. The Certainty of Kelly Green My friend and I went to a coffee shop; She read her intricately crafted verse That proved that she alone was at the top Of all today’s poetic universe. She read her passionate, poetic pleas That children’s innocence may be preserved From porn cartoons and gender-bending sleaze To save the futures of these underserved. Myself, I’m called to write the wrongs upstream That lead to creeds of rainbow flags and hair. I read my pro-life poems, quite extreme: “A Woman’s Right” and then “Two Empty Chairs.” Up stood a white-haired man named Kelly Green. He passed me by, walked toward my friend instead, And said, “Your strong politic creed’s obscene! You hate LGBTs and want them dead! “Poor children, forced to live in the wrong gender Because of Christian ideology! Your verse is full of great linguistic splendor, But politics pollutes your poetry! “You Christian hypocrite! I hate your works, Those accolades from all your acolytes, Your simple-minded, right-wing circle jerks Against our children’s basic human rights!” I said, “Why try to turn girls into boys By mutilating procreative parts And screaming at my friend with empty noise For speaking for the children through the arts? “Moreover, what’s a girl? And what’s a boy? Defining who’s from Mars and who’s from Venus Is but an endless loop? That’s just a ploy! I know the boy’s the one with balls and penis! “And why should I believe what leftists say? Your moral lectures simply can’t hold water When you insist it somehow is okay To sentence unborn children to the slaughter!” Well, after playing back more party lines, He ran away from us. I said, “Poor fellow! Because he can’t refute the Lord’s designs, It seems that Kelly Green’s now Kelly Yellow!” . Poet's Note: Conor Kelly, on whom the Kelly Green character is based, has routinely trolled SCP poems’ comment sections to push his leftist agenda and insult those who disagree. Like Michael Burch, he is a staunch leftist who writes low-quality poetry and openly hates the SCP, our poetry, and everything for which we stand. The two have joined forces in attacking the SCP, mentioning specific poets by name; Kelly has now made two anti-SCP guest posts on Burch’s website. More recently, he had a badly written poem against our own Susan Jarvis Bryant (for whom he, again like Burch, has always saved the bulk of his rage) published, originally titled “On the Certainty of Susan,” but given a more neutral title when the editor was alerted to the malicious reason for the original title. This poem is a rebuttal to that poem, based on my own experience defending our poets from his attacks and those of others like him. . . Joshua C. Frank works in the field of statistics and lives near Austin, Texas. His poetry has also been published in Snakeskin, Sparks of Calliope, Atop the Cliffs, and the Asahi Haikuist Network, and his short fiction has been published in Nanoism.