. Carnivore Picks a Fight and Vegan Responds . CARNIVORE O man vegetarian with lifestyle agrarian, You’ve fallen as prey to a scam! We advise you to eat, every day, ample meat: Fish and beef, pork and chicken and lamb. VEGAN O great busybody, condescending and snotty, Your words are annoying and zealous. Your uncalled-for action shows dissatisfaction; I think it’s because you are jealous. CARNIVORE Why on Earth do you deign to eat just fruit and grain? That is why you grow sickly and frail, Lack of protein and iron in time undermine your Corpuscles that keep people hale. VEGAN You aren’t shrink, you aren’t doctor nor graduate-proctor, But think so, since you’ve read some books. Evidently you’re worried my death will be hurried, And base this on cursory looks. CARNIVORE A diet of rice in no way can suffice To supply vital organs their need; It is very non-smart to abuse brain and heart With this totally-vegan misdeed. No preservative flavors leaves nothing to savor And the texture grows rancid and stale, You will never be strong if you eat all day long Avocados, tomatoes, and kale. VEGAN Well, this pallor, the same as my skeletal frame, Was inherited from both of my parents. My appearance in truth is reflective of youth; It is not, as you see it, aberrance. CARNIVORE My dear Tree-Hugger Friend, we request that you bend This rigid and harmful obsession; Thinking mankind is evil puts the soul in upheaval, It’s leading you into depression. VEGAN I do not hate mankind! That is YOUR state of mind, You’re projecting unholy neurosis. Life is good, as am I, and I constantly try To attain the ideal of Theosis. You have left me resentive; I’ve little incentive To alter the way that I feed. Next time, try to inform using words soft and warm, And let’s see if I’m wont to accede. CARNIVORE Meat and dairy are good, they’re acceptable food – See Genesis 9:2 and 3, Know your place and your worth on this wonderful Earth And fulfill what God meant you to be. NARRATOR Carnivore and Vegan conclude their discourse: Thus the smug Carnivore made the Vegan quite sore With her attitude all-patronizing. Carnivore could not sense, because she was too dense, That the Vegan’s blood-pressure was rising. It took all Vegan’s might, but he acted polite, And to Carnivore held out his hand, And he bade her good day (but he wanted to say, "Go away! Suck an egg! And pound sand!”). . . Notes Theosis: a process whose aim is likeness to or union with God. Genesis 9:2-3, KJV: 2 And the fear of you and the dread of you shall be upon every beast of the earth, and upon every fowl of the air, upon all that moveth upon the earth, and upon all the fishes of the sea; into your hand are they delivered. 3 Every moving thing that liveth shall be meat for you; even as the green herb have I given you all things. . . Mary Gardner is a poet living in Florida.