.

The Internet’s a work of art,
Now everybody’s phone is smart.
They’re very compact, very small,
And so, begins a tale so tall.

For once upon a time, a gent,
A load of cash one day he spent.
Delighted now, he was to own,
A brand new, shiny Apple phone.

It truly was his heart’s delight,
He never let it from his sight.
But things would change within a week,
That night he went to take a leak.

For as he closed the bathroom door,
And placed his feet upon the floor.
His fancy phone did start to roll,
And wound up in the toilet bowl.

He plunged his hand inside to get,
The phone, which now was soaking wet.
But all his apps had disappeared,
His phone was weeping tiny tears.

A neighbour then dispensed advice,
“Just stick it in a bag of rice.
Your phone will de-humidify,
And very soon will be bone dry.”

So, courtesy of Uncle Ben,
He did as he was told, and then.
Inside a cupboard, there it sat,
The battery slowly going flat.

That very night, while sound asleep,
a burglar to his room did creep
So quick and nimble on his feet,
He rummaged round for things to eat.

A hearty meal he was in need,
To get back to his lair and feed.
He saw some rice, a nice big bag,
And placed it with his other swag.

He fancied something nice and hot,
He boiled the rice and scoffed the lot.
The phone, which in the rice was put,
It slithered down the burglar’s gut.

So now he often tells the tale,
Whilst supping on his pint of ale.
That crime itself will always pay,
Just eat an Apple every day!

.

.

Jeff Eardley lives in the heart of England near to the Peak District National Park and is a local musician playing guitar, mandolin and piano steeped in the music of America, including the likes of Ry Cooder, Paul Simon and particularly Hank Williams.

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16 Responses

  1. Paul Freeman

    This educational tale of woe
    Went not where I thought it would go;
    The gent would have had much more fun
    With home alarm and twelve bore gun.

    Thanks for the read, Jeff. I’m still grinning like an idiot.

    Reply
    • Jeff Eardley

      Thanks Paul for your lovely poetic response to this piece of nonsense. It is much appreciated.

      Reply
  3. Margaret Coats

    Jeff, you’re a strumming comedian as well as a musician. Just imagine what a wealth of amusement in verse you might have by the time you’re free to entertain in person again!

    Reply
  4. Jeff Eardley

    Margaret, sadly all music activities over here came to a grinding halt last March. The many nights in busy pubs and restaurants with fellow musicians were so much fun and I miss them terribly. Thank you for your kind comment and for all your highly informative submissions on SCP.

    Reply
  5. David Watt

    Thanks Jeff for a tale well told. I have heard that phones accidentally falling into toilet bowls are prone to gaining unwanted Wii apps.

    Reply
    • Jeff Eardley

      David, as that great icon of Australian culture, Les Patterson, would have said, “Be very careful when pointing Percy at the porcelain”
      Thanks for your kind comment.

      Reply
      • Peter Hartley

        Jeff – Sorry I’m a bit late finding this one, a salutary tale to rival the fables of Æsop, only BETTER. A great pity, though that the burglar’s taste buds hadn’t also been titillated by the collateral prize of a number two.

  6. Jeff Eardley

    Peter, thank you for a delightful mental image. I suppose the burglar could have been undecided on what to purloin and ended up caught between two stools. However, today my thoughts are with Susan and Mike shivering in faraway Texas.
    Thanks for your interest and I look forward to your next submission which is taking far too long.

    Reply
    • Mike Bryant

      Jeff… we’re almost out of the woods here in South Texas. The wind turbines have thawed out, the water service has been restored and now we just have to drain the gas out of the generator, roll up the extension cords and get back to our glorious normal lives. Only two more nights of freezing temps, but it looks good. We’re pulling for you and all our friends in Old Blighty to get back to normal too. God bless Texas and Long live the Queen!

      Reply
      • Jeff Eardley

        Great news Mike, we know that this storm has caused tremendous hardship. I hope the humming bird doesn’t invite his pals round for a party, and I’ll tell Tex Gritter to stay put. I predict a maelstrom of Winter poetry cascading onto the SCP. Best wishes and go steady on the Pinot More.

  7. Susan Jarvis Bryant

    Jeff, I love this, especially the line; “courtesy of Uncle Ben” – priceless. That old adage; “an apple a day” now holds a completely different meaning, and I thank you for the snigger! This poem has warmed me to the core!

    Reply
    • Jeff Eardley

      Thanks Susan for your kind words and looks like you could be steaming again by the weekend. I have told Tex Gritter to hold fire, along with his pals, Freezy Rider, Thaw Enforcement, William Wilberfrost and my favourite, Itsy Bitsy Teeney Weeney Yellow Anti-Slip Machiney.

      Reply
  8. Jeff Kemper

    A very nice, as you called it, “piece of nonsense.” We need humor like this to endure the political nonsense here in the U.S. Thanks for the laughs!

    Reply
  9. Jeff Eardley

    Jeff, thanks for your kind words. How right you are about political nonsense. We have had decades of it over here. Best wishes my friend.

    Reply

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