. The Modern Cardinal’s Song after “The Major General’s Song” from Gilbert & Sullivan’s The Pirates of Penzance from a faithful Catholic scandalized at the men purporting to lead the Church. I am the very model of a modern Catholic cardinal, I’ve passions homosexual, heretical, and criminal, I know no old Church Doctors and I quote facts ahistorical. From Peter to Roncalli I’ve disinterest categorical. I’m well-acquainted, though, with ideologies political: I know the Marxist doctrine, theoretical and practical; Of critical race theory I’m teeming with a lot of news … With a lot of fancy language that I lifted straight out from Marcuse. I’m very good at smashing up and painting over sacred art And putting up monstrosities upon the shrines I tore apart. In matters homosexual, heretical, and criminal, I am the very model of a modern Catholic cardinal. My preaching on morality is anything but orthodox: I give the sacraments to anyone who’ll fill my tithing box. I imitate with gusto all the crimes of Heliogabalus And thrill with pride when all the drag queens call my gay Mass “fabulous.” I liken all my critics to the carping scribes and Pharisees And marvel that I have no new vocations in my diocese. Then I can belt some cheesy show-tunes masked as hymns like none before … But ban those ancient chants that my gay liturgists find such a bore. Then I can write a check to settle sex abuse and kiddie porn, Forgetting that I hid the facts and silenced all who tried to warn. In matters homosexual, heretical, and criminal, I am the very model of a modern Catholic cardinal. I preach for open borders and can fit them in the Parables. I hang abstract felt banners, I’ve a taste for tribal chasubles. When in restricting Latin Mass I’m most authoritarian, And when I know the detailed sex life of each seminarian, When I praise women’s progress in the Swedish episcopacy, When I know more of back-room deals than all the lobbies in D.C., In short, when I’ve a smattering of watered-down theology … You’ll say a better cardinal has never overseen this see. For my theologic knowledge, though I’m plucky and adventury, Has only been around since the end of the last century. In matters homosexual, heretical, and criminal, I am the very model of a modern Catholic cardinal. . . Adam Sedia (b. 1984) lives in his native Northwest Indiana and practices law as a civil and appellate litigator. In addition to the Society’s publications, his poems and prose works have appeared in The Chained Muse Review, Indiana Voice Journal, and other literary journals. He is also a composer, and his musical works may be heard on his YouTube channel.