The Society May 2, 2017 Culture, From the Society, Humor, Poetry 30 Comments RULES: A reprieve from heavy subject matter, we ask poets to write a funny poem (2-14 lines) that includes food. You may choose to replace words in a popular song with food or use food in any other way you like, as long as it isn’t inappropriate. Paste your contest submission into the comments section below with your name, city, and state (no need to list your last name or email address if you don’t want to). One submission per contestant. Submissions should be originally written just for this contest. No submission fee. DEADLINE: May 31 midnight EST. Winner announced June 10. PRIZE: Official Winner’s Certificate. JUDGE: Society staff and the Advisory Board will judge (those who choose not to participate in judging may participate in the contest) Featured Image: “Fruit Basket” by Giuseppe Arcimboldo Related Post ‘Justice, Equity and Compassion in Human Relatio... Justice, Equity and Compassion in Human Relations In realms of Humankind’s relations, Justice rules as queen & from her crown, the... Tell the world:FacebookTwitterTumblrPinterestRedditLinkedInEmail 30 Responses Bret from Brooklyn May 2, 2017 After Kendrick Lamar’s “King Kunta” Spelt where you when I was walkin’? Now I run the millet got the whole world talkin’, King Kunta Everybody wanna red-skinned potatoes, Kunta Black man emmer also known as farro Kamut where you when I was walkin’? Now I run the game, got the whole world talkin’, King Kunta Everybody wanna store energy in the form of carbohydrates King Kunta Reply Juanita from Michigan May 2, 2017 After Johnny Cash’s “Ring of Fire” My omelet was a jalapeno fire It went down, down, down And the flames went higher And it burns, burns, burns Jalapeno fire Reply Sally, Silver Creek, NY May 2, 2017 Wobbly Reflections What does the jello think As it wobbles in the bowl? It dreads the sucking sink, But has no stated goal. A crystal dish will suit Its personality. It snuggles up to fruit, Is clinging as can be. Aggressive; passive too, It has one simple dream, And jiggles through and through At thoughts of plump whipped cream. Reply wendy lee klenetsky May 2, 2017 My Funny-Food-Poetry-Contest Entry Both neighbors had a barbeque: burgers, fries and franks. Potato salad and cole slaw drew happy smiles and thanks. One neighbor forgot to buy corn cobs, but HIS neighbor bought cobs and some beers So he got up his might, and very polite said “Neighbor, please lend me your ears!” Reply Alex Phuong May 2, 2017 “Give Me Food” Give me food! Give me food! Come on I’m so hungry! Linguine, spaghetti I sure do love pasta! I don’t care About the food’s price tag Just feed me please! My stomach is growling like a lion! By Alex Andy Phuong Alhambra, CA Reply Amy Foreman May 2, 2017 This is way too long (32 lines), but I started going and I couldn’t stop! So it’s not really a submission–just some fun: Hash Hurry up, and get your graters, ‘Cause we’re makin’ hashed po-taters! And from all the indicators They should taste real nice! First we’ll start with commen-taters, Typical pontificators. They’re the fav’rites of curators: Fussy and precise. Then we’ll throw in three dic-taters, Though we know they’re mostly haters, Culture’s evil perpetrators: Still, they add some spice. Next, a dozen imi-taters, Favored by the finest waiters: Vegetable impersonators, Best if held on ice. “No thanks!”to regurgi-taters! Bad digestion agi-taters: Gastric missile detonators– Not for any price! But we’ll take facili-taters, Go-betweens and mediators. Such untroubled regulators Taste like paradise! Last of all, some poten-taters: Spicy, strong vasodilators– And, by all the indicators, Several should suffice. Hey, let’s cut them hashed po-taters, Spuds for all you fabricators– Gather ‘round, collaborators, Get yourself a slice! Reply Joan Carol Fullmore May 2, 2017 You have my vote!! This is terrific! Reply Amy Foreman May 3, 2017 Thanks, Joan. Liza Williams May 3, 2017 This is brilliant! You know who would like your funny aesthetic, is Jerome Betts, editor at Lighten Up Online, out of England. Reply Amy Foreman May 3, 2017 Thank you, Liza– I had never heard of “Lighten Up Online” and I really appreciate you telling me about this fun venue! Liza McAlister Williams May 5, 2017 You’re so welcome. And another fantastic (monthly!) English site I discovered is Snakeskin Magazine (Ed. George Simmers) – not a focus on humor but a very interesting aesthetic… And while we’re speaking of the British Isles, the Irish (mostly women’s) poetry site Poethead (Ed. Christine Murray) is intriguing. All of these places publish Americans as well as Brits… G. M. H. Thompson May 2, 2017 “A Slice of Eden” A mango tart broke my heart dark one stormy day because it said I’d be dead if I touched its glaze, & lotus cake made me ache late one luckless night because it cried when I tried taking one small bite, & once when I slyly spied baklava at tea a coffee pot boiled and shot liquid hate at me; exotic sweets, foreign treats,— everything I need has ever turned sour and spurned sweetness when I plead, thus I may try homemade pie, ice-cream, toast & jam;— perhaps this ash shall dispatch dreams of saffron yams, yet I’m afraid marmalade, cookies, honey buns cannot erase tropic tastes you left on my tongue, & so I’ll search all the earth’s xanadus for some patisserie half as sweet as your blandest crumb. Reply G. M. H. Thompson May 2, 2017 G. M. H. Thompson Saint Louis, Missouri, United States of America Reply Joan Carol Fullmore May 2, 2017 Joan Carol from Los Angeles CA I was pondering on this contest What food inspires me the most? While I was sucking a tootsie roll It spread and I almost choked! The moral of this story Is the secret to why we get fat We are eating what’s in front of us While thinking of what comes next! Reply Christine Tabaka May 3, 2017 PERFECT PEACH Juicy and ripe The perfect peach High on the tree Just out of reach Tasty and round That tempting fruit Had me climbing In sweet pursuit Higher I venture For the delicious prize The ultimate trophy I did surmise Finally mine The mouthwatering treat Now in my hands For me to eat Reply Susan Martin/Ocean, NJ May 3, 2017 My Perfect Mom Achoo! Achoo! A cold and the pain of the flu, No need to fret, attention I’ll get, My mom knows just what to do. She turns down my bed, hands me my book, Then off to the kitchen where she knows she must cook Chicken soup for her honey, her nose that is runny, Her bones that are aching, her frame that is shaking, Her hacking and coughing, achoo! She boils the chicken, skims off the foam, Adds the sweet spices that brighten the home, An onion, a turnip, parsley, and dill, Celery, carrots; it’s better than pills. Noodles or dumplings to fill up the pot, Then hugs and kisses, and how can I not Feel better this minute, it’s just what I need, Mom, I love you, you’re perfect indeed. Reply Bob McGinness / Columbia, SC May 4, 2017 Osteria The summer of two thousand eight was dry, producing Sangiovese grapes nearby the town of Montalcino, Tuscany. Caparzo wines with high acidity. The fruity glass, Brunello Montalcino, would surely complement with berried vino, the truffled ravioli and ricotta; a Cappelletti tune with string sonata. And Stracci: pasta ribbed in ragged splendor, immersed with braised wild mushrooms, warm and tender, sautéed in mildly bold rosemary oil, and wine that complements without turmoil. So long to savor life, my fare’s been tragic, until I tasted culinary magic. Reply Amy Foreman May 4, 2017 Lovely! Perfect ending couplet! Reply Josh Lefkowitz May 4, 2017 Pluot Pluot, Plout, The fruit that I knew not, The one with the crunchy skin, Yet juicy in the middle; You’re like a pitted riddle And our love affair now begins. Kinder than an apple, Stronger than a pear, Better than a mushy banana. You bury every berry; You make a man most merry; In me you’ve a got a new fan – ah, Pluot, Pluot, Like Al Pacino’s “hoo-ah,” You’re strange, unique, and divine. But lo, how I wish That my favorite fruit dish Wasn’t priced at $2.99. Reply C.B. Anderson May 5, 2017 Just Desserts It started with a peach parfait With lots of multicolored sprinkles, And after that some crème brûlée Served over jalapeño Pringles. And next came trays of cherry Danish, Warmed up with shredded cheddar cheese, But after that the very main dish: A tart of candied larval bees. Three courses on, sautéed in butter, We tasted sugar-coated quince, And some of us began to mutter, While others of us had to wince. The feasting wasn’t over yet; I topped it off with chocolate cake. And one thing I will not forget: I wound up with a stomachache. C.B. Anderson Maynard, Massachusetts Reply Wendy Bourke May 8, 2017 Buon Appetito Come in, sit down, so glad you’re here. My ‘Themed’ Supper’s almost ready. I’ve made Mussels Marinara – Served with made-from-scratch Spaghetti. There’s Cheese Platters, Antipasto: Prosciutto, Melon, Pepperoni … Bruschetta, Olives, Breads, Chianti – And I churned my own Spumoni. I really pulled out all the stops. I swirled and whirled and tossed. But keep an eye out while you eat … My nose ring has been lost. Wendy, Vancouver, BC Reply Liza McAlister Williams May 10, 2017 To Arcimboldo Your lips are luscious – are those cherries red as poison holly berries? Your dangly earrings are so grape! I envy them with mouth agape in hopes that one might just drop in. Your nose, your ears, your eyes, your chin are ripe enough to gobble down – but then your smile would turn to frown, and moving on from fruit to cake I’d suffer from a bellyache. Reply David Watt May 11, 2017 Restaurant Critic I’ve become a restaurant critic – a pastime surreptitious, Disguised as humble patron, private connoisseur of dishes. But hidden in my briefcase, tucked neatly under table, Resides a voice-recorder, linked to sugar-bowl by cable. There within the sugar-bowl, supported by the spoon, I hide a mini-microphone for comments opportune. Interspersed ‘tween slurp and dribble, I chatter without quibble, Finding faults aplenty in each main, dessert, or nibble. “The stir-fry’s gone stir-crazy! The minestrone’s lacking! This mud cake fits description! The crackling isn’t cracking! Then the restaurant owner grabs me, and labels me “A phony.” To which I swiftly answer, “Sour grapes, and spoiled baloney!” David Watt Canberra, ACT, Australia Reply Noah from Delmar, DE May 12, 2017 Apple a Day I’d been eating an apple a day; I’d peel the green skin and toss cores, I’d bob for said apples in days gay, And climb the boughs of fructus fruit But one day came walking a guest, And said to me with voice stooped, “An apple a day keeps harm away, But sir, please come–look this way!” Upon the hill and around my farm The trees were bare to my alarm! Reply Jessica from Browns Mills, NJ May 14, 2017 “That’s why there’s meat” ~ Bruno Mars Parody Swap out the broccoli, please, let’s put some cheese on it Miss me with that fruit, without some sugar on it I’d never go vegan, no never at all And I’ll show you why that is true! Dairy just tastes way too good Veggies aren’t even true food Lucky for me, that’s why there’s meat, that’s why there’s meat Lucky for me, that’s why there’s meat, that’s why there’s meat Burger grease makes me real weak Bacon is a real good treat Lucky for me, that’s why there’s meat, that’s why there’s meat Lucky for me, that’s why there’s meat, that’s why there’s meat Reply Charles May 15, 2017 Sonnet for J. Walter Hawkes Now if I told you that the icebox spoke to me, and then I told you at the end it hummed a tune, just how could I defend myself, my sanity, if I awoke tomorrow with my arms around its doors? A catsup bottle conducts spiral ham and cheese in symphonic harmony; jam and mallows playin’ jello with some s’mores. The icebox said, “At last! You’re home! Enjoy the heat, the stove is stoked, we’re all alone, my friend.” “All right,” I said, his voice inside my head.(I know you think this is a ploy for sympathy, an act you can’t let slide; until you see the smoothie play trombone). Reply Michelle Simon May 16, 2017 O Gummy Worms (sing to the tune of a popular holiday song) by Michelle T. Simon, Scottsdale, AZ O gummy worms! O gummy worms With rainbow rings so tasty; O gummy worms! O gummy worms! Your vibe is never pasty; Fresh and fruity without the dirt, Stashed in the pocket of my skirt. O gummy worms! O gummy worms! With rainbow rings so tasty! O gummy worms! O gummy worms! Upon my tongue you wriggle; O gummy worms! O gummy worms! ‘Stead of gagging, I giggle… Yes, gummy worms! O gummy worms! Sure make my tummy giggle! 🙂 Reply Joan Carol Fullmore May 16, 2017 Love your poem!!! I love gummy worms too! Reply Suzanne in Connecticut May 21, 2017 Tenderloin I lifted you, up to my lips, upon the fork’s unflinching tips. You shuddered as you rose to meet my tongue, a hostess indiscreet. With juicy sweat upon your brow you entered in my darkened mouth. Once there I pressed and fondled you, and thence I swallowed your virtue. Reply Judy from Gautier, Mississippi May 21, 2017 Dissertation on Peanut Butter I don’t like peanut butter; that’s all that I know. My psychiatrist says that perhaps, long ago, a cruel aunt stuffed great quantities down my small throat. My reply to this statement, I don’t think I’ll quote. He tries to console me; he says he is sure that for every neurosis there must be a cure, and by starting out slowly – a teaspoon a day – I’ll some day put pots of the vile stuff away. If he should succeed (oh, that sadistic sinner!), I will gulp it down daily for lunch and for dinner! No thank you, good doctor. It’s sad, but it’s true, I feel nothing but villainous malice toward you, and when “creamy” or “chunk style” is offered to me I think I’ll just exit precipitously. 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