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Homophonophobic

(This poem is so vain and humorous
you’ll burst a vein or break your humerus)

My editor returned my latest piece,
but all my comrades lay in pools of red
revisions. Storms of mourning blew my peace
away on that blue morning, as I read.

My angry tears died on the stationery
and dyed the marks that villain chose to write,
but idle as an idol, stationary,
I weathered thoughts of whether he was right.

Okay, I missed a comma—that is fair.
Ah yes—good catch—it should be ‘reins,’ not ‘reigns.’
But wait—this edit weighed more than the fare,
and now I wade in criticism’s rains!

It’s true—that noun does need a capital.
What’s this I’ve seen? “Please knead the scene with patience.”
You sail from off your ivory capitol
with medicine for sale that harms your patients!

But now it seems my seams will pop the sew,
he writes, “Thus based on standards held by our
elites, your rhyme of ‘stairs’ with ‘stares’ was so
unskilled, I deem your work as Amateur Hour!”

How dare he meddle, as if he’s won some medal,
and charge me one gold metal bar plus tax
to only steal away my writer’s mettle
and crucify my work of steel with tacks.

My mirror pane revealed my pain; and pale,
I wadded up the poem and I threw
it through the waist of the waste paper pail.
But then…a piquing thought came peeking through.

Though I was preyed upon and shredded bare,
this lesson will not lessen me from higher
reaches than the claws of such a bear,
and so I prayed the vow to never hire
such a raging homophonophobic!

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Michael Pietrack is a writer, businessman, and former baseball player who resides in Colorado.  

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34 Responses

  1. James Sale

    Witty, inventive, funny – what’s not to like? And ideal in teaching kids about the joy of language – should be in all schools!

    Reply
    • Michael Pietrack

      Everything I write you think is for kids! Ha ha. I guess that shows the level of my intellect!!!

      Reply
      • James Sale

        I think you should read my comments more carefully Michael: here is my comment on your poem, Mistress: “Very beautiful, and accomplished too; after the sonnet, the villanelle is my favourite closed form, although I note this has a tetrameter line, rather than the usual 5 beats. As a great believer in the Muse myself, the conceit of the hidden mistress is very powerful. Well done. More work like this!” I guess if you think the cap fits, you will wear it whatever I say!

    • Michael Pietrack

      Credit for the word goes to Andrew Benson Brown. This poem is about him. He always corrects me when I rhyme with homophones. I called him a homophonic and he clarified me…which is his favorite love! Grrr

      Reply
  3. Joseph S. Salemi

    This wonderfully playful, and shows a solid command of English. Once you start with homophones, you just can’t stop:

    sole: a fish
    sole: the bottom of a shoe
    soul: one’s immortal spirit
    sole: alone, single

    peak: the top
    pique: annoyance
    peek: a quick look

    Reply
    • Michael Pietrack

      These are great ones. I like the trifecta: three spellings, three meanings. I share your interest in homophones, so I guess we are homophonofriends.

      Reply
  4. Cynthia Erlandson

    I absolutely love what you’ve done with homophones! It’s so much fun!

    Reply
  5. Margaret Coats

    Michael, could you please do this again with a gain of function?

    Reply
    • Michael Pietrack

      Not even for a minted cent,
      Not even drugged by pleasant scent,
      Not even helped by heaven’s sent…
      Could I come up with anymore

      Reply
  6. C.B. Anderson

    The editor taught you to be taut
    And never utter a phrase that frays
    The senses. By the latest census,
    We now know you should expect a “No!”
    When submitting waste below the waist.

    Great fun, man.

    Reply
  7. Joseph S. Salemi

    nap: a short siesta
    knap: the top of a hill
    knap: to chip away at stone
    nappe: a thickened sauce that coats a spoon.

    Who’ll make a poem using all of those homophones?

    Reply
      • Joseph S. Salemi

        Here’s another:

        nap: the surface texture on a fabric, or on leather.

  8. ABB

    Thanks for the credit, MP. As others have already noted, this is a hilarious piece. You have turned me into a homophonophiliac.

    Reply
  11. James A. Tweedie

    Michael,

    Fun stuff, indeed. over four years ago SCP hosted a Homophonic Challenge that resulted in many clever, creative, and amusing submissions. Out of habit, apparently, nearly all, however, avoided the obvious trick of using the homophones as end rhymes, as you did hear. This raises your poem to the admirable status of poetic iconoclasm! Well done!

    If you or anyone else would be interested, here is the link to that challenge:

    https://classicalpoets.org/2019/09/16/homophonic-poetry-challenge/

    Reply
    • Michael Pietrack

      Your write! 😉

      I appreciate your comments always—much respect for your work.

      Thanks for the link.

      Reply
  12. Joshua C. Frank

    It’s nice to see a poem of yours, Michael. Keep them coming! I laughed all the way through this, it’s great!

    I’ve had people tell me they didn’t like my use of homophones as end-rhymes (write/right, Abel/able, etc.), but one of my influences, Georges Brassens, did this all the time with French words, and he’s easily the best known French poet of the 20th century.

    Reply
    • Michael Pietrack

      I’m glad you enjoyed it. And thanks for the words of encouragement. I don’t often write short poems like this one. I’m working on another novel-in-verse and so the extracts are rather long.

      Though I’m roasting my mentor, ABB, in this poem, I do agree that rhyming homophones should be avoided. But an occasional nectary one is forgivable. Though I’m not a homophonophobic, I am a Bensonite.

      Reply
    • Joseph S. Salemi

      In French poetry this is called “rime riche,” and is perfectly acceptable. There seems to be some irrational prejudice against it among Anglophone poets and critics, even though one of Ernest Dowson’s most beautiful poems ends this way:

      They are not long, the days of wine and roses;
      Out of a misty dream
      Our path emerges for a while, then closes
      Within a dream.

      The “dream” rhyme is not just homophonic, but identical.

      Reply
      • Michael Pietrack

        Thank you for bringing this up and quoting that beautiful poem.

        I’m feeling better now and greatly appreciate the camaraderie.

  13. Shamik Banerjee

    Great piece, Michael! There are so many creative phrases here that compel one to start penning humourous verse—”pool of red revisions”, “wade in criticism’s rains” and indeed the short, funny lead-in! Thank you and thanks to your editor who unknowingly steered you towards a new word!

    Reply
    • Michael Pietrack

      Shamik, thanks for quoting a few lines. When an editor redlines something you love, it’s like a fallen comrade. I’m sure you know the feeling. I am really grateful that you dropped a note. All the best!

      Reply

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