Biden Has an Accident at the Vatican

Ubi Petrus, ibi Ecclesia: Where Peter is, there is the Church.
Ubi Bergoglius, ibi merda: Where Bergoglio is, there is excrement.

I came to see the Pontiff. He is a head of state.
The Vatican is tiny but it has a lot of weight.
I have to make these visits. They’re just part of the job,
No matter if the ruler is a tyrant or a slob.
I came into the chamber, where audiences stand,
And hoped that everything would go exactly as was planned.

I wondered for a moment—Benedict, or Paul?
My aide then whispered Francis—but you don’t say that at all!
His title’s Holy Father. That’s all you need to know.
Just smile and make some chitchat for an hour, then we’ll go.
“That’s fine with me,” I answered. I walked up to the Pope.
(The rumors at the White House are he’s something of a dope.)

He raised his hand in blessing. But then I felt an urge.
My bowels were on fire and there was a sudden surge
That ran right through my innards, like sprinters in a race,
And in a flash I shat my pants in noisome, foul disgrace!
My aide made some excuses. The Pope looked out of sorts.
They took me to a restroom where I changed my jockey shorts.



Joseph S. Salemi has published five books of poetry, and his poems, translations and scholarly articles have appeared in over one hundred publications world-wide.  He is the editor of the literary magazine Trinacria and writes for Expansive Poetry On-line. He teaches in the Department of Humanities at New York University and in the Department of Classical Languages at Hunter College.

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15 Responses

  1. Mike Bryant

    Joe S, absolutely hilarious!
    Do you know how Biden survived the embarrassment?


  2. Joseph S. Salemi

    Mainstream Media is keeping their lips buttoned about the whole thing, as they do with everything that might embarrass Biden. But sources in Rome tell me that everyone there knows what happened, since soldiers in the Papal Swiss Guard were laughing about the incident.

    • Susan Jarvis Bryant

      I’m absolutely certain that the soldiers in the Papal Swiss Guard are trained to smell a rat in the Vatican… and boy did they smell one that day!

    • Mike Bryant

      Joe S. I don’t know who your source is… here’s mine:


      I happen to know that the gentleman to Biden’s left has asked Biden to move much further to the right. In that, he is in agreement with most Americans.

      The Guardian Gazette had the story:


      Oops… they must have removed it… they did, however, cover his residential gas.

      • Paul Freeman

        I hate to get in the way of all the gleefulness at mocking an old man who may or may not have dementia, but is ‘We Love Trump’ a reliable source?

      • Joseph S. Salemi

        Paul, no one is gleefully mocking an old man’s debilities per se. We are mocking the truly ridiculous spectacle of an incompetent hack (seated in a fraudulent and rigged election) serving as the representative of the United States.

        You don’t trust the sources that Mike Bryant names? My source was not just public media, but also personal friends in the Trastevere district of Rome, who said that all of the city was in fits of laughter after the story (vouched for by Swiss Guards) came out. Everyone was joking about Biden’s “piritu giummu” (dialect for this kind of intestinal faux pas).

        But you, of course, only trust Mainstream Media for everything. Your sacrosanct BBC (run by leftists and Labourites) is without doubt unbigoted.

      • Mike Bryant

        Joe, Paul is lost in the haze of worldwide propaganda. No ‘reliable’ journalist would dare do the research necessary to write an article, and no ‘reliable’ source would publicize the article if he did. Paul must believe the narrative. The truth is under everyone’s nose… which is pretty disgusting to say the least.
        By the way, don’t expect a reply from Paul.

    • Sally Cook

      Unfortunateoy, this is true. This is living proof that truth is stranger than fiction, As if we needed any.

  3. David Watt

    Joe S., I haven’t smelt a whiff of this incident in the Australian media. Thanks for bringing this to my attention, and mostly for giving me a hearty laugh.

    • Joseph S. Salemi

      I’m glad you liked it, David. Mainstream Media in Australia is even more strangulated by leftist control than it is here in North America.

  4. C.B. Anderson

    Your naughtiness, Joseph, is beyond the pale, but I know how you live with yourself: you press on, regardless of the flak, and you never sacrifice accuracy for mere politesse.

    • Joseph S. Salemi

      Thank you, Kip. All of us who maintain sanity and honesty are now considered “beyond the pale” by the left-liberal scum who currently tyrannize us.


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