.
Help! I Can’t Stop Speaking in Iambic!
Help! I can’t stop speaking in iambic
Pentameter! No matter what I say,
Somehow it keeps on coming out that way.
It’s not the first time. Could it be a chronic
Disease that targets poets? Tragicomic,
Incurable, it constantly contrives
To make my sentences come out in fives.
How long will this go on? I’m getting frantic!
It came on yesterday. When I awoke,
I felt my first words come without delay:
“Good morning, honey. Happy Saturday.”
He looked concerned, then felt my head, and spoke:
“I hope it’s not contagious.” (Trimeter,
Feminine ending.) “You’ve been reading one
Of Shakespeare’s plays? The same phenomenon
Occurred last April. Maybe ‘Measure for Measure?’ ”
“That must be it! Each phrase comes out in measures!
It may have been Macbeth, or Julius Caesar.
No matter, though; this comedy of errors
Gives me a fever. Go down to the freezer
And bring me up an ice pack and thermometer
Before this illness takes a turn into heptameter!
.
.
Cynthia Erlandson is a poet and fitness professional living in Michigan. Her third collection of poems, Foundations of the Cross and Other Bible Stories, was released in July, 2024 by Wipf and Stock Publishers. Her other collections are These Holy Mysteries and Notes on Time. Her poems have also appeared in First Things, Modern Age, The North American Anglican, The Orchards Poetry Review, The Book of Common Praise hymnal, The Catholic Poetry Room, and elsewhere.
Oh boy, how many of us have our own version of this? Highly relatable at my end. Thanks for cleverly and skillfully covering a great topic, Cynthia!
Thank you, Russel! I’m sure many poets have this experience.
I know the feeling, Cynthia, old girl,
When everything you utter is a pearl
of iambic pentameter, in verse
arranged in rhyming couplets. How perverse!
Thanks for the weekend humour!
And thank you for your humour too, Paul! What a fun response!
If I were you, I wouldn’t search for a cure. You’re on a roll. I feel for your husband, but keep it flowing. This was very enjoyable!
Thanks, Warren; I’m glad you enjoyed it. My husband (who is an excellent poet) is just fine; he just doesn’t detect iambic sentences in conversation as often as I do.
Imagine John Milton, who wrote twelve books of Paradise Lost in iambic pentameter. He must have lived, eaten, slept, and dreamt in it.
I can’t even imagine! I’d be surprised if he could ever speak any other way after finishing that marvelous tome.
Great humor in this one. Shakespeare must be laughing in his grave. I am sure your husband has adjusted by now!
Thank you, Roy. My husband does have a great sense of humor.
Only a true poet could think it – and then write it up. Love it!
Thanks much, James! I’ve been noticing more and more that iambic pentameter seems to be a very natural (and therefore frequent) way that we speak in English. I notice it not only in things I say, but in things others say, as well. (I don’t point it out, though, except occasionally to my husband.)
Dear Cynthia,
You’ve written witty, fun, iambic verses.
I hope your misery won’t quickly worsen.
Please keep on writing while you have this fever,
You are a gifted word and concept weaver.
Gigi
Thank you very much for this skillful and fun comment, Gigi! Hearing meter in speech really does rather amuse me.
Every once in a while, I veer away
From i.p. but I simply have to say,
It’s like ascending out of a ravine:
I stride along, breathless to reach that green,
Exotic heptametrical terrain,
Then find I’ve fallen: my poor little brain
Has lost the count; or rather, clings to five.
(That’s how I know it’s more dead than alive.)
Thanks for an entertaining plaint, Cynthia.
You’re welcome, Julian, and thank you, too, for your clever iambic response!
Cynthia, thank you for this highly enjoyable poem on a compelling subject! I’ve heard it said that the iamb is the linguistic natural building block of English and this seems to be one of the reasons Shakespeare used it to such great effect in his plays. Your mention of Shakespeare is just right though I believe English literature owes the biggest debt to Chaucer for either originating or popularizing the form. Certainly there are many poets before Shakespeare who write in iambic pentameter, including Spenser and Marlowe. But Shakespeare’s shadow is so large when most of us think of iambic pentameter we think of lines like “To be or not to be — that is the question…” or “Two houses both alike in dignity…”
Your poem made me happy. And there are worse things than speaking in iambs. Imagine if you were forced to speak in anapests or dactyls!
Yes, I think that constant anapests or dactyls would certainly be more of a nightmare than iambs. I’m glad the poem made you happy, Brian. Thank you!
Cynthia, what an absolute hoot! I love every humorous line. Mike and I have progressed to rhyming couplets in an array of rhythmic and rapturous stanzas that keep the cat entertained and visitors a tad wary. Such is the life of a poet. Great stuff!!
Thank you, Susan! I’m glad if I can entertain you a bit, in gratitude for the many times you’ve entertained me here!
This does happen to a lot of poets, though metrical substitutions are less likely in the course of this affliction. I read an article once where it was suggested that iambic pentameter mimics certain natural human rhythms, such as breathing. But the writer also suggested that iambic tetrameter might be an even better fit. Before Abraham was, iambic.
Okay, I’m laughing out loud now, C.B.! I think Abraham might be shocked, though…. 🙂
Great close! Heptameter is truly to be feared ;<)
Indeed! Thank you, Bob!
A few readers of Cynthia’s poem here wondered about my condition; am I okay?
Just writing to let everyone know that iamb fine.
Please tell Cynthia I hope to meter someday.
Very funny, Russel!
This happens to me (almost) all the time. It seems as if I’m programmed to look for iambs in what not!—newspaper headlines, short stories, long text messages, and the very recent AN EMAIL! Gosh!
Love this poem to the bits, Cynthia! Thank you so much for sharing.
Thank you, Shamik! I figured this must happen to a lot of us.
Cute sound effects and able Shakespeare allusions, Cynthia.
When you really need a cure, though, just pick up a hymnal and sing! The metrical index of the one I use most often shows only ten hymns out of 600+ with nothing but 10’s to count syllables per line. If doses of Short Meter, Long Meter, and Common Meter don’t work, there’s always 87.87 D. Have an ongoing Merry Christmas and happy metrical variety for 2025!
Thank you, Margaret! That’s an excellent suggestion. I have lots of hymnals, and have written texts to a few of my favorite tunes. Happy Christmas and New Year to you, as well!
Ah Cynthia, do not feel bad that metered beats appear
in conversations that you have with friends. It could be worse…
I too am there, and oftentimes my family finds it weird;
for in my case, my words end up in heptametric verse.
So try to make the best of those poetic lines gone wild;
just know that pentametric flow prevents each utterance
from sounding like a Hallmark card read by a skillful child,
and let the heartbeat of your words form an iambic dance.
(Thanks for a fun read, DG)
Great heptameters, Dusty! Thank you. I’m suprised that people even notice heptameters in conversation!