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Cystolitholapaxy

Cystolitholapaxy (si-stow-luh-THAA-luh-pak-see):
a procedure to break up bladder stones into
smaller pieces and remove them

“It’s Cystolitholapaxy for you,
For guys of your age, it’s the best I can do.
I’ll see you back here in a couple of weeks,
And give me a call if you get any leaks.”

I thanked my consultant, a man of high status,
So keenly to show me his new apparatus.
A shiny steel tube with a blade at the end,
And a flexible camera to get round the bends.

It sounded quite bad, but it could have been badder,
To have rolling stones swirling round in your bladder.
I gave them both names, now it sounds a bit sick,
The big one was Keith, and the other one Mick.

I know I’m a coward, it sounds quite pathetic,
To be so afraid of a mild anaesthetic.
I’m gritting my teeth now, so brave I must be,
It’s Cystolitholapaxy for me.

.

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Jeff Eardley lives in the heart of England near to the Peak District National Park and is a local musician playing guitar, mandolin and piano steeped in the music of America, including the likes of Ry Cooder, Paul Simon, and particularly Hank Williams.

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The Society of Classical Poets does not endorse any views expressed in individual poems or commentary.


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36 Responses

    • Julian D. Woodruff

      Right, Margaret. And it’s Keith Jagger. I missed that bit of cleverness. Glad you were around to point it out to me.

      Reply
    • Jeff Eardley

      Thanks Margaret, however, it is a great word. By the way, Keith Richard refers to Mick Jagger as “Phyllis”
      Best wishes to you.

      Reply
    • Jeff Eardley

      Thanks Philip. Evan’s illustration has rendered me stone-faced as well.

      Reply
  5. Lannie David Brockstein

    An alternative to Big Pharma is the nutraceutical approach to medicine, such as by means of hiring a licenced naturopathic doctor and using “Renavive” or a similar natural product.

    Reply
    • Jeff Eardley

      Lannie, thanks for that. I’d never heard of Renavive but I will look into it. Best wishes.

      Reply
  6. Russel Winick

    Jeff – This is terrific, and proves that one can make a poem about virtually anything! Great job!

    Reply
  7. Julian D. Woodruff

    Brilliant, Jeff. Best, I think, is the “leaks” line. Good luck with this (& good riddance). The cure, bad as it sounds, should definitely be better than the ailment.

    Reply
    • Phil S. Rogers

      A day of generally upsetting news, and reading your poem proved there is still great humor in the world. The analogy to The Rolling Stones made me laugh out loud. Thank you Jeff!

      Reply
      • Jeff Eardley

        Thanks Phil, I hope the sequel is enlightening. I’ll send your regards to Mick and Keith.

    • Jeff Eardley

      Julian, thanks for your kind words. Evan’s illustration has made me feel a whole lot better!

      Reply
    • Jeff Eardley

      Thanks Rohini. Love your two liner here. Sums it up perfectly. Best wishes.

      Reply
  9. Mike Bryant

    Your poem is hilarious and wonderful, when I had my kidney stones, writing poetry was the last thing on my mind. The pain is life-changing. Believe it or not, lemonade and lemon, however you can tolerate it, is the cure.
    They say that this is the closest that a man can come to appreciating birth pangs. Of course, you probably won’t be bouncing that stone on your knee, although I did ask the sonogram tech to give me a picture of the little troublemaker.
    He wouldn’t do it. Life is so unfair!

    Reply
    • Jeff Eardley

      Thanks Mike. These two intruders turned up on a CT scan for a suspected hernia. Those kidney stones sound like a different ball game. It has taken an eternity to get an appointment for this but I pray that Mick and Keith haven’t gained weight in the meantime. Thanks for your most kind comment.

      Reply
    • Mary Gardner

      Ouch!
      All the best to you, Jeff. Thank you for this amusing poem.
      Mike, I imagine that passing stones would cause a searing, nasty pain – a different kind of pain from that of childbirth.

      Reply
      • David Hollywood

        Very enjoyable description. I hope you get Satisfaction. Best of luck

    • Mike Bryant

      Hey Jeff, the language is Lao. It is an advertisement (SPAM) for a gambling website in Laos.
      The spam filter is a bit off kilter lately. Maybe, the filter can’t cope with Lao?

      Reply
      • Jeff Eardley

        That very odd lingo called Lao,
        I’m trying to understand how,
        Those wiggles and squiggles,
        Just give me the giggles,
        I’m sticking to English for now.

      • Mike Bryant

        I guess you won’t be gambling on their website then…

    • Mike Bryant

      Think of those weird comments as a kind of bladder stone… we try to get them out of here as quick as we can.

      Reply
    • Jeff Eardley

      Geoffrey, it seems to be a routine procedure. Best not to dwell on Evan’s image for too long. Hope you have a good outcome and thanks for reading,

      Reply
  13. Shaun C. Duncan

    It’s a finely crafted poem which can make one wince but also laugh out loud and there are some great rhymes in this one too. Assuming it is autobiographical to some degree, I wish you all the best, Jeff.

    Reply
  14. Jeff Eardley

    Oh, thank you Shaun. By the way, I loved your wonderful, disturbing Commisar piece. Best wishes to you.

    Reply

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