.

Phone Home

I often talk to radio astronomers,
The kind of guys who like to stay anonymous,
Who chew on reams of stellar data every day
From objects, many million, zillion miles away.

In England’s fields, we have the famous Jodrell Bank;
This mighty dish could hold a thousand Sherman tanks.
The quest: to find the Guardians of the Galaxy,
Just like it’s done for over half a century.

Now, every Friday night its boffins head for home,
And leave the mighty telescope out there alone.
It never sleeps, the constant stream of data fed
From nebulae and planets passing overhead.

Now, on a dark and starry, cold November night,
It picked up on a signal that was clear and bright.
Out from a vast cacophony of background stars,
A mobile phone was messaging from distant Mars.

“Please book your next vacation on Olympus Mons,
Or cruise our red canals, we care for everyone’s
Enjoyment in our Martian land of rust and dust.
Come on, what are you waiting for? You know you must.”

Well, back on Earth, there’s many folk who have a dread
Of guys of green antennae sticking from their heads,
Those harbingers of doom and gloom with tales to tell,
Respecting now the memory of H.G. Wells.

And so, the mob with pitchfork, sword and dynamite,
Descended on old Jodrell Bank that fateful night.
The mighty dish came crashing down, the mob now flew,
Out to the local Inn to share a pint or two.

The moral of this tale is clear for all who roam,
There really isn’t any place as good as home.

.

boffins: scientists
Olympus Mons: the tallest mountain on Mars and in the solar system.

.

.

Jeff Eardley lives in the heart of England near to the Peak District National Park and is a local musician playing guitar, mandolin and piano steeped in the music of America, including the likes of Ry Cooder, Paul Simon, and particularly Hank Williams.

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19 Responses

  1. Roy Eugene Peterson

    I love your enchanting story, Jeff. What a great way to bring home the point there is no place like home. I assume you might be one of those who goes “Out to the local Inn to share a pint or two.”

    Reply
    • Jeff Eardley

      Thanks Roy, there’s a pint from me next time you are over. Thanks for the comment.

      Reply
  2. Allegra Silberstein

    What a wonderful lift from the doom and gloom we sometimes see and hear…loved your story…Thank you!

    Reply
    • Jeff Eardley

      Thanks Allegra. We have doom and gloom in spades over here.

      Reply
  3. Paul A. Freeman

    I love how you’ve wound Jodrell Bank into the ethos of H.G. Wells’ War of the Worlds (the first alien invasion novel), and the Orson Wells radio play based on the book – which many Americans thought was truly happening.

    In the film of the radio show reaction, a bunch of rural folk took out a water tower, which I guess maybe was your inspiration for the latter part of the poem.

    If you’re an H.G. Wells fan, Jeff, I once contacted the H.G. Wells Society over the similarities between Woody Allen’s classic comedy film ‘Sleeper’, and the not-so-well-known Wells’ book ‘The Sleeper Awakes’. The Society had to contact their most avid Wells aficionado, who confirmed the unlikely connection.

    Thanks for the read – I’ve been a fan of Mars ever since the Viking missions to Mars in the late 70s.

    Reply
    • Jeff Eardley

      Thanks Paul. I recall a TV series called “My Favourite Martian” the star of which had antennae sticking out of his head. Jodrell Bank could detect a mobile phone on Mars, which was the inspiration for this. Thanks for your kind comment.

      Reply
  4. Margaret Coats

    What a smashing tale of Bank robbery! Jeff, you’ve added to the myth and folklore of a great institution. It’s most amusing to hear that the last straw for locals was the Bank’s reception and report of an advertisement for touristry on Mars. No wonder they needed to vanish the thought with a pint or two after crashing the mighty dish.

    Reply
    • Jeff Eardley

      Margaret, thank you for taking the time to comment. Jodrell Bank was teetering on the brink of financial collapse. Its saviour was the tracking of Sputnik 1 back in the day. To stand beneath it is an extraordinary experience.

      Reply
  5. C.B. Anderson

    I’m always up for a good sci-fi yarn, but this piece is more than that. The actual landscape might someday belong to Elon Musk, but for now every speculation is in the public domain. It is a bus ride to be remembered.

    Reply
    • Jeff Eardley

      Thanks CB. This gigantic structure leapt from the brain of Sir Bernard Lovell. A genius if ever there was one. I recall the day man stood on the moon, with the speculation that by the end of the century, we would be vacationing on Mars. How wrong was that.

      Reply
  6. Cynthia Erlandson

    I was pulled in right away with your first rhyme— anonymous astronomers— what a hoot! And I’m still smiling. Thanks for the needed humor today, Jeff!

    Reply
    • Jeff Eardley

      Thanks Cynthia. Your kind comment made me smile too. Best wishes.

      Reply
  7. Brian A. Yapko

    This poem is great fun, Jeff, with a sharp edge. The Martian references are great fun and remind me of my favorite science fiction author, Ray Bradbury and his “Martian Chronicles.” Your tour of Mars is indeed enticing and Olympus Mons is on my bucket list! You do realize it’s the largest and tallest volcano in the Solar System and that it’s the size of France?

    Reply
    • Jeff Eardley

      Thanks Brian. You would have to have a huge bucket if you fancy a trip to Olympus Mons.
      I think the image of Mars as an evil planet started with Holst’s amazing “Planets Suite” which is such an evocation of evil green men with death rays.
      Another quite scary UKTV series “Quatermass and the Pit” from the 1950s only added to the myth. Thanks for the comment.

      Reply
  9. Susan Jarvis Bryant

    Jeff, I love a quirky English tale especially if it’s written in thoroughly engaging, highly amusing lines of poetry with wonderful end rhymes. This marvel ticks all my boxes. Thank you, Jeff!

    Reply
    • Jeff Eardley

      Oh thanks Susan. Any comment from you, about anything I do, is to be treasured. I have all the others pasted on the bathroom wall. Best wishes to you and Mike.

      Reply
  10. Daniel Kemper

    My thoughts went immediately to Sagan who voiced the idea of the scientific community: If we had one message [just one, no matter how small], we’d concluded that there was extra-terrestrial life. [Life not-of-this-planet.]

    Apologist John Lennox frequently observes that DNA is a code–is the longest word ever, or in any case encyclopedia’s of words, of communications.

    What are those atheists waiting for !?

    Reply

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