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Mythological Limericks on Defloration

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Venus and Adonis

Adonis was cute as a berry
And Venus was sexy and merry—
__The boy said “No dice”
__But without thinking twice
She jumped him and popped the kid’s cherry.

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Hades and Persephone

Hades was hot for a missus
And longed for Persephone’s kisses.
__Instead of seduction
__He tried straight abduction
And widened the place where she pisses.

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Zeus and Callisto

Callisto flamed Zeus’ desire
Igniting a lust-driven fire—
__And when she bent over
__To pluck up some clover
He thought “Well, I might as well try her.”

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Hera and Zeus

When Hera makes love with her lord
Her husband will never be bored.
__Through magical powers
__Whenever she showers
Her hymen is freshly restored.

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Cupid and Psyche

Psyche and amorous Cupid
Made love in a manner most stupid.
__They mimicked the habits
__Of oversexed rabbits
And screwed till exhausted and poopèd.

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Joseph S. Salemi has published five books of poetry, and his poems, translations and scholarly articles have appeared in over one hundred publications world-wide.  He is the editor of the literary magazine TRINACRIA and writes for Expansive Poetry On-line. He teaches in the Department of Humanities at New York University and in the Department of Classical Languages at Hunter College.

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31 Responses

  1. Cheryl Corey

    My, aren’t you the naughty one. Your word play with “poopèd” is delightful.

    Reply
    • Joseph S. Salemi

      I composed them several years ago, but I’ve asked Evan to publish them now, to prove to the world that I’m still anti-Puritan, despite what a certain idiot says.

      Reply
  2. Carey Jobe

    Joe, every one of these is a hoot! Their smooth meter and clever rhymes hide a rapier point of wit. I doubt that even Ovid could have written better limericks. You are definitely no Puritan, no matter what our latter-day Thersites says.

    Reply
    • Joseph S. Salemi

      Many thanks, Carey. I love composing limericks, because they are one of the formal genres that demand absolutely perfect meter and rhyme.

      Reply
      • Joshua C. Frank

        Although I once heard a limerick that started “There ONCE was a MAN named JACK,” which wouldn’t be absolutely perfect meter. Plus I’ve seen limericks use slant rhyme. So, I’m not so sure they demand absolutely perfect meter and rhyme, though we can certainly impose that as an additional constraint.

  3. Drilon Bajrami

    I loved all of these poems but ‘Hades and Persephone’ gave me the biggest guffaw. Even re-reading it, I can’t help but to laugh. I’ll make sure to share that one to my philistine friends — even they can enjoy that one! The other ones are great too, naturally, but man ‘Hades and Persephone’ is a GOAT limerick.

    Reply
    • Joseph S. Salemi

      I’m very glad you enjoyed them Drilon, especially the one about Hades. Evan and I discussed whether that one should be omitted, and I’m glad we agreed to include it.

      Reply
      • Drilon Bajrami

        I, too, am glad that it wasn’t omitted. I think classical poetry shouldn’t use profanity or any vulgar words but limericks are the perfect art-form for those and if utilised well, can create great poetry, as you’ve done with this form. Vulgar language is, after all, a part of language. I hate the “educated people should never swear” crowd.

        Also, I’ve googled your magazine TRINACRIA but I can’t seem to find an easy way to consume it, what would be the best way to do so? I want to familiarise myself with the metre of classical poetry (I can sometimes kinda hear it but not always and I especially struggle with 3 foot metres, like anapests from limericks) and your magazine would seem like a good source. A lot of journals that feature metred poetry have a mix with free verse so that doesn’t exactly help my learning. Cheers.

      • Joseph S. Salemi

        Drilon, just ask Evan Mantyk to send you my private e-mail address. Then send me your postal mailing address and I will send you some back issues of TRINACRIA. But be warned — the magazine has a good sprinkling of what some people call “profanity” or “vulgarity.” It is not for wilting flowers!

      • Drilon Bajrami

        I’m looking forward to it even more after those comments, Joe, I’m not one to be shy. I’ll contact Evan about this, cheers.

  4. Brian A. Yapko

    Joe, your cleverly bawdy limericks have triggered a memory. As I entered college (back in antedeluvian times) I had conceived of the ancients as being as bloodless and cold as marble, as logical as Aristotle, as professional as Cicero, as prudish as Augustus. Caligula and Elagabalus were outliers. And I failed to connect the physicality of the myths with the lives of the people. Then I was introduced to Plautus and Catullus. I started to get — at least intellectually — how vital and earthy the ancients actually were. Then I visited the Lupanar in Pompeii with its unabashedly sensual frescoes which basically detailed a menu of carnal activities available for a few denarii. It was seeing this sexual frankness in person that finally triggered the shock of recognition — I finally realized that people are people doing people things no matter what century or country. The Greeks and Romans were human beings of flesh and blood, with headaches and lusts and knee injuries, hunger and bored afternoons and strange dreams. The Lupanar cured me of my chronocentrism.

    Reply
    • Joseph S. Salemi

      Thanks for the story, Brian. My parents saw the Lupanar room in Pompeii when they visited, but back then you had to bribe the guard to let you in. They loved recounting to all our relatives how the guard gave a highly sexualized Italian narrative guidebook-talk on each fresco, emphasizing exactly what each whore and her client were doing.

      Yes, the ancients were just as freaky as people today can be. I’d love to publish some of my Catullus and Martial translations here, but they might be a bit too raw.

      Reply
  5. Joshua C. Frank

    Joe, these are a scream! I wrote dirty limericks myself as a teenager, but they’re almost clean compared to yours—I don’t have anywhere near the imagination in that area that you do.

    If the “certain idiot” you mention should be calling anyone a Puritan, it’s me.

    Reply
    • Joseph S. Salemi

      Josh, I’m glad they are a scream, and that you liked them. They didn’t take much imagination because each limerick is based on an actual story in Graeco-Roman mythology.

      Yes, limericks can have slant rhyme and some metric substitutions, but in my opinion they lose their zing and sauciness when that happens. A poet who was a Marine Corps veteran once said this to me: “A good limerick has the sharp, clear CLICK of the racked slide on a .45 caliber automatic.”

      Reply
  6. Susan Jarvis Bryant

    Stuff to make John Wilmot grin from the grave! Flaunty, flirty, and devilishly dirty… the epitome of fearless writing in a form that begs for anything but puritanism. A meticulously crafted medley of limerick sauciness that spits in the eye of prudishness. Breathtakingly bad… in a good way!

    Reply
    • Joseph S. Salemi

      Susan, your comments are deeply appreciated. Anyone who thinks that the SCP is the home of fundamentalist Puritans simply hasn’t been reading us.

      Reply
  7. Jeff Eardley

    Absolutely filthy, and flipping hilarious. I must confess to a “spluttering coffee up the wall” moment with number 2. These are wonderful. Thank you.

    Reply
    • Joseph S. Salemi

      Many thanks to you too, Jeff. It looks like limerick 2 is the favorite choice of many readers here.

      Reply
  8. Paul Freeman

    Okay Joe, I’ll risk it:

    Narcissus’s self-confessed goal
    Was how he could lengthen his pole;
    For with enough length
    And flexible strength
    Perhaps he could plug his own hole.

    Reply
    • Joseph S. Salemi

      Ha! It looks like classical mythology has a lot of erotic possibilities.

      Reply
  9. Daniel Kemper

    Ah, the charge of being, “Puritanical” — a fine vintage, I remember it well, predating the ubiquitous accusations of being a Nazi. That goes back quite a few years; how interesting I thought at the time I caught wind of the hilarious accusation, that someone has resurrected it. That era was many, many years ago and I was considerably more liberal (and less educated) than I am now.

    The problem is, Dr. Salemi, that you have presented evidence (egad, maybe even … facts) to support your case.

    If I might paraphrase an old western and speak on behalf of some sorts of people, “Facts?! we don’t need no stinking facts!”

    Just ignore data, admit that you are a Puritan, and everyone will be happy.

    Reply
    • Joseph S. Salemi

      Dan, quite so — facts don’t seem to count for much these days with some kinds of people.

      I once compiled a long list of groups that I naturally loathed: Puritans and Cromwell’s Parliamentarians were at the top, followed by a wide assortment of others that included Communists, the Spanish Republicans, liberals, and left-wing Democrats, along with many others. Some friends who saw the list said that it was too long and indicated incipient misanthropy; others said it was too short, and urged me to add other groups of their suggestion.

      I always like to quote Cyrano de Bergerac, who said “…and I cry out with joy, Another Enemy!”

      Please call me Joe.

      Reply
  10. Louis Groarke

    Joseph, These poems remind me of Martial’s epigrams, although he is a good deal more wicked in his evaluation of other people. I particularly liked Brian’s comment. The ancients were hot-blooded people and Greek and mythology is filled with everything from the sublime to the scatological. As well as all that lies in-between. All this is part of pulsing life. Fearless poetry here–in such a politically correct puritanical world! Good for you, Louis

    Reply
  11. Mike Bryant

    Joe, first the limericks are perfectly wrought, bawdy and funny… everything that a limerick is supposed to be. You have melded myth with mirth and delivered it in the perfect form.
    The broad range of poetry that Evan has delivered this Christmas is highly entertaining. There is something for everyone here… even our detractors simply can’t get enough!

    Reply
    • Joseph S. Salemi

      Mike and Louis, many thanks for your comments. I cut my teeth on Martial when learning Latin, even though some teachers tried hard to prevent me from reading his work. And yes, Evan Mantyk has done a magnificent job in presenting a true smorgasbord of poetry this month. Our enemies hate us — but they READ US!

      Reply
  12. C.B. Anderson

    Besides a few good belly-laughs, I’ve gotten a better understanding of what the avocation of a classics scholar is. Semper ubi sub ubi.

    Reply
    • Joseph S. Salemi

      Kip, you’re right as usual. It’s always good to wear underwear.

      Reply
    • Joseph S. Salemi

      I’ll certainly try to do that, James. All the best to you for the New Year!

      Reply
  14. Michael Vanyukov

    Had a lot of fun. Was reminded of
    ‘“Yea,” quoth he, “Dost thou fall upon thy face?
    Thou wilt fall backward when thou hast more wit,
    Wilt thou not, Jule?” And, by my holidam,
    The pretty wretch left crying and said “Ay.”‘ thank you much.

    Reply
    • Joseph S. Salemi

      Yes, that’s the Nurse’s husband to little Juliet in Romeo and Juliet. It’s the sort of passage that Bowdler erased from his edition of the text.

      Glad the limericks were fun!

      Reply

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