.

Dr. Quack

My name is Dr. Henry Quack and in my little room out back,
Are lots of pills and potions.
There’s drugs for this and drugs for that; if you’re too skinny or too fat,
And drugs to cure emotions.

I’ve studied books and bones and charts, learned all about the body parts,
And countless medications,
And if I act as drug promoter, do my job and make my quota,
I can win vacations.

Forget the veggies, nuts and seeds, drugs are what your body needs,
Have no hesitation.
Pop a pill, take two or three; good for that arthritic knee
In any combination.

Exercise… a healthy diet, it’s a waste of time to try it,
It won’t cure your ills.
I believe a better way, is medication every day,
Just keep on popping pills.

Some people think too many sweeties might be causing diabetes,
This is just misleading.
Science has the final say, drugs and needles every day
Is what your body’s needing.

For every ache and pain and throb, your drug of choice will do the job,
Treat every pain you get.
Just mix and match and you’ll be glad, one word of caution I must add,
Don’t give them to your pet.

These yellow pills will cure your ills, they’ll take away your aches and chills,
And leave you feeling mellow.
They’ll calm your cough and soothe your throat, they’ve got a tasty sugar coat,
Remember that they’re yellow.

These little red ones, nice and round will guarantee a sleep that’s sound,
Or if the flu should chill you.
Take one before you go to bed, remember they’re the brightest red,
Take two or more… they’ll kill you!

I’m Dr. Quack, I’m here to help, forget the flax seeds and the kelp
And all those nutraceuticals.
Drugs will get you feeling healthy, cure your pains and make me wealthy,
Embrace pharmaceuticals.

.

.

Stick it Where?

“Doctor Kibble I am certain that I’m going round the bend.
I really need your help because I’m at my witless end.
I have had my share of problems as you surely can attest,
But undoubtedly this latest one is much worse than the rest.

It was round about six months ago, the wife… she started snoring,
And through the day she yaks and yaks on subjects that are boring.
To get some peace and quiet while I sleep or drink my beer,
I bought a yellow squishy thing to stick inside my ear.

I stuck it in my left ear so’s to drown out my dear Nellie.
I left the right one empty so I still could hear the telly.
At night when Nellie’s snoring would vibrate inside my head,
I’d plug the left ear, lay the right ear flat against the bed.

For a while my life was perfect, I heard not a word she said.
When I saw her lips a-flapping I would smile and nod my head.
With her one-way conversations she no longer seemed as bitchy,
We were both content until my left ear started to get itchy.

It tickled and it tickled and it felt a little queer,
So I thought that I would splurge and buy a new plug for the year.
I’d wash it once or twice a week and try to keep it cleanish,
The old one felt a little hard and looked a little greenish.

This didn’t seem to help, in fact things went from bad to worse.
I was now the one quite bitchy as I’d scratch and poke and curse.
Now my head feels big and heavy… doctor is it as I fear,
Are there nasty little creepy-crawlies deep inside my ear?”

“Well Fred, your problem isn’t one that’s easy to relieve.
Once you get a skuzzy ear it can be chronic I believe.
And I couldn’t help but notice as you struggled through the door,
That your head is rather swollen as you drag it on the floor!”

“Doctor Kibble you are spot-on, it has gotten really heavy.
It’s so difficult maneuvering my head into my Chevy.
In the mornings when I wake my Nellie’s whiter than a sheet,
As she sees my big head hit the floor much sooner than my feet.

Could you tell me Doctor Kibble, what I should do… or what not?
For I certainly do value your opinion quite a lot.
I will gladly make some changes if this skuz will disappear.
My dear Nellie’s rather worried and inclined to shed a tear.”

“Well Fred you have a big fat head, your ear is green and smelly,
But you’re such a lucky man to have a wife as nice as Nellie.
If you pay her more attention and you try to be sincere,
Then it’s possible a miracle might occur within your ear.

The human ear is really an amazing work of art,
Of which little yellow squishy things should never be a part.
Also all our thoughts affect us, if this fact you realize,
Well then hopefully your big fat head will shrink back down to size.

And just as you would never stick zucchini up your nose,
Or walk about with ripe bananas stuck between your toes,
That little yellow squishy thing you shoved inside your ear,
Would do you much less harm were you to stick it in your rear!

So listen Fred, go rest your head, no matter where it lands.
Don’t’ stick your fingers in your ears, try sitting on your hands.
Please hear what I am saying Fred, I’ll try to make it clear.
Do not put anything smaller than your elbow in your ear.”

.

.

Norma Pain was born in Liverpool, England and now lives in Parksville, British Columbia, Canada. Thirty of Norma’s poems were published by Dana Literary Society, between 2004 and 2007 and she was twice nominated for the Pushcart Prize by that same on-line poetry site. She self-published a book of rhyme in 2000 called Bulging Assets.

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24 Responses

    • Norma Pain

      Thank you so much Russel. I love that they cracked you up in the morning. The yellow squishy thing idea was from personal experience but hopefully not because I was an inconsiderate, self-centered person like Fred.

      Reply
  3. Paul Freeman

    Very funny, Norma. The phenomenon of over-prescription for profit and kickbacks seems to be highly-evolved in the States. Where I live, if a doctor can’t find anything wrong with you on a visit, they prescribe vitamin D tablets just so it appears they’ve done something for their dosh.

    As for ‘Stick it Where?’, I’m still having problems putting my elbows in my ears!

    Reply
    • Norma Pain

      Thank you for commenting Paul. I believe Canada where I live, is somewhat like the States in that over-prescribing is fairly common. For instance, some of the public even requesting and receiving antibiotics when they are not needed or appropriate.

      Reply
  4. Joseph S. Salemi

    Big Pharma aspires to run the entire planet, so the sort of thing that Norma describes in “Dr. Quack” is solidly rooted in reality. The biggest absurdity is when pills are prescribed for persons who suffer from “depression.”

    Depression? Isn’t that the Latin for not feeling so hot? And isn’t that just a normal part of any human being’s life from time to time?

    Reply
    • Norma Pain

      Thank you for your comments Joseph. ‘Big Pharma aspires to run the entire planet’, rings so true for me. I haven’t trusted Pharma and Governments for a long time now and I think a lot more of the public is heading towards the same conclusions. And if we didn’t experience ‘happy’ and ‘sad’ from time to time, wouldn’t we just be robots?!!

      Reply
  5. Cynthia Erlandson

    These are really very funny, Norma, and you chose just the right meter to fit the humor. “Dr. Quack” reminds me of the most hilarious line in Dr. Seuss’ “You’re Only Old Once”: “This long flat one is what I take / If I should die before I wake.” (The whole book — both text and illustrations, of course — is hilarious.)

    Reply
  6. Norma Pain

    Thank you for your comments Cynthia and for the reference to Dr. Seuss’ book “You’re Only Old Once”. I just finished reading it on line and it is truly hilarious and not too far from the truth. A book that I should definitely have in my poetry library to read to my grandchildren and guide them on the road to skepticism of the medical industrial complex.

    Reply
  7. Brian Yapko

    Norma, both of these poems are delightful and quite thought-provoking. It’s disturbing to know that there are so many ways in which the medical industry manipulates the public and in which individual care providers are willing to commit affirmative harm. But this is an old story. Quackery goes back to the Romans — at least! Charlatans pushing snake-oil; even cereal magnate John Kellogg, M.D. and his Sanitarium’s bizarre “clean living movement.” But never in history have so many been affected by half-truths, actual wrongdoing and venal motives.

    P.S. I sleep with earplugs. “Stick it Where?” has scared me so I will endeavor to be very, very careful with them.

    Reply
  8. Norma Pain

    Thank you for commenting Brian. Yes, I think it is a virtual minefield out there in the ‘pharma solutions for everything’, land. It is a wakeup call to the public to do some intelligent research before succumbing to any drug or vaccine that is offered.
    And my daughter has worn earplugs for years with no problem so perhaps my problem with them was just a fluke.

    Reply
  9. Lannie David Brockstein

    Norma, your creepy Dr. Quack character seems to have graduated from the same medical school as the infamous Dr. Moley: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x29y5cD7Eok&list=PL6023B5D9475469AF&index=1

    “And if I act as drug promoter, do my job and make my quota,
    I can win vacations.”

    is a reminder that Pfizer was fined $60 million in 2012 ($77.5 million in 2022 dollars) for its having bribed doctors in Europe and Asia.

    That is a mere pittance compared to the $2.3 billion (which included $1.2 billion in criminal penalties for its being a repeat offender) that Pfizer was fined in 2009.

    $2.3 billion in 2009 is worth $3.18 billion in 2022 dollars.

    But Dr. Quack and Dr. Moley need not fret about any of that. Why not? Because Pfizer has more than recouped its losses from those fines thanks to the coerced, I mean mandated sales of its experimental mRNA COVID-19 “vaccine” products that were not tested before being brought to market to prevent the transmission of that virus—a fact that was recently brought to the light of day by the heroic MEP [Netherlands] Robert Roos.

    Reply
    • Norma Pain

      I have to thank you Lannie for introducing me to the infamous Dr. Moley. I have just spent the last 15 minutes watching his hilarious videos and I must say that his eyes have hypnotized me into believing everything that he says!! Thank you also for reminding people of the huge fines that these pharmaceutical companies pay out as the cost of doing business. They do not have our best interests at heart is obvious to any thinking person. Perhaps they did 70 or more years ago, but no longer. I appreciate your very informative response.

      Reply
  10. Roy E. Peterson

    Norma, these two humorous poems put a big smile on my face. They really quacked me up! There are some great sardonic and sarcastic phrases that also make some great points about some doctors and medications they prescribe. I really liked the idea expressed when you said: “Don’t give them to your pets.”

    Reply
    • Norma Pain

      Thank you so much for commenting Roy. I am very happy that my poems made you laugh. The Hippocratic oath seems to have all but disappeared for many individuals in the so-called Healing Profession, which could now be known as the Drugging Profession.

      Reply
  11. Susan Jarvis Bryant

    Norma, not only are these poems a laugh-out-loud treat in these dismal days of woe, they breeze along with ease to tease the ear with seas of soaring words and images that never cease to please. I thoroughly appreciate the work that has gone into these fine poems… I’ve had a blast reaping the benefits. Thank you!

    Reply
      • Susan Jarvis Bryant

        You are most welcome, Norma. I would also like to say you not only managed to bring joy with “Dr. Quack”, but you also make a very valid point in a poetic way… the very best way, in my opinion.

  12. Adam Wasem

    Well done, Norma. “Dr. Quack” really tickled me. And it couldn’t be more timely, with the politico-pharma establishment still(!) stoking the pandemic hysteria, and, with the exception of a scattered few brave dissenters, virtually every Western doctor, at best, meekly assenting, or, at worst, openly collaborating. My wife and I never thought we’d be seeking out the hippie holistic guys, but that’s where we are after the wholesale transition of their oaths from the Hippocratic to the hypocritic.

    Reply
    • Norma Pain

      Thank you for commenting Adam. “From Hippocratic to hypocritic”, is a most appropriate description for what has come about because of a sleepy-sheep population, that relies on various establishments to ‘take care of them’ instead of taking responsibility for their own health and welfare. Will we all wake up before it is too late?????

      Reply
  13. Janice Canerdy

    Dr. Quack is creative, clever, vividly descriptive, and wickedly funny!

    Reply
    • Norma Pain

      Thank you so much Janice for your wonderful comments on my poem. I am so glad you enjoyed it.

      Reply

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