Viral Hair Care

After four months untrimmed, my coiffure was ovoid,
Well in tune with Aquarian couture.
I was starting to look just like Christopher Lloyd
In the old movie, “Back to the Future.”

With “The Virus” at large, being kept safe and sound
Led to more than a few disappointments.
Once my town was approved for “Phase 2,” I soon found
That my barber was taking appointments.

I signed up at once for a haircut today,
In the hope that my life would be brighter.
Then I sat with a mask as he pared hair away
And returned home at least three pounds lighter.

Like my hair, I have found that my waist’s also grown.
Trim the fat? No! My barber won’t try it.
So I guess that this means that I’m now on my own
With no choice but to go on a diet.



A Rose is a Rose is a Rose . . .

Like hurricanes, the flu has always had a name.
Like “Spanish,” “Hong Kong,” “London,” Avian,” or “Swine.”
Descriptive of the source from which the outbreak came;
With no intent to imply blame or to malign.

But times have changed, and calling it the “Wuhan Flu,”
Is PC proof that you’re a racist Sinophobe.
Which begs the thought, does “London Flu” imply that you
Are, deep inside, a secret, hateful Anglophobe?

Perhaps Felipe, the King of Spain, will soon demand
That all offensive plaques and tombstones that display
The racist phrase, “The Spanish Flu,” in every land
Should be condemned, defaced, torn down, at once, today!

This verbal nonsense tempts me to suggest that we
Rebrand this latest flu pandemic as “The Xi.”
James A. Tweedie is a recently retired pastor living in Long Beach, Washington. He likes to walk on the beach with his wife. He has written and self-published four novels and a collection of short stories. He has several hundred unpublished poems tucked away in drawers.

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4 Responses

  1. Joe Tessitore

    Good humor (and badly needed) from this and the preceding post.

  2. Peter Hartley

    Or good humour as we might say in Blighty. I’ve grown a beard for only the second time in my life and it’s amazing how they weigh you down, especially if you have two owls and a hen, four larks and a great crested grebe nidificating therein. I may shortly need to undergo radical pogonotomy to enable the resident avifauna to reinstate some sort of ecological balance, but that’s for another day. And with regard to the pinguid corporation I’m in the same boat as you James. By the way a useful word to incorporate in your next poem might be cymbocephalic which means having a head, yes, you’ve guessed it, shaped like a boat; or you could just squeeze it in at the end of line 12 above. I look forward to reading more of your humorous verse.It’s a welcome antidote in these trying times.

    • James A. Tweedie

      And here I thought using “ovoid” and “couture” were pushing the envelope! lol

  3. Susan Jarvis Bryant

    Oh, the hirsute horrors of this hairy virus! You have tapped into them wonderfully with “Viral Hair Care” (great title). I’m thrilled to hear your diet begins with you three pounds better off now your tufts have taken leave. LOL

    “A Rose is a Rose is a Rose…” says everything about politicizing and weaponizing language. Many a true thing is, indeed, said in jest and your closing couplet says it all.

    Thank you for my Wu-Flu smile, Mr. Tweedie.


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