Photo of Garrison KeillorA Garrison Keillor Satire and Other Poetry by Julian Woodruff The Society July 28, 2021 Culture, Humor, Poetry 6 Comments . Guilty, Guilty, Guilty! That most sagacious Mr. K*Told listeners: “Back in the day—‘The Enlightenment,’ they call it; haw,No way! ‘Twas filled with moral flawBeside which our few failings pale.Yes, they’d put people up for sale!Take Washington, the so-called FatherOf Our Country. We should ratherRemember him not as a founderOf the U.S., but as a bounder.This hypocrite professed to beAn advocate of liberty,Yet he owned slaves! The utter sham!Really, why should we give a damnAbout the man?” Would it be fairTo fail to cite the Delaware,Or Valley Forge, where he near froze,With all his soldiers, head to toes,To vouchsafe independence? Yes!Feigned valor hid a moral mess! This country’s so–called RevolutionServed to safeguard an institution We know was wrong. And furthermore,Old George was white down to his core— That blighted sort, they’re bigots all: They answer to the racist call.This truth we citizens can gleanFrom books that show 1619To be the dreadful date from which The poor became the slaves of richLandowners, all of whom were white,A fact old textbooks fail to cite. Hooray for us! We’ve made our wayToward the dawn of a new day.We know who’s good and who is not,We see the battle to be fought.All black is good and white is bad;But we’ll improve things, so be glad.We’ll justice serve, and to the letter:Black will be good, and white … well, better. . *Garrison Keillor, on a broadcast toward the end of the run of A Prairie Home Companion. . . Judge Not No wonder people say, “You shouldn’t judge.”They’re all afraid that insufficient fudgeWill be applied to them when their turn comes,And even sweat the impressions of their chums. Take me. One time I sought a referenceNote from a teacher, and in consequenceHe readily complied. With kindly eyesHe later said, “I tried to emphasizeYour good points.” A bit later came the timeMy love and I at last got off the dimeAnd, thinking I’d betrayed no glaring flaw, Besought the blessing of her pa and ma. Said she, “That’s fine and dandy! He won’t stray”(A sage prediction, valid through this day).So I, like many, wonder: at the gatesOf heaven’s harbor what judgment awaits?Might not the Lord say, “Come to think of it,Heaven and you are not the greatest fit.” . . Julian D. Woodruff, who contributes poetry frequently to the Society of Classical Poets, writes poetry and short fiction for children and adults. He recently finished 2020-2021, a poetry collection. A selection of his work can be read at Parody Poetry, Lighten Up Online, Carmina Magazine, and Reedsy. NOTE: The Society considers this page, where your poetry resides, to be your residence as well, where you may invite family, friends, and others to visit. Feel free to treat this page as your home and remove anyone here who disrespects you. Simply send an email to firstname.lastname@example.org. Put “Remove Comment” in the subject line and list which comments you would like removed. The Society does not endorse any views expressed in individual poems or comments and reserves the right to remove any comments to maintain the decorum of this website and the integrity of the Society. Please see our Comments Policy here. Share this:Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)Click to print (Opens in new window)Click to share on LinkedIn (Opens in new window)Click to share on WhatsApp (Opens in new window)Click to email this to a friend (Opens in new window)Click to share on Pinterest (Opens in new window) 6 Responses Paul Freeman July 28, 2021 You can’t beat true satire. I thought Guilty x 3 was very funny. Er, so if you could just incorporate my four lines to make it well, better…. How come George is known for good, with gnashers made of polished wood, who unenvironmentally, is praised for cutting down a tree? With Judge Not, the staggered enjambment staggered the humour just right. It’s all about…. ….timing. Thanks for making my day, Julian. Reply Jess Sleight July 28, 2021 And good and bad is woven in a crazy plaid…d Parker Reply Brian Yapko July 28, 2021 Julian, both of these are very enjoy enjoyable poems, both of which employ a light and witty tone — almost Gilbertian — while tackling very deep subject matter. Your “Guilty” poem certainly pushes all of my buttons on the issue of cancelling history and the frankly despicable practice of judging people from a different century by standards that have existed for less than ten years. Washington was human with all of the imperfection that implies and yet he accomplished great things. Historical context matters. By misappropriating history, woke culture is treading on very dangerous ground. I also greatly enjoyed your “Judge Not” poem which really brings home the idea of “judge not lest ye be judged” in a very tangible way. Thank you for a most enjoyable morning read. Reply Joseph S. Salemi July 28, 2021 Keillor was always a time-serving jackass, who tailored what he said to fit in with the current left-liberal pieties and prejudices. The fact that the man was in some ways considered the popular face of American poetry is a symptom of how low our art has sunk in the public mind. Reply Julian D. Woodruff July 28, 2021 Thanks for reading, gentlemen. Paul, the title is borrowed from a children’s geography game, Where in the World is Carmen San Diego? When this villainess was apprehended in the course of the game, one outcome was the judge’s pronouncement of sentence, “Guilty, guilty, guilty–I love that word!” Your clever little poem is definitely wood for thought. Brian, your observations on decontextualization approaching are right on the money. Joe, I admit that I enjoyed K’s Woebegone yarns & thought as a singer he showed promise. I never got to know his poetry–for the best, you’ve convinced me. Reply Julian D. Woodruff July 28, 2021 Sorry: decontextualization in approaching history … Reply Leave a Reply Cancel ReplyYour email address will not be published.CommentName* Email* Website Notify me of follow-up comments by email. Notify me of new posts by email. This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.