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Medieval Scam Letter

Felicitations from the Holy Land,
Where I, as sole survivor of a band
Of mercenary soldiers stashed away
Much booty; and concealèd it shall stay
Until a boat’s procured to sail me home.

I found your name within the Domesday tome,
A family respected and adored;
And honest—one I wish to share my hoard
Of treasure with, for gems and jewels and gold
In England can for boundless wealth be sold.
Let’s partner up, and since we’re men of wit,
I’ll offer you a fifty-fifty split.

To rent the needed boat, tonight my man
Will visit you to activate the plan;
And once you’ve paid a thirty noble toll,
I urge you, burn this compromising scroll.
Tell no one of this scheme twixt I and thee,
For secrecy, my friend, shall be our key.

Previously published in The Spectator

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Paul A. Freeman is the author of Rumours of Ophir, a crime novel which was taught in Zimbabwean high schools and has been translated into German. In addition to having two novels, a children’s book and an 18,000-word narrative poem (Robin Hood and Friar Tuck: Zombie Killers!) commercially published, Paul is the author of hundreds of published short stories, poems and articles.

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24 Responses

  1. Roy Eugene Peterson

    What a great concept! Ripped from today’s headline scams with the thought that scams have always been there. Imaginative and wonderfully phrased and rhymed! I love it!

    Reply
  2. Paddy Raghunathan

    Having to dodge a boatload of online scammers these days, it’s such fun to read the medieval scam letter for a change.

    Best regards,

    Paddy

    Reply
    • Paul Freeman

      It was fun to write, too. Thanks for reading and commenting, too

      Reply
  4. Brian A Yapko

    Thank you for this poem, Paul. Historical fiction is a favorite genre of mine whether in novel or poetic form and the piece you have written is fun, memorable and carries foreshadowing echoes of a corrupt modern world. The corrupt crusader is a great choice for an antihero speaker. I’m one of those cynics who believe that — left to their own devices and spiritual autonomy — human beings will always be subject to the same failings and foibles as they have in the past.

    Reply
    • Paul Freeman

      You’ll be glad to know that I also got this piece published at a prose site by sending it as a 100- word paragraph!

      Reply
  5. Joseph S. Salemi

    Today many of these scams are promoted by con-artists in Nigeria, claiming some kind of royal status. You are offered a huge percentage of a massive, multi-billion dollar fortune if you simply send the scammer a sum to cover legal fees.

    What amazes me is that there are apparently countless Americans who are stupid enough to fall for this harebrained scheme.

    Re-creating it in a medieval version is a stroke of genius. And there’s just enough of a medieval touch (Domesday tome, thirty-noble toll, twixt I and thee) to make it work.

    Reply
    • Paul Freeman

      Worse these days are the widow and widower catching on line scammers, often from West Africa with their romantic spiel and sob story. I think the problem is that lonely people want it to be true.

      Thanks for reading and glad you enjoyed it.

      Reply
  6. Margaret Coats

    Paul, this is great fun. And like any scam, it betrays itself by illogic. Did the mercenary in the Holy Land check Domesday Book for a suitable family name before leaving England, or is he carrying a copy of the tomes around with him? Along with his treasure hoard–and no fellow mercenaries available to help him guard the pelf. Could he not have used part of it to buy a boat and pay sailors? As mercenaries were rarely literate, he undoubtedly hired a scribe to write the letter, and did not recognize the grammar mistake of “twixt I and thee.” Or maybe he insisted on those words because his uneducated speech ordinarily confused nominative and objective case!

    Reply
    • Paul Freeman

      As always, you see a depth to a poem beyond the words, Margaret letting me see how much more it could be.

      Thanks for reading.

      Reply
  7. Paul Martin Freeman

    Brilliant in conception. Brilliant in execution.

    And of course the Domesday Book was the telephone directory of Engelond.

    Reply
  8. Paul Freeman

    Thanks for reading andcommenting, Paul.

    Yes, the Domesday Book is not only a Who’s Who of the Norman aristocracy, it’s an inventory of Who Owns What in 11th century England.

    Reply
  9. Carey Jobe

    Timely and timeless. And flawlessly written. A great read, Paul. Enjoyed!

    Reply
  10. Susan Jarvis Bryant

    From the intrigue of the title to the wry smile of the closing couplet, this clever poem entertains with wit and wonder. I especially like your employment of archaic language… it adds to the humour of this superb poem. Very well done indeed!

    Reply
  11. Paul Freeman

    Thanks for reading and commenting, Susan. Even though my Chaucerian-style period of narrative poetry is over, I can’t help the occasional sally back into the Middle Ages.

    Reply
  12. Sally Cook

    I love it !- this is what poetry is all about ! Should I now know you are “Middle Aged?

    Sorry about that.

    Reply
      • Sally Cook

        Good one, Paul ! I’m wondering what the origin of the word Medieval is. Do you or anyone else have the answer??

      • Paul Freeman

        I believe the term ‘Medieval’ was coined in the 19th century and is Latin, or faux Latin, for ‘Middle Ages’, meaning the period between the fall of the Roman Empire and the Renaissance.

  13. Sally Cook

    Paul, I now remember having been told this in the lower grades, but that was a very long time ago and so I forgot, having other things on my mind at the time that seemed very important at the time.
    And then I forgot them, too.

    Reply
    • Paul Freeman

      Alas, at my ‘Comprehensive’ school there was no such thing as Latin, nor Classics, and English Literature only became a subject at ‘O’ level (year 11) in my year 11 at school.

      Reply

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