.

Chitchat

If only I could find a man,
I’m lonely since Sebastian,
That loser, left me for another.
Still, I didn’t like his mother
Anyway, so no big deal,
And honestly, I really feel
We just weren’t suited after all,
I much preferred my time with Paul,
The plumber…

Paul and I sure had some laughs.
We took some risqué photographs.
I tell you, I could not resist
Those lips of his, oh how he kissed,
And what a looker, really cute
But good looks aren’t a substitute
For brains I guess and he had less
Than Cousin Dwayne when he was sick
Last summer.

Poor Dwayne, he went down pretty fast.
The doctors said he wouldn’t last.
He rambled on and on and on
About his favorite pink chiffon-
Type boxer shorts with purple lace.
His dad thought Dwayne a big disgrace,
And blamed it on his stint in jail,
But hey, that’s just another tale
To tell…

So I recall that crazy Paul
Was just a plumber after all,
And plumbers, everybody knows
Don’t come up smelling like a rose.
Besides, he drove a Pontiac,
From eighty five, a hatch in back,
So Paul and I, we had some fun
But hey you know, what’s done is done…
Oh well.

And then, do you remember Sid,
The fireman with the bratty kid?
So tall and dark and really slim,
I could have settled down with him,
If he could just have dumped his son
Back on his ex… she was the one
To drive her son to petty crime,
I realised then that it was time…
To split.

And after Sid, I must confess,
I was a total useless mess,
And tried to stay away from men,
Until the day when I met Ben
And fell in love in no time flat,
Until he told me I was fat,
That I should really try to lose
Some weight and cut right down on booze…
Or quit.

His words brought on some huge regrets.
I smoked a dozen cigarettes,
Picturing my whole life worsen,
If I couldn’t find my person.
Someone who would really care
About me, like an answered prayer.
Who’d give me gifts and love in spades,
Like the guy in ‘Fifty Shades…
Of Grey’.

Oh men! They’ll drive me round the bend.
So, tell me, as my bestest friend,
D’you think I’ll ever find a man
To love me just the way I am,
And one who’ll treat me with respect
And hopefully with intellect,
Or do I need to see a shrink,
Please tell me what you really think…
Okay?

.

.

Chitchat Continued…

Well… since you asked me what I think,
You really must cut down on drink
And ditch the cigarettes as well,
You’re smelling like a cheap hotel.
And maybe you could wear a smile
And then go solo for a while,
Forget all men and concentrate
Instead, on lifting up a weight…
Or two.

And how about we start to take
A walk or bike ride round the lake.
I’m sure you’d love it, and in time
You’d lose more weight and feel sublime,
And then you’d show Paul, Sid and Ben
And all those egotistic men,
That you’ll be fine while on your own,
And tell them, if or when they phone…
Adieu!

Also, there is your complexion,
Which I must say lacks perfection
At the moment, but I’m sure
It’s caused by too much cheap liqueur.
So once you get back on your feet,
Just cut in half how much you eat.
And soon, I think that you will see
That men are not a guarantee…
Of bliss.

They’re great for helping with expenses,
Watching sports and fixing fences,
But they take your heart and crush it
Into pieces, then they flush it
Down the toilet, they don’t care,
They’ll have themselves one more affaire.
Who needs another low-life creep,
Sending us into a deep…
Abyss?

Now please don’t look at me that way.
Everything will be okay.
Your life’s not over, it’s begun.
I’m not suggesting be a nun.
You’ll not be left upon the shelf
But first you have to love yourself.
Just take a break and don’t depend
On men, realise you have a friend…
In me.

Another thing, if you don’t mind
Me saying this, it sounds unkind,
But as your friend, I want the best
For you, I’ll get this off my chest.
You kinda, sorta talk too much.
Perhaps you use it as a crutch
To hide the fact that you feel blue
And rather desp’rate, so do you…
Agree?

Talking non-stop tends to make
Men back-away… for goodness sake!
Oh dear, don’t cry, what have I said.
I think I’ve made things worse instead.
Just wait, we’ll have a glass of wine
Or two, then you’ll be feeling fine.
Oh no! I said you shouldn’t drink
And now I don’t’ know what to think…
Or do.

To heck with it, let’s sit and eat
That bag of cookies for a treat.
That tub of ice cream’s going rotten,
Let this past hour be forgotten.
We don’t really need a guy.
Oftentimes a real good cry
Can help to take the blues away
And get us through another day…
Or two.

.

.

Norma Pain was born in Liverpool, England and now lives in Parksville, British Columbia, Canada. Thirty of Norma’s poems were published by Dana Literary Society, between 2004 and 2007 and she was twice nominated for the Pushcart Prize by that same on-line poetry site. She self-published a book of rhyme in 2000 called Bulging Assets.

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33 Responses

  2. Roy E. Peterson

    Norma, I can only think of this poem as rollicking fun. I was fascinated by how you made the ending to every two verses rhyme. Men like me are always interested in the feminine point of view and this did not disappoint. I loved your musings and enthusiasms that came through to me.

    Reply
    • Norma Pain

      Thank you for your comments Roy. I really wasn’t sure if this would go down well, but I am very happy with the wonderful responses that I have received.

      Reply
  4. Sally Cook

    Norma –
    I find it interesting how the narrator sees the men so clearly, but never sees herself and it is not until her friend lists some of her obvious faults that some degree of self-awareness creeps in. I truly enjoyed this poem !

    Reply
    • Norma Pain

      Thank you Sally. I wrote this one a while ago and was trying to remember what it was that sparked the idea, to no avail.

      Reply
  5. Russel Winick

    This is fabulous! Love the clever rhyme and meter, and the captivating dialogue. Superb!

    Reply
    • Norma Pain

      Thank you for your comments Russel. I have enjoyed many of your poems which are so entertaining and right to the point.

      Reply
  6. Brian Yapko

    Norma, these are delightfully witty and observant. I love the dialogue structure, and the slightly acerbic wit which is Noel Coward-worthy.

    Reply
    • Norma Pain

      Thank you Brian for your wonderful comments which are very much appreciated.

      Reply
  7. Tonia Kalouria

    What a rollicking fun tale! (Can’t wait to hear more about Dwayne, too.)

    Reply
  8. Joseph S. Salemi

    These tetrameter couplets really kick ass. And they’re genuinely funny!

    Reply
  10. Susan Jarvis Bryant

    Norma, I love it! Not only is this fabulous poem hilarious, but it’s also relatable (I’ve had many a conversation like this lol) and it romps along with poetic aplomb. It’s one of those poems that is seemingly effortless… a lot of work goes into making this craft look that easy. Very well done, indeed!

    Reply
    • Norma Pain

      Thank you so much Susan. As one of my favorite poets on this site, your words mean a great deal to me.

      Reply
  11. Adela

    Oh how I enjoyed and related to a few lines. Like my old ex Ben who also told me I needed to lose weight. Thank you for the amazing poem!

    Reply
  12. Jeff Eardley

    Norma, this is just so funny to read out loud and right up there in that Victoria Wood territory. Please give up the day job, if you have one, and head back to blighty for a nationwide tour and book-signing. Your work never fails to make us smile, particularly as our nation slides down the plug-hole. Thank you so much.

    Reply
    • Norma Pain

      Jeff, you make the most lovely comments, for which I thank you very much. My birthplace may be sliding down the plug-hole, but Canada is getting flushed down the toilet too, thanks to Justin Trudeau’s childish ego.

      Reply
    • Norma Pain

      Ha ha!! The penny just dropped Paul. Are you the good-looking plumber who drives a Pontiac from ’85? I’m a little slow these days.

      Reply
  14. Patricia Redfern

    Norma, you made me think of the bozos I dated over the years in a divinely, humorous way.
    Such a joy to know I married not one of them.
    One had a very old car, so old, I cannot recall it’s brand.
    The brakes went out near Lake Michigan in Chicago
    on the busy, outer drive! He shouted at me, to open my door and drag my foot? Obediently, I did so, as did he! The car came to a slow stop! Eventually!
    I have never penned about my loves in a humorous vein! You have given me ample food for thought.
    Many thanks…
    Patricia Redfern 8/22/2022

    Reply
    • Norma Pain

      Thank you for your wonderful comments Patricia. I am glad that my poem reminded you of your fortunate escape from danger… and from a bozo, in a humorous way. You definitely made a lucky escape.

      Reply
  15. Satyananda Sarangi

    I will suggest these to few friends who need to enjoy quality humour poems. Top-notch, Norma ma’am!

    Best wishes.

    Reply

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