.

She started her Pilates class,
Upon the Internet.
The city was in lockdown,
So, she knew, some work she’d get.
She started on her webpage,
Working hard into the night.
She knew it wasn’t easy,
So, she had to get it right.

But she wasn’t good at spelling,
As her friends had often said.
For ‘though she was a clever girl,
She wasn’t widely read.
A small but such a big mistake,
She should have typed “PILATES.”
But got her “L’s” and “R’s” mixed up
And ended up with “PIRATES.”

She got to bed at midnight,
With her laptop stashed away.
To dream about the customers,
That soon would come her way.
Then logging on with relish,
At the rising of the sun.
Her Inbox it was bulging,
She was having loads of fun.

But on her screen were lots of guys,
With faces to be feared.
All brandishing their cutlasses,
And dribbling in their beards.
From Peg Leg Pete to Cut-Throat Jake,
With scars from ear to ear.
A Dead Man’s Chest with fifteen men,
Their bellies full of beer.

She knew she’d started something,
The Pilates was no more.
She had a different mission now,
Her income was secure.
The 19th of September,
Is the time, or so they say,
When Timbers all get shivered.
Check it out, “WORLD PIRATE DAY.”

.

.

Jeff Eardley lives in the heart of England near to the Peak District National Park and is a local musician playing guitar, mandolin and piano steeped in the music of America, including the likes of Ry Cooder, Paul Simon, and particularly Hank Williams.


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14 Responses

  1. Julian D. Woodruff

    “Loads of fun,” Mr. Eardley, although I frequently scratch my head over how piracy was and is romanticized. Btw, just last night I happened to be thinking of Jesus before Pilate, then quickly passed on to Gilbert’s wonderful pirate-pilot nonsense.

    Reply
    • Jeff Eardley

      Mr Woodruff, thanks for the comment. It is amazing that these cut-throat brigands ever made it to the movie screen in the first place. I think Mr Disney has a lot to answer for,

      Reply
      • Julian D. Woodruff

        I agree that Disney (the company) has much to answer for, and the list grows. But considering the train– including Bellini, Stevenson, Cole Porter, and folk ballads like “Henry Martin”–I think Disney, the individual (albeit far more influential), was just climbing aboard.

  2. Paul Freeman

    Q:How do pirates know that they are pirates?
    A: They think, therefore they ARRRR!!!!!

    Thanks for the lockdown laughter, Jeff. And if I may:

    Q: What happened when Bluebeard fell overboard in the Red Sea?
    A: He got marooned.

    Reply
  3. Jeff Eardley

    Paul, thanks for the comment and the two dreadful jokes which I will re-cycle whenever the opportunity arises. I think all this “Ooh Arr Jim lad” stuff started in the 1950 film version of “Treasure Island” featuring the great Robert Newton. He would have been horrified at the decimalised parrot squawking “Pieces of Ten”

    Reply
  4. Joe Tessitore

    “Loads of fun” indeed, and any friend of Hank Williams is a friend of mine.

    Reply
  5. Susan Jarvis Bryant

    Aaaarrrrrr, Jeff, me old matey… what a wonderful poetic antidote to all the woes of the world. This fun poem romps along at a sniggering pace and I especially like the vivid description of that scarred, beard-dribbling, timber-shivering crew. I will never think of a Pilates class in the same light. Thank you for my Monday grin, which is very rare on a Monday.

    I simply have to join in with a groaner of a pirate joke – be warned!
    A blind pirate goes into a bar. The bartender shouts, “No parrots allowed!” The pirate informs him, “This is no ordinary parrot, it’s a guide parrot!” The bartender says, “Guide parrot? I thought only dogs were up for that job!” “Well, shiver me timbers! Do you know how hard it is to get one of those to balance on your shoulder?!”
    Ouch!

    Reply
  6. Jeff Eardley

    Avast there Susan and thanks for the great joke. Hope you can splice the mainbrace when the sun is over the yard-arm, and watch out for the Black Spot and any jokes about balls and brass monkeys. By the way, one of my friends has a grandson called Jack Sparrow.

    Reply
  7. Dave Hei Opep p.p má

    We need light entertainment right now, so thanks for this piece!

    Reply
  8. Dave Whippman

    Sorry Jeff , the above comment is from me. The weird name is some glitch on my kindle.

    Reply
  9. Jeff Eardley

    Dave, your Kindle glitch name has a definite hint of the Hawaiian about it. I would keep it for future entries. Thank you for giving me a good laugh too.

    Reply
    • Dave Whippman

      You’re welcome Jeff. I guess having a Hawaiian nom de plume in reserve could be useful!

      Reply
      • Jeff Eardley

        I agree Dave. I would also recommend checking out a song by American John Prine, “Let’s talk dirty in Hawaiian” which is hilarious.

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