Dillard “Sparky” Barker
Is a Doc at CDC.
He’s announced a market-
Driven cure for you and me.

Helicaps—not beanies
Are the answer to our prayers.
The downward blowing breezes
Now defeat all virus scares.

The proof is unequivocal,
The science has been settled.
And now, it’s not that difficult,
It’s time to prove your mettle.

So, get in line and buy your cap,
And wear it all the time.
Don’t hesitate, don’t be a sap.
Resistance is a crime.

Of course, you will still need your mask,
And two jabs, then some more.
Yes, staying safe’s your only task,
While locked behind your door.



Mike Bryant is a poet and retired plumber living on the Gulf Coast of Texas.

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The Society of Classical Poets does not endorse any views expressed in individual poems or commentary.

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37 Responses

  1. Mike Bryant

    From the dis Associated Press
    April 13, 2021
    CDC: New Guidance
    Dr. Dillard “Sparky” Barker of the CDC has just announced that the N-97 Helicap has been shown to be 99.7% effective in preventing the spread of the Covid-19 virus, all existing and potential variants, and all other airborne diseases. Seventeen studies have demonstrated its effectiveness in every real-world situation. This medical device will be produced in factories world-wide starting immediately. The CDC will be issuing orders for everyone in the USA to procure enough of these life savers for their entire family. Each Helicap requires two EE batteries to run the fan that pushes the virus toward the ground. Make sure you have plenty of batteries.
    Dr. Barker said, “It’s like having a cone of protection, an energy shield, if you will, all around you! And now we are working on a solar powered unit with an anticipated lifetime of twenty-five years. The monthly payments should be quite manageable.”
    Some behavioral scientists believe there will be ancillary benefits, including a drop in birth rate.
    Do your part to keep America safe!

    Warning: Some manufacturers are producing the Helicaps with a ‘brim’ on the front which reduces the effectiveness to only 99.4%.

      • Mike Bryant

        Joe, the clown shoes are required for the solar panels and the battery back-up. I know you were just joking, but the shoes ARE in the works!
        There’s also a red nose that has a handy warning light to warn you when the batteries are running low.
        Today only, if you pre-order the entire bundle, you’re entitled to a 20% discount AND they’ll throw in a set of Ginsu Knives at no additional charge!
        Just call 1-888-COVID-BOZO
        They have operators standing by!

  2. Joseph S. Salemi

    I swear, you just CAN’T MAKE THIS STUFF UP! The people in charge are simply out-and-out lunatics.

    • Mike Bryant

      You really can’t make it up, Joe. But they sure can. I’m hoping I’m wrong about the masks being required even while we’re wearing the Helicap. I’m dreaming of a world of free people all wearing this wonderful new technology!

  3. Mike Bryant

    “The N-97 Helicap had been meticulously tested even before the launching of the peer-reviewed studies phase. The shape of the fan base, twenty-three major head shapes, and, most critically, all possibilities and iterations of blade design were evaluated by artificial intelligence algorithms for six months before the most promising designs were tested at the Alamogordo Wind Tunnel Facility. No expense was spared. Do NOT question the science. We now have another weapon in our ever-growing arsenal in this battle against Covid.” – Dr. Dillard Rupert Barker

      • Mike Bryant

        That is quite possible. The copy button doesn’t work on my iPad, so I may have misspelled it.

  4. Mike Bryant

    CDC: Update
    The official designation of the life saving medical device is N-97 Helicap. Dr. Sparky Barker has been reassigned. All websites are hereby directed to change the designation from “xxxxxxxxx xxxxxx” to “Helicap” immediately or severe penalties will be imposed.

  5. Jeff Eardley

    Mike, just wondering if he puts the batteries in the wrong way round, will his head take off?
    This is worthy of Monty Python.
    Thanks for a much needed dose of silliness in these dark days.

    • Mike Bryant

      Jeff, if you put the batteries in backwards an ear-piercing alarm will ensue. These Helicaps have been designed to be idiot-proof for the prevention of disease only. Boris will mandate these in the UK soon. You’re next. Don’t worry, they are very light and quite lovely.

      • Jeff Eardley

        Mike/Susan, we Brits now have access to free COVID test kits, manufactured in…wait for it…Haicang District, Xiamen City, Fujian Province PRC. Perhaps the Helicap idea is not so bizarre after all.

      • Mike Bryant

        Jeff, I don’t know what took me so long to figure this out, but if you COULD put the batteries in backwards the thrust would push you feet first into the ground. I suppose the depth would depend on soil type and battery reserves.
        Under perfect conditions, the Helicap could end up back in China where it started.

  6. C.B. Anderson

    Mike, I’ve already ordered mine; it will look great over my tinfoil hat. I loved the slant rhymes, by the way. It’s not all that easy to come up with good ones. Sometimes deliberate imperfection is harder than perfection. Ask your wife; she’ll tell you the same thing.

    • Mike Bryant

      C. B. I am glad that you are not a Helicap-phobe.
      Imperfection may be difficult for some, but I have a knack for it.

    • Mike Bryant

      The wave has already begun. I saw three people in Walmart wearing the lifesaving Helicap today. I sincerely hope and pray that it does not become as controversial as the mask.

  7. Susan Jarvis Bryant

    Mike, these Helicaps are so stylish… and to think they will save even more lives than we’re saving already… it’s a win, win! I hope we don’t have to treat them like underwear – hospitals are already under strain.

    • Mike Bryant

      Wait till you see the ones I ordered! I figured we’d need about as many Helicaps as we have masks, so I ordered three dozen. Don’t worry about the expense, I put it on the card.

  8. Yael

    Fabulous! Where can I get one? Is the thrust force of the blades adjustable?
    Looks like the wave of the future to me. Oh and I do really like the poem too.

    • Mike Bryant

      Yael, the adjustable thrusters are available at an additional charge.

  9. Sally Cook

    Dear Susan and Mike —
    As usual, I am lagging and lollygagging behind the rest of you forward thinkers.
    But seriously, I have a question. What of the others; I mean those of us who don’t like wearing hats? Though this may seem to be a non sequitur, (and though I myself own a 100 year old hat which I wear at funerals) — well, it’s now a 125 year old hat as I bought it 25 years ago…) but enough about me. Consider my gardening girl, who wears a hat 24/7, all year round. This is because she details cars for a living and doesn’t want effluvia ruffling her tresses – another irrelevancy; please forgive. I seem to have forgotten where and who I am.
    Actually, I am quite ageless; can
    remember wearing those silly medieval cone hats. Geenalogy is so much fun !
    Ta Ta –
    The Dame

    • Mike Bryant

      Sally, thanks for the comment. Technology has stepped in for those who don’t like to wear hats. There is a drone/quadcopter available that is programmed to hover inches over your head and follow you around all day. The battery pack is shoulder mounted with a discrete wire connected to the drone.
      The drones can be equipped with various “skins.” My favorite is the Dark Cloud skin so you can identify with Joe Btfsplk!

      • Sally

        Mike, thanks much for looking into this for me. What heli-skin would you recommend for me? I know the “dark cloud” skin was your initial choice, but Mike, I already have one and hardly think I need two! How about a halo?
        Don’t know how deep you are into the RI&D of this technology, but have my suspicions. I would like to suggest a battery implant. Does that have any practical characteristics?
        Thanks for your consideration.
        VERY Sincerely —

      • Mike Bryant

        Sally, a battery implant is an inspired idea. Susan has a bird table above the blades, sprinkled with seed. Below the table is the Fluffy Cloud skin with the optional crepuscular rays. Of course the sky is the limit and the manufacturer is willing to undertake commissions. I think you should go with the Halo with the optional full-motion Cherubs.

  10. David Watt

    Mike, I would buy one of these stylish contraptions, but I worry that the blades would spin backwards in the Southern Hemisphere. Then the pesky
    91 DIVOC germs would blow upward. I’ll wait for a fully tested and endorsed modified version.

    • Mike Bryant

      David, just go to PAC-ILEH.AU – Make sure you get the bundle deal…

  11. Sally Cook

    Mike and Susan —
    Is that our George modeling the MouserEnhancementOverheadWindDrivenElevatedRover (MEOWER)? Wondrous achievement ! Don’t keep him under wraps — everyone but Joe Salemi will want to see this ! I am ordering one for my friend Whitey which I will trade for the socks he stole last week..

    By the way, have you .determined the ideal spot for insertion of those heli-cap batteries? It’s little details like this that make the difference between success and failure of a product ! Perhaps some governors could be persuaded to suggest the
    heli-cap to their loyal subjects?

  12. Mike Bryant

    Sally, I’ve been thinking about the perfect placement for the intra-body batteries. It seems that some people might have plenty of extra room in their chest cavity, while others might have it in their cranium. I’m afraid that no one who frequents this site could have either of those deficiencies, so we’re all stuck with the battery pack.
    As for certain governors… they have the perfect place to insert the extra large battery pack.

  13. Igor

    I hate to tell y’all, but I’ve had a Heli-CAP since 1984. It has a brim for avoiding excess solar exposure to my nose.

    It works splendiferously.

    • Mike Bryant

      Igor, I’m quite sure that yours is not the AI tested, peer-review studied, CDC required, Dr. Sparky Barker endorsed, genuine, lifesaving article. But if it’s keeping you from getting Covid, then, yes indeedy, it is splendiferous.

  14. Margaret Coats

    Mike, while the poem is good, it’s just a well versified news item compared to the PERFORMANCE in these comments. You deserve a standing ovation, and I’m glad to see it in the “Trending” column.

    • Mike Bryant

      Thanks Margaret, I feel it’s my civic duty to keep everyone here at the Society informed about the stellar service we all receive from our servants at the CDC!

  15. Robert James Liguori

    Am I going to get yelled at for not wearing my heli-cap now? I’m harassed enough for lowering my mask, where I always reply, ‘the virus is fake’.


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