 6’8″ white guy in the neighborhood, they knew they’d see me again, and they always kept track of what I owed so that I could pay the balance the next time I had cash on me.

    Reply
  10. Julian D. Woodruff

    Please, sir–I don’t want any more!
    This family was greedy, but not wise,
    As they may soon have come to realize:
    It’s very clear they should have pled in court
    They were engaged in restaurant price support.
    Entertaining tale, Paul, told with gusto.

    Reply
    • Paul Freeman

      Thanks for reading and commenting, Julian, especially your poetic input.

      Reply
  11. Paul Freeman

    Thanks for reading, Jeremiah.

    I’ve been experimenting with odd stories in the news, and this one fitted the bill, nicely.

    Reply
  12. Drilon Bajrami

    A fun and enjoyable read, Paul. The “compensatory tip” line gave me a good laugh,

    Reply
    • Paul A. Freeman

      Glad you enjoyed the poem, Drilon.

      I guess people like those in the poem convince themselves they’re doing no harm. In their minds, they’re ripping off people who have more than enough, and the tip for the waiter assuages their guilt.

      Reply
    • Paul Freeman

      Thanks, Jeff. It was a fun one to write, especially since the protagonists got the their punchline comeuppance.

      Reply
  14. Margaret Coats

    Paul, it was a refreshing poem in a way, because you knew how to make crime and punishment funny. Here near Los Angeles, though, I’ve collected a too-long list of cute names for ugly offenses that I once intended to put into poems. Lost heart for it, however, when prosecutors took the side of criminals. A sign of the times, but not a good sign even for those who think they benefit, I would say. Still, enjoyed the clever qualities you demonstrate here.

    Reply
    • Paul A. Freeman

      Thanks for reading and commenting, Margaret.

      I think there have always been people who ‘do a runner’ at a restaurant or fast food joint. Of course, the old joke (or is it an urban legend?) is that if you inadvertently (or maybe knowingly) are unable to pay for your meal, you do the restaurant’s washing up.

      In this case, the British press came up with the alliterative term ‘dine-and-dash’ in response to a family of serial dine-and-dashers who became notorious in South Wales (a British-style Bonnie and Clyde, almost!). The mother and father are now safely – from the point of view of Welsh restaurant owners – behind bars.

      I’ve learned from the responses to this poem that I need to keep an eye out for similar stories – alas, the ‘Wagatha Christie’ case is now old news!

      Reply

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