Her name was Tatyana she had eyes of steely blue,
She seemed the sort of girl from whom you’d learn a thing or two.
So ample in the bosom and so slender in the hips,
And every man she came across would sigh and smack his lips.

The sunny Isle of Tenerife was where she built her lair,
With loads of wealthy gentlemen, she knew she could ensnare.
As one by one they came to her, their wallets syphoned dry,
Not one of them had figured that this lady was a spy.

One night whilst in a Tapas bar, a gentleman appeared,
An agent of the F.B.I. with baseball cap and beard.
He asked her for a dance and she consented right away.
As on the steamy dance-floor they began to swing and sway.

But then she pulled him closer as she whispered in his ear,
And told him that she was the sort that men like him should fear.
“You really mustn’t tangle with a Russian doll like me,
My office is in Leningrad, I work for K.G.B.”

It only took a little prick and then the job was done,
A tiny dart of Novichok she jabbed into his bum.
He started foaming from the mouth, his body wracked with pain,
While Tatyana vanished and was never seen again.

A Spanish doctor saved him with his trusty doctor’s knife,
And pumped him full of antidote to bring him back to life.
“Now I must see your credit card” the doctor he did say,
“My practice here is private, I’m afraid you’ll have to pay.”

The lesson from this sorry tale is there for all to see,
You’ll end up with a broken heart, with pain and misery.
So please avoid those Russian girls, for sure t’would be a farce,
To wind up with a hefty bill, and a needle in the arse.



Jeff Eardley lives in the heart of England near to the Peak District National Park and is a local musician playing guitar, mandolin and piano steeped in the music of America, including the likes of Ry Cooder, Paul Simon, and particularly Hank Williams.

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12 Responses

  1. Paul Freeman

    We’ve all been there.

    A very amusing rump, er, romp, Jeff.

    I was a bit confused though, as to why she blew her cover, unless Mr FBI was after her.

    • Jeff Eardley

      Paul, thanks for your kind words. Yes, she blew her cover, disappeared for a few years and now works for the enlightened cauldron of free speech that is Belarus.

  2. Elizabeth

    Great Poem Jeff! I needed a smile this morning and the ending of your poem supplied it. Thank you.

    • Jeff Eardley

      Elizabeth, the thought of making you smile has made me do likewise. Thanks for your comment.

  3. Susan Jarvis Bryant

    I love the allure of the alliterative title, and the ensuing hilarity is a bumper poetic bonus – thank you, Jeff!

  4. Jeff Eardley

    Thanks Susan. As the current horror story unfolds in Belarus, I guess Tatyana will always find gainful employment. Who knows, possibly the next Eurovision entry.

  5. C.B. Anderson

    Eh, hold on a minute, Jeff. In the very first line you need some punctuation after “Tatyana” because the first and the second half are independent sentences. Didn’t they teach you this in high school? In stanza 6, line three you write “the doctor he did say.” This grammatical infelicity just shows that this poem is not to be taken seriously — light verse, in other words, which was likely your intention all along. It’s kind of funny, overall, but I don’t have to strain to hold my sides in.

  6. Jeff Eardley

    CB, I am deeply humbled that you have taken the time to comment. You are right about my lack of punctuation which I attribute to my high school being much too focused on engineering, maths and science and other useful skills, to worry about the odd comma here and there. I make no claim to be a poet and light verse probably sums up my efforts at getting words to interact with each other. I am pleased that your sides are intact. Any other outcome would have caused me much distress, and thank you for the expression, “grammatical infelicity” which I will be using whenever the opportunity arises. Best wishes.

  7. Dave Whippman

    Really enjoyable poem (except by the FBI guy); absorbing and unpretentious.

  8. Jeff Eardley

    Thanks Dave and apologies for any grammatical infelicity.


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