. Aromatherapy This tale concerns an English Lass, Who signed up for an evening class, “There’s money to be made” said she, “I’ll try Aromatherapy.” So, every Winter, Wednesday nights, She headed for the city lights. Where on the back seat of her car, Were many bottles, tubes and jars. And so, an expert she became, With many letters by her name. She set up practice in the square, Where customers she could ensnare. The first to enter was a man, So tall and thin, and pale and wan. “Now do you have some oil” he said “To grow the hair upon my head?” She said this was his lucky day, No fees to her he’d have to pay. “My services, today are free, I’ll do my very best for thee.” And so, she told him not to slouch, Then pushed him down upon the couch. As snapping on her rubber gloves, She said a prayer to God above. She rubbed the oil upon his head, His skin, it turned a fiery red. And just like maggots popping out, So, bristles on his scalp did sprout. An hour later lying there, He had a healthy head of hair. He asked her then to do her best, To grow some extra on his chest. So down his front she rubbed some more, His nipples turning very sore. He thought if he could last the night, He’d have more hair by morning light. That night he had a fitful sleep, With nightmares of the deepest deep. He woke up in an icy sweat, With all his bedclothes soaking wet. He saw his image standing there, Inside the mirror by the stairs. Upon his chest had made their home, Two very large and shiny domes. He stood distraught, reduced to tears, (He looked a bit like Britney Spears.) He knew ‘twould be a long time when, He’d face his drinking friends again. And so, you girls who can impart, Your knowledge of the healing arts. Be very, very careful when, You’re practising upon we men. For Lavender and Tea-tree oil, It can, a fellow’s life bespoil. For rub it hard upon his chest, He’ll end up with a pair of breasts. . . Jeff Eardley lives in the heart of England near to the Peak District National Park and is a local musician playing guitar, mandolin and piano steeped in the music of America, including the likes of Ry Cooder, Paul Simon, and particularly Hank Williams.