.

The Knitted Dress

I began with the best of intentions,
Though in hindsight I have to confess,
That the scope of my project’s dimensions
Were a little ambitious I guess.
I imagined an intricate pattern,
In a beautiful lacy design,
To accentuate curves but not fatten,
Close-fitting, but not to confine.

I’d chosen angora in sky blue,
I went at it with passionate zeal.
In the end though it looked like a muumuu,
‘Bout the size of an automobile!
On my second attempt I decided,
To choose a more modest design,
But the gosh-awful colours collided
And the outcome just wasn’t divine.

I found myself getting frustrated,
Yet I wasn’t quite ready to quit.
A challenge not anticipated…
The length of time needed to sit.
Hard callouses covered my fingers,
My bum ballooned to my dismay.
After two ugly knitted hum-dingers,
I was thirsty for cheap chardonnay.

If only I could have succeeded
With attempt number three, now I know,
That the third glass of wine wasn’t needed
In order to make my work grow.
More wine… and the needles just glided,
And the knitting grew over the shelves,
Now me and my Bob have decided…
We’re keeping this one for ourselves.

Exactly what happened the fourth try,
I cannot precisely recall.
A bottle of whisky lay bone dry,
My legs lay halfway up the wall.
The knitting was going just splendid,
Though the pattern was nowhere in sight.
The color was not as intended
And the end result wasn’t quite right.

I had hoped that my handmade creation
Through the winter would keep me so warm,
But alas, this is not my vocation,
As my efforts are not uniform.
So the final results didn’t stack-up
To the visions I had in my head.
If you saw them you’d probably crack-up,
So I knitted some dishcloths instead.

.

.

Norma Pain was born in Liverpool, England and now lives in Parksville, British Columbia, Canada. Thirty of Norma’s poems were published by Dana Literary Society, between 2004 and 2007 and she was twice nominated for the Pushcart Prize by that same on-line poetry site. She self-published a book of rhyme in 2000 called Bulging Assets.

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39 Responses

  1. Mary Gardner

    Your poem is spot on, Norma! The meter, ababcdcd rhyme, and narrative move along perfectly.
    I’m going to read it to my Knitting group tomorrow.

    Reply
    • Norma Pain

      Mary, I am so delighted that you will read my poem to your knitting group. I have tried many knitting projects in the past, and have never completed any of them, other than the dishcloths. Thank you so much for commenting.

      Reply
      • Mary Gardner

        The knitting ladies enjoyed it very much, Norma. I printed out a copy for each of them.

  2. Wayne

    what i know about “Norma! The meter, ababcdcd rhyme, and narrative” woldent cover a pin head, but i liked you humor in rhyme.

    Reply
  3. Jeff Eardley

    Norma, this is right up there in Pam Ayres territory. A highly readable and wonderfully laugh out loud piece. Sounds like you will have a huge quantity of dishcloths to shift. Put me down for a dozen!

    Reply
    • Norma Pain

      Even my knitted dishcloths are quite ugly so I’ll only send you two!! Thank you so much Jeff.

      Reply
  4. jd

    Being a knitter I enjoyed this very much, Norma. I was expecting humor from you and I wasn’t disappointed. Lovely, how you made entertainment out of knitting a dress
    and with classical parameters.

    Reply
  5. Sally Cook

    Angora dishcoths? What luxury! And thank you for explaining those oddly shaped pink squares of pink crochet to me, buried deep under sheets in my mother’s bureau. Fun poem, well done!

    Reply
    • Norma Pain

      Knitted dishcloths work quite well as long as the tension is spot-on. Mine isn’t and things get caught in the loopy holes and cause me to get quite cranky! Thank you for commenting Sally.

      Reply
  6. Brian A. Yapko

    This is a wonderfully charming poem, Norma, with a most unexpected subject. Your hapless knitting projects have made for some very happily enjoyed poetry!

    Reply
    • Norma Pain

      Thank you very much Brian. Perhaps I could succeed knitting a plain scarf, or maybe I’ll just buy one, but I’m quite short in stature and most scarves are a mile too long.

      Reply
  7. Morrison Handley-Schachler

    Brilliantly funny, Norma, with a great, flowing, metre and rhyming scheme. From the sound of it, the key elements your efforts were lacking were your own designer label, a marketing department and a friendly fashion correspondent to write a puff piece in the papers. Your designs could have been the next big thing.

    Reply
    • Norma Pain

      Oh, if only that were all true Morrison. Thank you for these very funny ideas that have me dreaming of success.

      Reply
  8. Joseph S. Salemi

    Sometimes a bit of alcoholic stimulant is needed for any artist to get started.

    My mom, who did a great deal of needlework, would have loved this poem. In it, description and frustration are perfectly knitted together!

    Reply
    • Norma Pain

      Your complimentary words are perfectly knitted together. Thank you Joseph.

      Reply
  9. Cheryl Corey

    Wonderful, Norma. I could relate (except for the adult beverage) as I recall my own sorry attempts at knitting. I can never get the tension right, although I managed a short and boring scarf.

    Reply
    • Norma Pain

      I should try to dispel people’s possible image of me as a short, cranky alcoholic lush but I don’t want to spoil their visuals! Thank you Cheryl. I am sure your scarf is lovely.

      Reply
  10. Paul A. Freeman

    We’ve all been there, if not with knitting, with some other pastime we thought we were the bees’ knees at…until we saw the results.

    Thanks for the read, Norma.

    Reply
    • Norma Pain

      Thank you Paul. Yes, even though we sometimes fail, we must never give up or give in.

      Reply
  11. Julian D. Woodruff

    Fortunately, Norma, your ability to stitch witty lines together is very strong (whether or not accomplished with the help of cheap chardonnay).

    Reply
  12. Roy Eugene Peterson

    As I have said before, you have an immaculate sense of humor that I adore. Perhaps you now have an endless supply of Afghans to cover the couch. I love your poems that are well-knit and flow beautifully.

    Reply
    • Norma Pain

      Thank you so much Roy. Your wonderfully humorous poetry inspires me in my efforts to come up with new ideas.

      Reply
  13. Linda Marie Hilton

    Knitting an entire dress is indeed a challenge,
    one never knows how it will fit in the end,
    and what emerges after months of knitting
    may be quite the boondoogle.
    excellent poem!

    Reply
  14. Susan Jarvis Bryant

    Norma, I simply adore this poem! Due to smooth craftmanship the poem romps along with a rhyme and rhythm in a song that appeals to the ears as it tickles one into fits of giggles. Never has knitting been so utterly entertaining! It reminds me of my first major knitting project back in the seventies when I was around ten. I knitted myself a pink and purple cardigan in that new multicolored wool, without checking my tension. It turned out big enough to fit my six-foot grandfather while he was doing his gardening… and he wore it with pride for years to heal my broken heart. I’ve never knitted a cardigan since…. although perhaps a stiff gin may help the process… I may just give it a try. Norma, thank you!

    Reply
    • Norma Pain

      Susan, your grandfather must have been a very kind man, wearing a pink and purple cardigan to sooth his granddaughter’s hurt. Successful knitting definitely depends on the correct tension. Thankyou for your lovely comments.

      Reply
  15. Margaret Coats

    Norma, I understand, and I enjoy your putting the problem in words. I have eye/hand coordination enough for sports, and sewing machine finesse enough to make a soccer team banner, but finger work like knitting and rosary making are beyond me.

    Reply
    • Norma Pain

      And then there’s needlepoint and quilting which would both be way beyond my patience level, but let me loose in my garden with a shovel and pruners and I am in my element. Knitting for me can go the way of the Dodo bird. Thank you for commenting Margaret.

      Reply
  16. Brandi Lawson

    The rhythm and rhyme were excellent. I really enjoyed this light-hearted kitting poem.

    Reply
  17. Yael

    That’s a very entertaining knitting poem and a lot of fun to read. I grew up in knitting culture and although I used to be halfway decent at it I can totally relate to the challenges of your knitting projects. I will send this poem to my sister in law who is a professional knitter. I think she’ll get a kick out of it.

    Reply
    • Norma Pain

      Thank you for your lovely comments Yael, and for kindly sending my poem on to your sister. Tell her that I greatly admire anyone who can take a string of wool and two sticks and turn it into a recognizable piece of clothing. It is definitely a skill I do not possess.

      Reply
  18. Christina Lesinski

    I am in love with this poem, Norma! It’s such a delight and made me laugh out loud numerous times. This meter is so fluent, and the way you expertly craft the syllables so consistently up and down as if in motion are reminiscent of knitting itself. (I apologize if someone else said this already, I didn’t have time to read all the previous comments.) But such a thoughtful idea to write a poem on the many failed attempts of knitting and make it relatable even to those who have never knitted. I can sense your annoyance with each failed attempt, but your disposition is just priceless with your playful and clever word choices (like “hum-dinger”, “my bum ballooned”, “me and my Bob”). Just reminded me of a sweet little old Granny in a rocking chair knitting her heart out. Your intertwining of booze throughout adds a classical witty touch, especially with a granny in my head. If there’s any truth to this tale, your poetry definitely supersedes your knitting!

    Reply
    • Norma Pain

      Christina, thank you so much for your wonderful comments on my poem. There is some truth and some fiction woven into the lines. I am a granny to seven grandchildren but I cannot knit to save the day. That I made you laugh gives me the greatest pleasure any writer could hope for. Thank you.

      Reply

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