.

The “La Vache Qui Rit” Candidate

Here she comes smiling a big toothy grin at us
Laughing and cackling her candidate talk—
Does she make sense? No, she isn’t quite good at that;
All she can manage is chitchat and squawk.

She’s the Vice President, smug and unflappable,
Certain her chances to move up are ripe—
Others are doubtful, and think that the lady’s a
Shallow creation of media hype.

Her problem is laughing—she’s simply a slave to it
Like a baboon or hyaena in heat—
She tries to control it by biting down heavily
Inside her mouth on the side of her cheek.

But I suppose that the Deep State’s opinion is
Simply that she’ll hold a figurehead job
As the small ornament on a car’s engine hood:
Useless but cute, like a finial knob.

For that’s the way that our rulers consider things:
People on top merely serve as a show.
Puppets exist just as dolls on a set of strings—
Puppeteers dictate which way they should go.

The problem for Dems is that Trump’s uncontrollable.
He’s got a mind, and he’ll do what he thinks.
He doesn’t listen to government bureaucrats
And vetoes their policy if the thing stinks.

Harris, however, is soft and amenable—
She’ll do whatever the big guys propose:
Answer on cue to the Deep State’s requirements,
Spouting the pre-programmed Yesses and Noes.

Getting her ass kicked by Trump is foreseeable;
Maybe the Dems ought to rethink and switch—
Even if millions are spent on publicity,
Who’s gonna vote for a talentless bitch?

A country that’s run by a DEI imbecile
Is something sane people should never endure—
But morons will vote for “La Vache Qui Rit” mindlessly
Tricked by a media flood of manure.

Remember the cheese with the Laughing Cow’s face on it
Smiling at us with a dull bovine gape—
Want a small cube of fromage as your President?
Isn’t the nation in bad enough shape?

.

.

Joseph S. Salemi has published five books of poetry, and his poems, translations and scholarly articles have appeared in over one hundred publications world-wide.  He is the editor of the literary magazine TRINACRIA and writes for Expansive Poetry On-line. He teaches in the Department of Humanities at New York University and in the Department of Classical Languages at Hunter College.

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26 Responses

  1. Julian D. Woodruff

    Savage, funny, and inventive. I think KH’s talent, if you can call it that, is smelling out money and jumping through the hoops to get it if she possibly can.

    Reply
  2. Roy Eugene Peterson

    What a great entertaining satire this is with all the aplomb of a cow stomping through the pasture. How accurate are your descriptions of her personality, her shallowing reasoning and logical thinking ability, and of the ones who would love to be the backstage managers pulling the strings so the puppet can dance to their misguided agendas. This is a masterpiece of ingenuity and creativity!

    Reply
  3. Brian A. Yapko

    Joe as Julian puts it this is indeed “savage” — and yet so accurate. It’s hysterically funny and terrifying at the same time. It’s true all they want is a puppet figurehead. Democrats have become so amoral it’s terrifying. The idea that this woman could end up as our Commander in Chief…? I know that Russia, China, Iran and North Korea are shaking in their boots. Americans can be such children. They want a president who seems “nice” and “approachable.” They have no idea what true leadership demands and what qualities actually make an effective leader. If they did, they’d send this ultra-liberal “Laughing Cow’ right back to San Francisco where she belongs.

    Reply
  4. Susan Jarvis Bryant

    Joe, I simply adore a serving of savage satire, and as a turophile this piquant poem appeals to my senses. I’ve just written a poem on Kamala, but it doesn’t reach the heady heights of “The “La Vache Qui Rit” Candidate”. I do, however, think it captures the essence of her surreal sermons on… mmm… I haven’t quite worked out what on earth she’s spouting about. I hope it makes you smile:

    Kamala’s Address to the Basket of Deplorables

    Unburdened or burdened, that is the question:
    Whether ‘tis nobler to suffer but titter,
    Or suffer and titter, or titter, not suffer –
    What can be, unburdened by what has been,
    Or what’s been, unburdened by what can be?
    To wail and coil neath life’s mortal burden
    Or to shuffle off life’s burdensome toil
    With the wild laugh of a pumped hyena
    And the wry wink of a fake philosopher?
    Ay, there’s the rub – the burdened can envision
    Only what has always been instead of
    What can be. Do not let that burden you.
    Perchance to dream in dark days of orange –
    A bare bodkin of bonus burdens
    For those who deal in rich men and camels.
    Avoid the burden of proof. Truth pierces
    And pricks the guffaw of a cackling conscience.
    Burdened or unburdened. There is no answer.

    Reply
    • Joshua C. Frank

      Wow, I don’t usually see you writing blank verse, but this is really good! I know it’s a parody of Shakespeare’s “To Be or Not to Be,” but still, I’ve tried blank verse a bunch of times and it falls apart without some kind of constraint on the end-words.

      Reply
  6. C.B. Anderson

    Strangely, Joseph, she is likely worse than you let on. There is so much evidence and testimony! Anyone who fears Trump should have a check-up from the neck up.

    Reply
  8. Mike Bryant

    The Justice for Victims of Lynching Act was introduced in the Senate by Kamala Harris in June 2018.

    Jussie Smollett committed his hoax in January 2019.

    Kamala said that Jussie Smollett was the victim of a “modern day lynching” since one of his hired attackers placed a noose around his neck during the farce.

    Reply
  9. Joshua C. Frank

    As I’m sure you know, “la vache qui rit” means “the cow who laughs,” and though neither my family nor I are cattle, we were in hysterics over this. This is really well-done satire.

    Stanza 5 reminds me: Sometimes we like to play old Nintendo games together, and one of them features (as a minor villain) an enchanted marionette suspended from a control bar in the air, seeming to have no one controlling it but clearly controlled by someone unseen. I said that was the perfect metaphor for Biden and got some laughs, but I’m sure that’s true of anyone in this puppet government of ours. I’m not even confident that Trump would be an exception if elected.

    Either way, I’m sure the Deep State has already decided who will win the election in November.

    Reply
  10. Joseph S. Salemi

    Thank you all for your very kind comments. They are deeply appreciated. And especial thanks are due to Brian Yapko, who read the penultimate draft of this poem and made some extremely useful suggestions.

    Reply
  11. Margaret Coats

    Joe, this poem persuades first of all on the level of sound and rhythm (foreign sounds and uncommon meter), before one comes to duly humorous mockery in content and tone. You are a master to attend to each aspect of the satire in a manner suitable to the subject.

    Reply
  13. James Sale

    A savage and mini-masterpiece: satire on steroids! Love it. Some people – at the top – have lost it, Joe, but you haven’t!

    Reply
  14. Warren Bonham

    I used to love that cheese but you’ve ruined it for me forever. Very entertaining and distressingly accurate.

    Reply
  15. Lannie David Brockstein

    In ‘The “La Vache Qui Rit” Candidate’, Joseph S. Salemi wrote:
    >>> “But morons will vote for “La Vache Qui Rit” mindlessly
    Tricked by a media flood of manure.”

    ~~~~~

    Joseph, to expand upon the argument that you put forth in your ‘The “La Vache Qui Rit” Candidate’ poem, although President Brandon’s insincere smile is like that of the villainous Joker from the Batman comic books, it is the equally devious Kamala Harris who laughs like him.

    It is worth noting that uncontrolled or inappropriate laughing is a side effect of several Big Pharma drug products, as well as a symptom of several diseases. Whatever its cause, that ugly laughter of hers certainly isn’t normal:

    ~~~~~
    Pseudobulbar Affect (PBA)”: https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/17928-pseudobulbar-affect-pba
    “Pseudobulbar affect (PBA) is a neurological condition that causes outbursts of uncontrolled or inappropriate laughing or crying. ”
    ~~~~~

    Nobody in their right mind should be surprised if the swamp infested Demented Party has already planned for President Brandon to resign in August or September, or mere weeks before the US 2024 election whereby it happens that she is selected as the next US president, in a shameless attempt for the collaborating mainstream media to give her the momentum as both the incumbent and the first female US president going into election day.

    Here in Canada that game plan didn’t help Kim Campbell when Prime Minister Brian Mulroney of the Progressive Conservative Party of Canada retired in 1993, which months later resulted in that party having suffered a historic defeat in Canada’s 1993 election. That also resulted in the PC party having dissolved almost 61 years to the day after it was founded. The same game plan was recently used by the UK’s swamp infested Conservative Party after Prime Minister Boris Johnson resigned in 2022, and was replaced by Liz Truss and then Rishi Sunak who lost by a landslide in the UK 2024 election.

    Whether or not President Brandon resigns before the 2024 US election, there are many reasons for US Rightists and Independents to vote for President Trump at the most, or the Republican Party at the least even if they do not necessarily agree with everything about President Trump’s candidacy.

    Regarding his actions during the covid flu pandemic, it seems to me that like the vast majority of people he was deceived by Big Pharma, but that like many individuals since he has wizened up. It seems to me that if G-d forbid there is a Disease X pandemic, President Trump will not be fooled again. I say as much, in part because of President Trump’s friendship with RFK Jr., who is one of the few individuals that were not deceived by Big Pharma at any point in time during the covid flu pandemic.

    Furthermore, there is arguably nobody more qualified than RFK Jr. who can help President Trump to drain the swamp. Will RFK Jr. become a part of the Trump administration, as it is rumoured, if President Trump returns to the White House? That is what it seems to me. But it might not happen if US Rightists and Independents who are currently on the fence regarding President Trump do not get off the fence by voting, at the very least, against the Demented Party and thus for the Republican Party.

    Thank you Joseph, for having helped to shine a light on the cackling swamp creature that is the hideous Kamala Harris. As her policy positions have proven, she is as horrid a politician as Canada’s Deputy Prime Minister (akin to the US Vice President) Chrystia Freeland, whose manner of speaking is reminiscent of the performances by the actress Imelda Staunton when she portrayed J.K. Rowling’s much despised Dolores Umbridge character in the Harry Potter movies.

    From Lannie.

    Reply
  16. Cheryl Corey

    Let’s just be thankful that Biden didn’t resign as President. If KH was elevated to that position, she’d have all the power of incumbency and the power the office confers.

    Reply
    • James Sale

      He’s hanging on by a thread Cheryl – I think we can reasonably bet that KH will be president within 2 months since Biden is clearly seriously ill – and since the galvanisation that occurred since his standing down is rather like the finger removed from the dyke: the Democrats themselves will now knife Biden. The queen bee must be killed so that the queen bee can live. However, once this euphoria is over – it won’t take long – whether she can, even as president – not repeatedly fall on her own ‘stinger’ before the onslaught of Trump is another matter. I noticed a real howler from her the other day: Trump is too old! She seems not to have realised that that comment condemns her own support for Biden. But then expecting consistency is a high bar …

      Reply
  17. Joseph S. Salemi

    Thanks again to everyone for commenting. I’m glad the poem has provoked discussion.

    Reply
  18. Adam Wasem

    Joseph, I appreciate your attempt to address the absurdity of Harris’ candidacy on the level of a politically unsophisticated audience. It’s a problem I often wrestle with–my own awareness, having attempted to educate myself politically, of the absurdity of her presidential candidacy versus what the media-misinformed masses can digest–and your frustration and indignation at this state of affairs comes through very clearly. I find the chasm between my and the masses’ understanding so wide I have great difficulty bridging it, so, again, kudos for the attempt. I do fear the invective in your last 3 stanzas would tend more to alienate the uninitiated than persuade, but perhaps that’s just my “gray man” strategy for dealing with the coming troubles talking.

    Reply
    • Joseph S. Salemi

      Adam, thank you for your thoughtful comments and observations. At this point in time the Democrat Party can only rely on lies, smears, media hype, slander, and sheer idiocy to fight for the election of this dangerously stupid woman. Unfortunately they have plenty of money to burn on the task, and millions of Americans are still naive enough to be taken in by the scam.

      As for my invective upsetting some folks — well, I simply don’t give a swiving hump. Those people are already the timorous, conformist, nicey-nice types who will do whatever the mainstream media and mainline churches tell them to do.

      Reply
  19. Adam Sedia

    Satire has been called the only literary genre the Romans developed themselves instead of borrowing from the Greeks. Here you give us a true satire here in the tradition of Juvenal: blunt and humorous.

    Reply
    • Joseph S. Salemi

      Adam Sedia, thanks for these observations. I always think of my satire as Juvenalian rather than the milder Horatian form.

      In our Nicey-Nice world of politically correct and pious etiquette, satire is pretty much an outlawed or carefully house-trained genre that is kept on a leash. When I have shown my satirical work to many people, they have been outraged or squeamish, and they usually come up with the fatuous argument that satire is supposed to be “positive” and in the form of “constructive criticism,” and it should support “socially progressive goals.”

      I don’t know what kind of ball-less satire that might be, but I’ll never write it.

      Reply
  20. Daniel Kemper

    I am a lover of cheese, virtually all cheese, beyond my budget cheese. There’s a section in my local Grocery Outlet (walking distance) with a surprising cheese section at great prices. But now…

    any time I see that Laughing Cow, I’ll think of Kamela. What have you done to me!!!???

    🙂

    A snappy, sizzling satire, as always.

    The worst thing about Kamela might not be the empty suit that she is, but that a vote for her is essentially a vote for the administrative state. She’ll be about as engaged as a president as she has been as a vice president. Who HAS been running the country these last four years?

    Reply

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