‘If Biden Had a Brain’ by Susan Jarvis Bryant The Society March 18, 2020 Culture, Humor, Poetry 28 Comments He has spent a shower of hours obtaining power and glowers from bigwigs in Ukraine— he’d minimize the drama and he’d be the next Obama if he only had a brain. “You’re a dog-faced pony-soldier!” is negative exposure; they’re words that taunt and shame— he’d laugh it off and smile, bamboozle and beguile if he only had a brain. He’s bad at navigation, his radar’s lost sensation; all places look the same— he’d know South Carolina from Montana, Maine, and China if he only had a brain. His constant quest for sniffing is simply unforgiving his nostrils are a pain— their flare leaves fine folk queasy, he’d know sniffing hair was sleazy if he only had a brain. His “You’re talking sh*t!” replies to the guys who criticize are brazenly insane— he would know his crappy yapper would be a campaign zapper if he only had a brain. He’s primed to be next POTUS if voters didn’t notice his focus has no aim— Joe’s 2020 vision would annihilate derision if he only had a brain! Susan Jarvis Bryant is a church secretary and poet whose homeland is Kent, England. She is now an American citizen living on the coastal plains of Texas. Susan has poetry published in the UK webzine, Lighten Up On Line, The Daily Mail, and Openings (anthologies of poems by Open University Poets). NOTE: The Society considers this page, where your poetry resides, to be your residence as well, where you may invite family, friends, and others to visit. Feel free to treat this page as your home and remove anyone here who disrespects you. Simply send an email to firstname.lastname@example.org. Put “Remove Comment” in the subject line and list which comments you would like removed. The Society does not endorse any views expressed in individual poems or comments and reserves the right to remove any comments to maintain the decorum of this website and the integrity of the Society. Please see our Comments Policy here. Share this:Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)Click to print (Opens in new window)Click to share on LinkedIn (Opens in new window)Click to share on WhatsApp (Opens in new window)Click to email this to a friend (Opens in new window)Click to share on Pinterest (Opens in new window) 28 Responses James Sale March 18, 2020 There’s genius in your refrain: if only he had a brain! Made me laugh – a lot! Reply Susan Jarvis Bryant March 18, 2020 I am thrilled my rather silly ditty made you laugh, James – the very best medicine in these feverish times. Reply Joseph S. Salemi March 18, 2020 A note for those readers not familiar with the movie “The Wizard of Oz” — Ms. Bryant’s poem is to be sung to the tune of the song sung by the Scarecrow in that production. Reply Susan Jarvis Bryant March 18, 2020 Thank you for pointing this out, Sir. This fun poem is best appreciated if one can sing it. A little dog-faced-pony-soldier jig alongside is recommended for maximum jollity. Reply Joe Tessitore March 18, 2020 Just what we need, in these truly humorless times. Reply Susan Jarvis Bryant March 18, 2020 You are absolutely right, Joe. I’m laughing instead of crying and hoping the rest of you join in… with the laughter, of course! Reply FRANK DECANIO March 18, 2020 Truly funny poem, ad well done. So much of it’s on target, except the final line, since you don’t achieve what Mr. Biden has without a brain, and a good deal of political savvy. I’m to assume Ms. Bryant will sit this one out? And thanks Mr. Salemi for the Wizard reference. Reply Susan Jarvis Bryant March 18, 2020 With or without a brain, the only thing this arch politician has achieved is to take full advantage of the American tax payers – much the same as the majority of politicians with their nose in the rip-off trough. I’m glad you found my poem amusing. Thank you for the feedback, Frank. Reply FRANK DECANIO March 19, 2020 Well, Susan, thanks for the up and up. I’m not politically savvy. so you probably know more than I do. But if ripping the taxpayer off is Joe’s problem, he’s probably not alone. Still, it does take a brain to do that, I guess. But again it’s a joke and not an anatomical report. Falls into the same category as saying someone doesn’t have a heart. I told that to a person I knew and he got so scared he wanted to take an x-ray. LOL! Mike Bryant March 18, 2020 Susan is intelligent and engaged and WILL NOT sit this one out. She is voting with mind, heart and soul. Reply Margaret Coats March 18, 2020 This entertaining poem moves jauntily forward with a bright use of refrain, and then caps its thought with a splendid pun on “2020.” Thanks for the fun! Reply Susan Jarvis Bryant March 18, 2020 Thank you for your appreciation, Margaret. I’m thrilled you enjoyed it. Reply Neal March 18, 2020 This is sitcom material, if only he had a brain… Thank you for the pondering smile. Reply Susan Jarvis Bryant March 18, 2020 I like your idea, Neal – there’s plenty of material to work with. Reply Mike Bryant March 18, 2020 You have a way with words, a wherewithal with all the bright and beautiful. But mostly You have fun lampooning all the lampoonable! You are amazing! Reply Susan Jarvis Bryant March 18, 2020 Thank you, biggest fan! Reply RM March 18, 2020 I am clearly not in the same political area as this so-called Society, so am now unsubscribing. I find it most unfortunate that blatant political views were posted in these divisive times. I thought this was a place for classical poetry. Reply Susan Jarvis Bryant March 18, 2020 You’re “unsubscribing” because you find one poem distasteful? Why not try reading some of the other poetry? There’s a huge swathe of talent in this site and I’m disappointed that this poem is the reason you’re going to miss out on it. The beauty of this site is that all opinions are welcome and free speech is encouraged. There’s no need to leave, just look around for something you like – there’s plenty of classical poetry to choose from. Reply Mike Bryant March 18, 2020 You’ll have to stop reading Shakespeare as well. Reply Monty March 21, 2020 Well, I won’t question your decision to unsubscribe, RM: you obviously feel that it’s the right thing to do. But, before reaching your decision, did you take the time to view the whole range of poetry on offer here at SCP? I fear that you didn’t, ‘coz if you had’ve, you would surely have found that the range of subject-matter is truly eclectic. There are at least ten regular contributors to these pages who’re all high-class poets, offering a range of different subjects; and then maybe another ten who write consistently decent poetry, also on a variety of subjects . . and what’s more, they all write ‘proper’ poetry. So, in answer to your question: this IS a place for classical poetry . . and if you haven’t done so, I urge you to browse through some of the work here from the last few months; you may be pleasantly surprised. More importantly, you’ll hopefully reconsider your decision. It’s not clear to me whether you’re a/ Displeased just because a political poem had appeared on these pages.. or b/ Displeased because this Biden chap is on the ‘same side’ as your own political persuasion, and you took offence to him being ridiculed. But either way politics is a subject, just like nature is a subject. Wherever you look in the world, there’ll be poems on nature and poems on politics. C’est la vie! I myself despise politics, and it never enters even 1% of my life (I don’t even know who this Biden chap is), but I accept that it’s a subject, and as such I accept that poems on that subject will sometimes appear on these pages. In my own ideal world, there wouldn’t be any ‘politics’ poems at SCP, but in the real world.. there is. But I can tell you now, RM: if one were to look at the whole SCP output over the course of a month, or a year, the amount of ‘politics’ poems wouldn’t even amount to 10%: maybe not even 5%. Thus, for you to sack SCP just because you found a ‘politics’ poem, or because that poem promoted the left-wing, and you’re right wing (or vice versa: I don’t know my lefts and rights), that means you’ll be missing-out on the other 90% of goodness that this site has to offer. So I feel that you should remain with SCP, and simply ignore any ‘politics’ poems? That’s what I do. When I spot such a poem, I simply delete it . . and straight on to the next one (the only reason I read the one above is because – not knowing who Biden is – I didn’t realise it was a ‘politics’ poem. That being the case, the poem was obviously lost on me even when I’d finished reading it, so I started reading through the comments to see what I could glean.. and eventually found the words “this arch politician”: only then did I realise that Biden must obviously be an American politician! And then I spotted your comment . . and immediately felt that your decision to leave SCP was a bit over-dramatic. And here I am attempting to talk you out of it . . whether it’s any of my business or not. I doubt if there are ANY American poetry-websites which don’t contain any ‘politics’ poems. In other English-speaking countries, folks typically write poems pertaining to their interests, their outlooks, their hobbies, etc.. which results in poetry covering all aspects of life (for example, in British sites such as ‘Lighten Up Online’, it’s very rare to see a ‘politics’ poem, and I mean ‘very’). But in America, many people’s interests/outlooks/hobbies IS politics! So it stands to reason that a fair amount of poetry from those shores pertains to that subject. Just accept it . . and delete accordingly. (The only other negative is that a poem may sometimes appear here which has literally nothing to do with politics; but some commenters – one usual suspect in particular – will somehow wrangle something political from the poem, just so they can espouse their own agenda in the comments section. One or two others will then jump obsequiously onto the bandwagon, and before you know it the whole of the comment-section will’ve descended into paranoid inanities about the left or right! In such situations, I always feel for the poor author who’s had his innocent poem hijacked by nutters, and is thus afraid to respond to any of the comments. But you’ll soon learn to spot such things; and you’ll soon learn who the usual suspects are; hence you can see straight through it.) There’s so much quality poetry here, and so much to be learnt about poetry from the comments section. Being from the other side of the pond, I’m obviously no expert on North American poetry-sites; but from what I’ve seen, SCP is by far the classiest site on that continent. But on the other hand, if you yourself are as equally infested with politics as some of the aforementioned – but just on the opposite side – then I take all my words back; and you should indeed look for another site which acquiesces with ‘your side’. Reply Jan Darling March 18, 2020 A jolly romp, Susan. I just love the way it swings along until it reaches the last line reminder. I’m sorry that RM lacks both a sense of humour and the wit to respond with a poetic rejoinder. I thoroughly enjoy your work and give daily thanks as I read The Society’s offerings. Reply Susan Jarvis Bryant March 18, 2020 Thank you very much for your appreciation and spot on observations, Jan. I too have great respect and admiration for The Society with its marvelous array of poetry to fire and inspire those with beauty, joy, liberty and curiosity in their souls. Reply Joseph S. Salemi March 18, 2020 It’s a sure bet that RM wouldn’t have made a peep if the poem were an anti-Trump piece, instead of an anti-Biden one. Reply C.B. Anderson March 19, 2020 Joseph, If anyone really wants to read anti-Trump verse, all they have to do is go to LIGHT’s Poems of the Week or to The Asses of Parnassus — that’s just about all you will ever see at those sites. I read them, and sometimes I even laugh. RM seems to have a severe case of constipation of the mind. Susan Jarvis Bryant March 19, 2020 I’m certainly not averse (no pun intended) to writing about Biden’s nemesis – just to even things up a little 😉 All Because of Trump! I’d have turned the other cheek to seek a meeker afternoon, I’d have stalled the on-line brawl with a belligerent buffoon, quit bickering on Twitter with a reckless, feckless loon if it hadn’t been… it hadn’t been for Trump! I’d have wiped the ripe expletives and exclamation marks, refused to tread the thread that mentioned swamps and oligarchs, deleted trite emojis and sarky, snarky larks if it hadn’t been… it hadn’t been for Trump! I’d have shunned the barbed name-calling and snubbed each petty threat, ignored contentious mention of all things Soviet, dodged the raucous ruckus of a cretinous mindset if it hadn’t been… it hadn’t been for Trump! I’d have flicked my cell phone off and given in to sleep. I’d have dipped my night in dreamland and never had a peep at the bleating, biased beckons from undefeated sheep if it hadn’t been… it hadn’t been for Trump! And now I swoon beneath the moon as waves kiss silken sand and stargaze with my sweetheart as we amble hand-in-hand since my fuss-and-cuss discussions on Facebook have been banned all because… yes, all because of Trump! Reply Alan Harris March 19, 2020 Some say the world will end in fire Others say Trump From what Bob Frost and I have tasted of desire We both hold with those who favor fire But if the world should perish twice I think I know enough of hate To say that by destruction…Trump Is also great And would suffice Reply Joseph S. Salemi March 19, 2020 Shakespeare, Sonnet 29, rewritten by Joe Biden When in dementia’s savage grip and vise, I all alone beweep my outcast state, And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries While dreaming I’ll escape Hill Clinton’s fate, Wishing me like to one more rich in hope, Featured like Bernie (though the guy’s possessed), Wishing I wasn’t just a brain-dead dope, A two-bit party hack who is depressed. Yet when I’m lost in self-contempt, despising My fakery and lies and phony speeches, Like to that squaw Liz Warren, hope starts rising: I float on bullshit from the raucous screeches Of mobs of stupid Dems who’ll cast their votes For any slob that’s shoved right down their throats. Reply Susan Jarvis Bryant March 19, 2020 Utterly cutting, bitingly hilarious, and thoroughly inspirational. I hope my humble attempt makes you smile: Joe Biden’s Eyes (not Sonnet 130) Joe Biden’s eyes are nothing like the sun; They’re dim and dark and void of any spark; If lips be sealed, then his have come undone with jargon stark enough to mute a lark. If noses quell their sniffing to a puff Why his, it snorts and snuffles through the locks Of cringing folk who’ve clearly had enough Of nostrils that are far from orthodox. And when some politicians mind their mouth A dog-faced pony soldier trots from his, Then gathers speed and travels further south Until it doesn’t know quite where it is… And yet, by heaven, some seem unaware, This codger is in need of special care. Reply Leave a Reply to James Sale Cancel ReplyYour email address will not be published.CommentName* Email* Website Notify me of follow-up comments by email. Notify me of new posts by email. This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.