"Apples in a Tin Pan" by Levi Wells Prentice‘An Apple a day’ by Jeff Eardley The Society February 17, 2021 Humor, Poetry 16 Comments . The Internet’s a work of art, Now everybody’s phone is smart. They’re very compact, very small, And so, begins a tale so tall. For once upon a time, a gent, A load of cash one day he spent. Delighted now, he was to own, A brand new, shiny Apple phone. It truly was his heart’s delight, He never let it from his sight. But things would change within a week, That night he went to take a leak. For as he closed the bathroom door, And placed his feet upon the floor. His fancy phone did start to roll, And wound up in the toilet bowl. He plunged his hand inside to get, The phone, which now was soaking wet. But all his apps had disappeared, His phone was weeping tiny tears. A neighbour then dispensed advice, “Just stick it in a bag of rice. Your phone will de-humidify, And very soon will be bone dry.” So, courtesy of Uncle Ben, He did as he was told, and then. Inside a cupboard, there it sat, The battery slowly going flat. That very night, while sound asleep, a burglar to his room did creep So quick and nimble on his feet, He rummaged round for things to eat. A hearty meal he was in need, To get back to his lair and feed. He saw some rice, a nice big bag, And placed it with his other swag. He fancied something nice and hot, He boiled the rice and scoffed the lot. The phone, which in the rice was put, It slithered down the burglar’s gut. So now he often tells the tale, Whilst supping on his pint of ale. That crime itself will always pay, Just eat an Apple every day! . . Jeff Eardley lives in the heart of England near to the Peak District National Park and is a local musician playing guitar, mandolin and piano steeped in the music of America, including the likes of Ry Cooder, Paul Simon and particularly Hank Williams. 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Share this:Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)Click to print (Opens in new window)Click to share on LinkedIn (Opens in new window)Click to share on WhatsApp (Opens in new window)Click to email this to a friend (Opens in new window)Click to share on Pinterest (Opens in new window) 16 Responses Paul Freeman February 17, 2021 This educational tale of woe Went not where I thought it would go; The gent would have had much more fun With home alarm and twelve bore gun. Thanks for the read, Jeff. I’m still grinning like an idiot. Reply Jeff Eardley February 17, 2021 Thanks Paul for your lovely poetic response to this piece of nonsense. It is much appreciated. Reply Ann Mitchell February 17, 2021 This was excellent Jeff!!! Reply Jeff Eardley February 17, 2021 Thanks Ann, best wishes to you. Reply Margaret Coats February 17, 2021 Jeff, you’re a strumming comedian as well as a musician. Just imagine what a wealth of amusement in verse you might have by the time you’re free to entertain in person again! Reply Jeff Eardley February 17, 2021 Margaret, sadly all music activities over here came to a grinding halt last March. The many nights in busy pubs and restaurants with fellow musicians were so much fun and I miss them terribly. Thank you for your kind comment and for all your highly informative submissions on SCP. Reply David Watt February 18, 2021 Thanks Jeff for a tale well told. I have heard that phones accidentally falling into toilet bowls are prone to gaining unwanted Wii apps. Reply Jeff Eardley February 18, 2021 David, as that great icon of Australian culture, Les Patterson, would have said, “Be very careful when pointing Percy at the porcelain” Thanks for your kind comment. Reply Peter Hartley February 18, 2021 Jeff – Sorry I’m a bit late finding this one, a salutary tale to rival the fables of Æsop, only BETTER. A great pity, though that the burglar’s taste buds hadn’t also been titillated by the collateral prize of a number two. Jeff Eardley February 18, 2021 Peter, thank you for a delightful mental image. I suppose the burglar could have been undecided on what to purloin and ended up caught between two stools. However, today my thoughts are with Susan and Mike shivering in faraway Texas. Thanks for your interest and I look forward to your next submission which is taking far too long. Reply Mike Bryant February 18, 2021 Jeff… we’re almost out of the woods here in South Texas. The wind turbines have thawed out, the water service has been restored and now we just have to drain the gas out of the generator, roll up the extension cords and get back to our glorious normal lives. Only two more nights of freezing temps, but it looks good. We’re pulling for you and all our friends in Old Blighty to get back to normal too. God bless Texas and Long live the Queen! Reply Jeff Eardley February 18, 2021 Great news Mike, we know that this storm has caused tremendous hardship. I hope the humming bird doesn’t invite his pals round for a party, and I’ll tell Tex Gritter to stay put. I predict a maelstrom of Winter poetry cascading onto the SCP. Best wishes and go steady on the Pinot More. Susan Jarvis Bryant February 18, 2021 Jeff, I love this, especially the line; “courtesy of Uncle Ben” – priceless. That old adage; “an apple a day” now holds a completely different meaning, and I thank you for the snigger! This poem has warmed me to the core! Reply Jeff Eardley February 18, 2021 Thanks Susan for your kind words and looks like you could be steaming again by the weekend. I have told Tex Gritter to hold fire, along with his pals, Freezy Rider, Thaw Enforcement, William Wilberfrost and my favourite, Itsy Bitsy Teeney Weeney Yellow Anti-Slip Machiney. Reply Jeff Kemper February 19, 2021 A very nice, as you called it, “piece of nonsense.” We need humor like this to endure the political nonsense here in the U.S. Thanks for the laughs! Reply Jeff Eardley February 20, 2021 Jeff, thanks for your kind words. How right you are about political nonsense. We have had decades of it over here. Best wishes my friend. Reply Leave a Reply Cancel ReplyYour email address will not be published.CommentName* Email* Website Notify me of follow-up comments by email. Notify me of new posts by email. This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.