.

April Fools’ Day is Dead

I’m sad to say this merry day’s no more.
It died alongside guts and grit and glee.
Insanity (now writ in twisted lore)
Makes plain to those of saner brain that we
Are spinning in a sphere that’s so bizarre
No prank could match the madness sold as sense.
When guys are gals because they wear a bra
And mention of their balls will cause offense
Hilarity is far from in the pink.
Bewhiskered chicks have pricked the giggle bubble.
Swells of pregnant men have made me think—
No wonder this famed day is under rubble.
When life’s a stubbled mother of a hoax
It tops the most uproarious of jokes.

.

.

Susan Jarvis Bryant has poetry published on Lighten Up Online, Snakeskin, Light, Sparks of Calliope, and Expansive Poetry Online. She also has poetry published in TRINACRIA, Beth Houston’s Extreme Formal Poems anthology, and in Openings (anthologies of poems by Open University Poets in the UK). Susan is the winner of the 2020 International SCP Poetry Competition, and has been nominated for the 2022 Pushcart Prize.


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52 Responses

  1. Warren Bonham

    Yet another innocent victim of the excesses of the Left. I don’t know if you’re a fan of the Babylon Bee (“fake news you can trust”), but I’ve heard them talk about how much harder it is now to generate fake news headlines as reality is becoming more and more unbelievable every day. Job well done!

    Reply
    • Joshua C. Frank

      I don’t care for the Babylon Bee, precisely because the world has gone so crazy that I truly can’t tell the difference between these and actual headlines. At some point, it stopped being funny because it was too close to reality.

      I know I have to really go all-out to write recognizable satire.

      Reply
    • Susan Jarvis Bryant

      Warren, you are right, and yes, I was a fan of the Babylon Bee… and now I think every MSM outlet has stolen their headlines! I know you most certainly have a keen eye on what is going on and I thank you for bringing it to attention in your poetry.

      Reply
  2. Sally Cook

    When leaving my doctor’s one day
    I said I fear my cane is gay
    Why is that? someone spoke;
    That’s an improper joke
    They’re the best ones, I’d say
    Just look at the way
    They’ve ruined our language today.

    Reply
    • Susan Jarvis Bryant

      Sally – I love it… so amusing and so darn true. We live in a mad, bad world! I’m thrilled you’re still smiling, my friend.

      Reply
  3. Phil S. Rogers

    Despite all the memes and political jokes, there seems to be more of an underlying dread of what our future may be. The humor is quickly gone. Thank you Susan. Have a great April Fools’ day.

    Reply
    • Susan Jarvis Bryant

      Phil, thank you! You are right. I feel that same dread. It’s impossible to ignore. I believe that is why the truth is so important. It weakens that dread. It makes those being gaslighted constantly feel sane, and that counts for a lot in a world gone crazy.

      Reply
  4. Joshua C. Frank

    Susan, this one is great! It’s so true… the world has turned into a prank, and only the Deep State is laughing. Any other prank is anticlimactic; how funny is it to ask a random stranger if his refrigerator is running, when the country isn’t running anymore?

    I notice they don’t make a lot of comedy movies anymore, at least not the kind we had in the ’80s and ’90s.

    Reply
    • Susan Jarvis Bryant

      Josh, thank you! Thank goodness we both know the Deep State won’t be laughing forever… history tells us it never ends well for those who think they’ll create heaven on earth if they play God. And yes, I have noticed comedy is on the decline. These days great new movies are few and far between and the filmmakers are investing in remakes of old films to get the ever-dwindling audiences interested. When creativity meets with integrity Hollywood will be back on track… I think I hear you laughing.

      Reply
    • Joseph S. Salemi

      Josh, it’s even worse than that. Stand-up comedians simply have no work anymore, because it is impossible for them to put together a script or a comedy sketch that will not send some left-liberal jackass into a righteous rage. When every little self-proclaimed “victim” is searching all over the place for some “slight’ or “microaggression” or “offensive remark” that he can howl about, then comedy becomes impossible.

      As Castiglione pointed out centuries ago, every joke must have a target or victim or “butt.” If you’re not allowed make fun of anyone, you can’t have comedy.

      Reply
      • Joshua C. Frank

        Wow. However bad things are, they’re always worse than I can even imagine.

  5. Jeff Kemper

    A wonderful poem, Susan! One problem: No jest, mockery, or condemnation is strong enough for this lunacy. Your poem is about as close as we can get.

    Reply
    • Susan Jarvis Bryant

      Thank you very much, Jeff. That’s a great compliment in these insane days. I know you’re right… but I’ll keep trying. You never know, my words may become flesh and kick this whole insane debacle into the pits of hell where it belongs. Senseless pessimism is my default setting. 🙂

      Reply
    • Susan Jarvis Bryant

      Rohini, it’s always a pleasure to hear from you… and what an alliterative delight of a comment. Thank you!

      Reply
  6. Roy Eugene Peterson

    The jokers jokes no longer are funny, the fools who became kings and princes are now walking with those who became queens and princesses, and morality has been stomped into the morass! You are right about April Fools’ Day being dead. In fact, any such jokes these days would be condemned by the left as hate speech!

    Reply
    • Susan Jarvis Bryant

      Roy, the fun is being sucked out of everything. The only laughter allowed by our overlords is the mocking of the straight, white patriarchy… we have seen it in adverts and films for years. It’s up to us to turn that around, which is why I love the humorous poems in the comments section that complement my April Fools’ Day poem. As ever Roy, thank you very much indeed.

      Reply
  7. Joseph S. Salemi

    The open celebration of sexual self mutilation is a sign of deep social sickness. In the ancient world, the cult of Cybele insisted that its all-male members had to castrate themselves. Catullus wrote a horrifying poem about it, clearly stating that it was a result of madness.

    Susan’s poem has prompted me to write two limericks:

    A guy who renamed himself Annie
    Insisted that he was a trannie.
    I said to him, “Pal,
    You won’t pass as a gal–
    You don’t have a broad enough fanny.”

    His rage was intense, and oh man, he
    Was struck with a fury uncanny.
    He slathered his ass
    With cement and dry grass–
    He can’t be a fellow now, can he?

    Reply
    • Joshua C. Frank

      I’ve got one:

      There once was a man named Stanley
      Who didn’t want to be manly.
      He went on a bender
      Of living transgender,
      And now he can’t have a family!

      Reply
    • Susan Jarvis Bryant

      Joe, it’s increasingly evident that we have slipped back into the barbarous days of ancient history taking our brainwashed children along with us to face the mutilation of sterilization with a smile. It couldn’t get much sicker. I think your hilarious limericks could serve as the litmus test for insanity… the harder one laughs the less insane they are. Thank you!

      Reply
  8. Mia

    Dear Susan
    it seems that you have inspired quite a few of us. Although how I think I can post anything with the quality of poems here is beyond me,
    but once again…

    April Fool

    I believed in democracy
    And freedom of speech,
    Believed that politicians knew
    How to govern with justice and truth.

    I believed in hard work
    So much so I lost my sleep,
    That I wasn’t owned a thing,
    Of my own home and earning my keep.

    I believed in respect
    And not upsetting my hosts,
    Always grateful to be left alone
    To pray and to build and to roam.

    Now they believe I’m an old dinosaur,
    A worrywart who cannot abide change,
    A bigot who clings to the past and to faith,
    -An April fool, alas not a sage.

    Reply
    • Susan Jarvis Bryant

      Mia, thank you very much for your common-sense eye and your poem – a poem that I am certain will connect with many. The beauty of this poetry site is there are a lot of like minds. The one world order would have you believe you are in a minority with your viewpoints, when you’re not. Every time we stand up, every time we speak out, every time we honor the truth, every time we honor our culture, we are much stronger… especially together. We should never let those in power divide those who are looking to the same ends… we may be on different paths to those ends. We may differ in minor issues. But we must never lose sight of the fact we’re on the same side… that of the truth. And the truth of the matter is a man cannot be a woman and a woman cannot be a man. There is no such thing as a “transgender”. It’s about time we all started to say just that before procreation stops at the next generation. This is all about depopulation – NOT care.

      Reply
  9. Cynthia Erlandson

    Good one, Susan! It’s frustrating that it’s the leftists who have no sense of humor. Hurray for those like you who still find ways to write good satire. We need to hold on to our humor and keep on being the ones who can actually laugh.

    Reply
    • Susan Jarvis Bryant

      Cynthia, we need to laugh in the face of every sick sourpuss on the planet… laughter will triumph! As ever, thank you very much for your wonderful words of support and encouragement.

      Reply
  10. Brian A. Yapko

    Having now heard the words “prick the giggle bubble”, Susan, I will never be able to unhear them!

    What a hilarious satiric poem this is, Susan, with a simple message — the truth is madder than any April Fool’s practical joke. This message not only resonates but pulsates and vibrates madly on a day which should celebrate innocent tomfoolery (a word which should no doubt be canceled for its clear male bias). But how do you celebrate once-a-year insanity when every day of the year is insane? Perhaps we now need to call for a national day of sanity. It can take over April 1st — the day after our solemn day of Transgender Visibility on which children no doubt celebrated their future mutilations by hunting for rainbow eggs in the parking lots of their sex reassignment doctors… Argh… your poem makes me laugh. But its subject matter pisses me off. Our society has allowed an angry mob of the mentally ill to take front and center, with all important decisions now relegated to their welfare, which is now triaged as of paramount concern to our culture. And then they wonder why Americans are so unhappy and why there are so many suicides in this country. We teach children to hate who and what they are. Isn’t that highly evolved and so, so nice of us?

    Reply
    • Susan Jarvis Bryant

      Brian, I was laughing when I wrote the “prick the giggle bubble” line. I will admit, I never suffer for my art. I leave that to those with a sense-of-humor bypass who think mutilation of minors is social justice and the lesser-to-never-spotted hairy toad is more important than Granny.

      Your National Day of Sanity observations are a laugh-out-loud hoot, tinged by the fact that the Whitehouse loon is probably drawing up a plan for the rainbow egg hunt in the parking lots of their sex reassignment doctors as I type. Perhaps anyone championing such a move could answer me this: if genitals don’t define gender, how does removing them affirm it?

      If your closing lines on insanity and hate fail to make the heart of anyone reading them bleed for our children… then they have no heart. Brian, thank you very much indeed!

      Reply
  11. Yael

    “Bewhiskered chicks have pricked the giggle bubble” is an inspired line Susan. I just can’t imagine how you can keep coming up with these.
    RIP April Fool’s Day, long live April Fool’s Day, every single day of the year from now until Armageddon. Did you ever watch the movie Idiocracy? Did you ever think you would get to live in it?

    Reply
    • Susan Jarvis Bryant

      Yael, I’m glad you liked that line. Sadly, lines like that pop into my head every day. The day my Muse ignores them is the day sanity has been restored… let us all hope it comes sooner rather than later. You have Mike and me interested in Idiocracy… we haven’t seen it. I think it may have moved from ‘Comedy/Sci-Fi to the Documentary section. Yael, as ever, thank you!!

      Reply
  12. Mark Stellinga

    Susan, you have a knack for simultaneously embedding fury & hilarity in my head. Thank you so much, you little nuisance! 🙂 Excellent piece. And here, once more, is the piece I mentioned in my last ‘comment’ that seemed a tad too spicy for fresh-to-the-site SCPers. ‘Hi’ to Mike.

    An ‘Authentic Mother’ Intervenes! (Sanitized)

    “Hi there, honey…how’d ya’ like to sit on Linda’s lap?”
    the horny drag-queen queried young Belinda Vanderbut!
    Belinda – only five years old – perused him up and down,
    then parried — “If you promise me you’ll keep your — you-know-what –

    “Down inside your underpants, and not ask me touch it…
    and both my parents tell me it’s OK – I’ll climb aboard.”
    “That ain’t gonna happen, kid,” the pervert fired back…
    “and just the fact your folks are here confirms they’re both on board!

    “Every youngster, boy or girl, from four to ten years old,
    needs to learn the basic ins-an’-outs of having sex,
    And every worthwhile parent will, at some point, pay the price
    for every chance at ‘teaching them’ that he or she neglects!

    “Me and Crystal came today to clearly demonstrate
    things that even kids can do – things you’ll learn are fun,
    And all adults who go along with what we feel is best
    will one day kiss our you-know-whats for all the good we’ve done!”

    He grabbed her arm and pulled her up, then added…”Is it true
    you’ve never sucked a penis? If it is – it’s time you did!
    The school board staff an’ both your folks believe — as ‘Draggers’ do —
    there’s nothing more important than – the ‘molding’ of ones kid!

    “Guarded from – ‘the facts of life’, we feel – when only parents
    teach them what they need to know they wind up – unprepared,
    And we, as ‘Queens’, believe the harm this – ‘innocence’ – precipitates
    is rife with maladjustments that go, often, unrepaired!

    “It’s time you get acquainted with the warm and fuzzy body parts
    that help to form relationships…you’re very close to six!
    The tiny slit between your thighs – which grown-ups call – the ‘****’ –
    is where – on little girls – the boys most often put their – ‘******’!”

    Maneuvering young Belinda’s hand to grope his open crotch –
    grinning at her frightened face, her eyes agape with shock –
    He spread his nylon covered knees – gathered up his skirt –
    then wrestled down his panties to expose his hardened ****.

    “Help yourself,” he coaxed the child…”you’ll like it – trust me, hon…
    sucking **** is something every kid must learn to do.
    It’s usually done by females, but it’s also fun with guys –
    and what and who you choose to suck is strictly up to you!”

    This was where my burning fuse would reach the bomb I was…
    desperate for the ‘Justice” I was frantic to impose!
    This was when the percolating anger in my bosom
    wildly boiled over and we fin’ly came to blows!

    Glancing back and forth between her parents and the queen,
    I wrestled back the child and placed her gently to the side,
    Then – SO incensed…despite the bastard’s cold, defiant eyes –
    clearly undeterred by my response to what he’d tried –

    In my rage, I pummeled him in every way I knew!
    And – not the least concerned with how the other patrons felt –
    Once the freak-in-womens-garb had flown the coop in fear,
    (his face an ‘abstract painting’ and…you should have seen the welt),

    Still in full blown ‘mother-mode’ I charged his only comrade,
    keen to likewise kick his ass, assuming he’d resist…
    But I – a true, authentic mom rejoiced to see his partner
    flee the scene, submitting to — a point he hadn’t missed!

    ‘RIGHT’- along with common sense, had – this time – intervened…
    so what they’d hoped would happen never did – ’cause I was there…
    And every sleazy ‘groomer’ would be prudent in remembering –
    the rearing of a child of mine’s a chore I’ll never share!

    Reply
    • Joshua C. Frank

      Mark, this is quite a powerful poem… but I have to say I find the last line very revealing (perhaps this was intended to make a point). The speaker, a mother, says, “The rearing of a child of mine’s a chore I’ll never share.” The implication, at least for me, is that she means not even with the child’s father.

      Thanks to feminism, many mothers believe that their children are theirs alone, that the role of father is peripheral at best… because feminism teaches that maleness is inherently oppressive to women, and so the only thing men can do is get out of the way so women can claim all the privilege they naturally possess but maleness can only suppress. (I’m indebted to Michael Warren Davis for this one.)

      And then people wonder why so many men are trying to “become” women. It’s because the left has shoved them out of their natural role, and there’s no place to go but through the one back door the left offers.

      It shows how hypocritical anti-trans feminists are. It’s like shooting someone and then yelling at him for bleeding.

      Reply
      • Mark Stellinga

        Joshua, I perceive ‘rearing a child’ to be, as often as possible, a 100% authentic Mother & Father team effort. Like a mother Grizzly, this brave mother is not willing to accept nurturing advice or help from the sort she’s chasing off, while her male mate would certainly do the very same were she not there to protect her offspring. A ‘true’ mother always fiercely protects her young, fathers TYPICALLY only when they’ve stick around to do so.

      • Joshua C. Frank

        I don’t know what your problem is, but I wasn’t trying to debate you. I was considering what the speaker was saying with the last line, and I thought that might have been part of your point.

    • Mia

      ‘Glancing back and forth between her parents and the queen,
      I wrestled back the child and placed her gently to the side,’

      but this women wasn’t the child’s parent at all. In the poem the parents are
      allowing this to happen.

      I am sorry am I the only one who finds this whole poem very problematic.
      With regret, I have to say that just as we should condemn the parents for allowing this, we should also condemn ourselves for accepting this.
      There are young people who have been actually abused, there are young people who look for classical poetry and I really think that this is not the sort of poem one should find here.
      it is like reading porn. I am sorry but there it is. Not like a slapstick limerick which is acceptable . This is more than that.
      I do not want to upset anyone. My opinion is that it should be kept as a private poem.
      what do others think?

      Reply
      • Joshua C. Frank

        I find myself inclined to agree with you. In addition, I don’t think we should be writing our own poems in the comments and subverting the editorial process (unless it’s Susan, of course, because anything she writes is good).

    • Mia

      Thank you Joshua.
      I am guilty of writing poems too, and subverting the editorial process as you say. Do I do that more than most? It doesn’t even matter if it is wrong it is wrong and I would be the first one to stand corrected.

      But I have stuck my neck out here, I do not wish to be unkind to anyone. If we shouldn’t write any poems at all as a comment though it is a little drastic. Some are rather good if mine are not. Why does it have to be all or nothing.

      I am very sorry Mark I have nothing against you. In fact I have read your excellent poems on this site. And of course , apologies to Susan also.
      Please delete my comments if you think I have been too judgemental.
      But I thought SCP does not mind people saying it how it is.
      But I am not the editor. What chutzpah!

      Reply
      • Joshua C. Frank

        Why not just submit them to Evan for publication?

        I know I’ve been guilty of it a few times, but I find myself thinking it might take too much attention from the poet.

      • Mia

        Dear Joshua, come to think of it most of mine are in the challenge sections or Haiku that is why I was confused originally. Less than a handful? on other peoples pages over the years. So not as bad as I feared. Also that any feeble attempt of mine would distract from Susan’s magnificent work is inconceivable to me. On the other hand a proper poem that may distract perhaps should go through the proper channels.
        There are a few poems before my effort also. Sometimes a poem just writes itself so to speak and poems I really wish to write never happen. Also the theme of April Fool is lighter , I wouldn’t dream of intruding on more serious work such as Easter for example.
        Now I could state more reasons for my original objection but here I will stop for fear of that being distracting.
        Additionally do you remember I commented once that I had a poem I could have posted on your page but was worried as to whether it was appropriate to do so and you commented back-to feel free at anytime you would take it as a compliment.

      • Joshua C. Frank

        That was different. I considered it an honor. But I don’t know that everyone will.

        My thinking is that a poem that’s good enough needs to be sent in and published, not hidden in a comment.

      • Mia

        Yes you are right of course. I think I will take the tip that you give on another thread. That is that you rarely engage in comments but concentrate on your poems. And you have composed some really excellent work. So perhaps I should try and spend more of my time improving my poetry.
        ps are you saying that you think my poems are good enough to be published. Because I cannot get them to be classical enough. But thank you if you are. You have certainly got me thinking, I should either compose good enough poems or not post at all unless it is an actual challenge. Better still take up knitting…

      • Joshua C. Frank

        I’m saying that I’m not the one to judge whether these are “good enough” to be published here. Evan makes that call. Plenty are published that I wouldn’t have chosen, and plenty of great ones are rejected; in fact, I have some published in New English Review that were rejected here but loved by most of my readers. The decision to accept a poem for publication is very subjective.

        Thank you for your compliment.

  13. Joseph S. Salemi

    Well, my general opinion is that all censorship of literary and artistic works is wrong. I can understand perhaps excluding certain things from the attention of very small children…. but then again, this isn’t a site for very small children. This is an adult site for sophisticated appreciators of traditional poetry.

    Whatever “young” readers we have are adolescents with some experience in the world of poetry. They are old enough not to get upset about some sexy stuff.

    You are worrying too much about the “snowflakes’ and the “wilting flowers.” When that kind of attitude gets backed up by censorship and legal sanction, you get the world of Anthony Comstock, or the anti-sex feminists.

    That’s what I think.

    Reply
    • Mia

      I really value and respect your opinion.
      Apologies again to both Mark and Susan.

      Reply
      • Mark Stellinga

        No apology necessary, Mia, this piece is a scorcher without question, but Joe is right. The SCP has posted pieces with the same disturbing content many times, but rarely, for lack of a better term, this raw & succinctly. And, for the record, ya’all, as you might have deduced, I was asked to post it *within the comments* by an extremely prominent SCPer. 🙂 I appreciate your input. Nice to know you’ve enjoyed my other work. I write very little political verse as I tend to *say it like it is*, naughty words or not.
        All the best,
        Mark

      • Joshua C. Frank

        Thank you for setting the record straight.

    • Mia

      Dear Mark, thank you for your very gracious reply. I too tend to say it like it is, so we have something in common. My only concern was that the poem invokes an image of a small child. And it is a very vivid image. Well done you as a poet. But- I think that just as we can draw pictures, we paint a picture with words as far as poetry is concerned and just as perhaps we wouldn’t post such a visual image vis a vis a drawing or a photograph then perhaps the subject is far to sensitive to describe in a poem. (goodness I am not explaining it very well but I think you understand what I mean)
      Just as most people would not wish to ever witness something so abhorrent, I think by putting it in writing it somehow brings it into the realm of, oh well it happens. Pardon me , this is only my opinion of course.
      Inadvertently also your poem may be a catalyst for an excellent debate. And a pertinent one. We live in a democracy and we value freedom of speech. But it is precisely why we must have boundaries. Otherwise we get the situation where a group, the left let us say, has been allowed to flourish to the point of destroying the very culture that gave it its freedom!
      So that is why it is important to have discussions. My extreme thanks goes to SCP for the forum it provides. I think all of us are trying to find a way of navigating what is going on in the world now. So in many ways it is not about us, but it is about a wider purpose. That is my excuse anyway , for blundering in and I am sticking to it. Plus, talk about being in mother-mode..
      thank you again and best wishes
      Mia
      pls the opposite may happen of course. People might wake up and think a bit more. If this is the case it would be very interesting to see what others think.
      I am aware this is Susan’s page. But we know how hard Susan fights for what she believes in and that is why I am confident that Susan understands even if she may not agree with me.

      Reply
      • Susan Jarvis Bryant

        Mia, please know there is no need to apologize, and I have no problem with anyone posting their own poems and opinions in the comments section. I am always ready to engage in debate… unless it becomes clear that there is no room for debate because the person “debating” is an idealogue with no interest in anything other than their own personal ideology. Every poet has the right to have comments removed… if the comments are still here, it’s because I want them here. I may not like or agree with comments – but I believe (unless for the reason stated above) communication is key to moving forward in a world that’s sinking back into the dark ages. I thank you all for an interesting discussion.

  14. Mike Bryant

    Percentage of folks fooled on April Fools Day = 3%
    Percentage of folks fooled on Election Day = 96%

    Reply
    • Susan Jarvis Bryant

      Mike, please tell me this is an April Fools’ joke… it’s too grim to be real.

      Reply
  15. Daria Mae

    Hello, I’m a young poet and I have been reading all of your poems and replies in comment sections and I love learning from all of you! 😀

    Reply
  16. David Whippman

    Well said as ever, Susan. Watching the news, I find it easy to believe that every day is April 1! Especially in Scotland, where one can now be arrested for things said in the home to family.

    Reply

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