Three Poems on the Spread of the CCP Virus (COVID-19) The Society March 17, 2020 Covid-19, Culture, Deconstructing Communism, Human Rights in China, Humor, Poetry 12 Comments The Society of Classical Poets refers to the COVID-19 coronavirus as the CCP virus because the Chinese Communist Party’s coverup and mismanagement allowed the virus to spread throughout China and create a global pandemic. Flatten the Curve by Rob Crisell “Flatten the curve,” they say to me. “Or we’ll destroy humanity. Don’t go to work. Don’t go to school. Don’t go to church. The golden rule Is wash our hands ten times an hour. If someone coughs, go take a shower. Buy toilet rolls for 15 years, Enough to wipe a thousand rears. Avoid first bumps, no human contact, No Chinese food, no social contract. Let’s watch the news and stoke our fear. Assume that Armageddon’s here. Impress our friends with expertise On how to fight this dread disease. Then hide out in our little house With restless kids and nervous spouse.” But as we lay us down to sleep, Let’s pray the Lord our soul to keep. Let us our worser angels flout, And good ones fire the bad ones out. Communist Evil by Russel Winick The evil Chinese government Exclusively desirous Of maintaining its false image Covered up the Wuhan virus. Why I Value Toilet Paper by Roy E. Peterson My wife once used to laugh at How much toilet paper I’d buy. If it was January, We could last until July. You have to understand that there’s A reason I conserve. When I was once a youngster, we’d No TP in reserve. When you’re from a small farm On the Dakota prairie, The paper in the outhouse was a Precious thing seen rarely. The other option for us was To use an old corn cob. The problem with these wipers was They made our bottoms throb. One of the biggest reasons that I loved to go to school Was that their bathrooms had big rolls And I thought that was cool. In fact, most all the farmers then Were paperless like me. And having something soft to wipe Was a fine luxury. We had no paper napkins and no Tissues for a nose, We all used folded hankies kept in Pockets in our clothes. Now that we’ve had this crisis I am Sitting here quite pretty. I’ve plenty toilet paper, so my Bottom won’t be dirty. NOTE TO READERS: If you enjoyed this poem or other content, please consider making a donation to the Society of Classical Poets. NOTE TO POETS: The Society considers this page, where your poetry resides, to be your residence as well, where you may invite family, friends, and others to visit. Feel free to treat this page as your home and remove anyone here who disrespects you. Simply send an email to email@example.com. Put “Remove Comment” in the subject line and list which comments you would like removed. The Society does not endorse any views expressed in individual poems or comments and reserves the right to remove any comments to maintain the decorum of this website and the integrity of the Society. Please see our Comments Policy here. CODEC News:Share this:Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)Click to print (Opens in new window)Click to share on LinkedIn (Opens in new window)Click to share on WhatsApp (Opens in new window)Click to email this to a friend (Opens in new window)Click to share on Pinterest (Opens in new window) 12 Responses Joseph S. Salemi March 17, 2020 Mr. Peterson — is that off-rhyme of “pretty/dirty” in you last line deliberate? Are you just trying to avoid the perfect rhyme of “shitty”? Is this simply a bow to public prudery? Reply C.B. Anderson March 17, 2020 Great point, Joseph. Roy missed out on a great line. Reply Roy E. Peterson April 1, 2020 Dear C.B. I greatly respect the wonderful works of you and James Tweedie. I did recognize the opportunity, but I avoid scatological words completely. Roy E. Peterson April 1, 2020 You caught me, Joseph! I avoid such slang words at all cost. I will tell you it is not because I am prudish, but because my mother was an English teacher and we never used such words in our family back then, or when I had my own family. Reply Aarav April 6, 2020 The correct thing to do. Joan Erickson March 17, 2020 All three are prize winners!!! Thank you!!! Reply C.B. Anderson March 17, 2020 Rob Crisell, Only in a poem this funny could you get away with the double comparative “worser.” Such grammatical improprieties are the stuff of good light verse. Reply Rob Crisell March 17, 2020 Thanks, C.B. The last stanza is a Shakespeare reference. He used “worser” 21 times in his works. If it’s good enough for the Bard… : ) Reply C.B. Anderson March 17, 2020 Roy, I thought the traditional paper of choice in rural outhouses was the sheer pages of the Sears or Montgomery-Ward catalogs. As a young adult I lived in a place (a mountain valley in extreme rural Arizona) where an outhouse was the place to go. After the first one filled up, we dug a pit for another one several feet away. We did have store-bought toilet paper, though. But we always lifted up the seats to see whether any black widow spiders were lurking beneath. Reply Roy E. Peterson April 1, 2020 C.B. You are absolutely correct. Sears and Wards were in virtually every outhouse on South Dakota farms. My first thirteen years were spent on a farm there before moving to Texas. Every once in a while we had to move the outhouse on skids pulled by a tractor. I argued once with a Naval Captain about who had the poorer childhood. He won the argument because my dad built in a two-seater bench in the outhouse making ours a luxury. You are so right about checking for spiders under the seats! Reply Phyllis Anderson March 18, 2020 Enjoyed all of these, especially “Communist Evil.” There may be a typo in Rob’s poem. I believe it should be “fist bumps” instead of “first bumps.” Reply Rob Crisell March 19, 2020 Good catch, Phyllis! I’ve read that poem a few dozen times and I missed it, at least on the version I submitted. Thanks. Hopefully, one of the editors can fix it. Reply Leave a Reply to Roy E. Peterson Cancel ReplyYour email address will not be published.CommentName* Email* Website Notify me of follow-up comments by email. Notify me of new posts by email. This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.