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Motherly Motives

—of the 5% of American women
with 5 or more children

The greater good is motherhood.
Let wealth be vast and health ideal,
These blessings are not understood
To be too much. The dear appeal
Of children overfills the heart
With precious pearls of joy that seal
Romance through ardor they impart.

The costs are huge. No subsidy
Can compensate, but fresh success
Re-makes outworn identity.
There is no loss in openness
To life, for each self-sacrifice
Of time and status-consciousness
Earns a pearl of greatest price.

Adult fulfillment comes from work
No one else is able to do.
The mother of many cannot shirk
But lightens her duties, given to
All hands on a mission of unity.
Her jewels, a starlike retinue,
Attest to fruitful maturity.

Compassion is taught and learned at home,
Adjusting to one another’s need
Before responsible children roam
Where individual virtues lead.
Hardships that fate or state may hurl
Are sooner healed—or paid no heed—
When shared by many a priceless pearl.

For faith in one planner of destiny,
For lineage to last eternally,
For husband and sweetest harmony,
For children to grow up playfully,
Is why she nurtures half a score.
For another to love unselfishly,
The pearl of price she buys once more.

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Poet’s Note: The poem reflects a new book based on personal interviews with college-educated women. Hannah’s Children: The Women Quietly Defying the Birth Dearth, was written by Catherine Ruth Pakaluk, associate professor of economics and mother of eight.

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Margaret Coats lives in California.  She holds a Ph.D. in English and American Literature and Language from Harvard University.  She has retired from a career of teaching literature, languages, and writing that included considerable work in homeschooling for her own family and others.

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25 Responses

  1. Brian A. Yapko

    A compassionate poem, Margaret, which though directed to mothers who have more than 5 children, may really speak to motherhood in general. Mothers embody (we hope!) love and compassion in a way that those who do not pursue motherhood can never truly grasp. Your repeated and elaborated use of “pearl” as a symbol of the rewards of motherhood is a lovely choice — invoking the parable in Matthew and the price and rewards of heaven. But there is a literal aspect to the symbol — a pearl is formed when a grain of sand irritates the interior of an oyster and the oyster in turn coats the sand with nacre until a pearl is created. You hint but do not make the analogy fully explicit. Like the sand in the oyster, the pain of childbirth and the material and emotional costs of childbearing are ultimately rewarded with a child well-raised — “many a priceless pearl.”

    Reply
    • Margaret Coats

      Thanks, Brian, for your perceptive comment. The poem does picture an ideal of motherhood–and one that many mothers embody, whatever their number of children. But for the first time, because of the Pakaluk book’s qualitative study, one can speak precisely about motives leading a small number of women today to want and bear many children. I find the motives leading me and my husband to adopt two were similar. For mothers of large families, though, the “huge costs,” which are not money, require the re-making of “outworn identity.” I’ve seen and experienced something of that in homeschooling to help others for years after my children had finished school.

      Thanks as well for taking time and thought to develop the pearl image and symbolism. It does come from Matthew’s pearl of great price, which is worth more than anything else one could possibly possess. You add more than I had imagined explaining a mother’s process of pearl formation–certainly an important image for the upbringing of children!

      I’m also referring to an English medieval masterpiece, a long poem entitled “Pearl.” It contributes to my theme and stanza form as well as the significance of the image. I am, however, running out of time, so will expand on that later!

      Reply
      • Margaret Coats

        Please see below, following Adam Sedia’s comment and my response to him, for fuller meaning of the medieval English “Pearl” to this poem.

  2. Roy Eugene Peterson

    You find inspiration in amazing places. Women bearing multiple children is a statistic that must have declined significantly over the past century. As you know, children were often highly desired in order for farmers to continue to work their land and increase their yield. As an only child, I always wanted brothers and sisters like other families around me on their farms. On the other hand, it has been a blessing to me in other ways. Likening children to pearls is indeed an inspired way to view them.

    Reply
    • Margaret Coats

      Roy, thanks for your comments. You see some of the economics in the situation. Children used to help families with work according to their capacity–and when grown up they supported parents in old age. Now governments require children to labor at school, and governments support parents with old age benefits. Since women can do so much more with their time and talents than formerly, the major barrier to larger families is opportunities taken away from mothers.

      One child, or maybe two, is possible with the mother maintaining a career. In the book, most women agreed that the big jump was from three to four. After that the family is firmly committed to motherhood as the mother’s occupation. But most American families today never get to the stage where they might make the jump. No tax relief or child credit is large enough to pay a woman for giving up her non-mother identity–which is why policies to encourage births have never succeeded anywhere. Her motives have to be the better ones in the poem!

      Reply
  3. Paul A. Freeman

    I too enjoyed the image of the pearl, and the idea of a grain of sand growing into a thing of beauty.

    Reply
    • Margaret Coats

      Thank you, Paul. The image of the pearl for a child is classic to English literature because of the lengthy medieval work called “Pearl.” It is a dream-vision lament of a father for the death of a daughter about two years old (probably named “Margaret,” which means “pearl”). The poem is written in 20 sections of five stanzas each. Each stanza in the first section tells how the father lost a “precios perle wythouten spot.” The final section speaks of the “Prince’s pay” given by God to his servants, identifying this princely pay in the final line of the work as “precious pearls.” Good enough for me to write a five-stanza poem with the precious pearl image in each!

      Reply
  4. Russel Winick

    Margaret – I had the same reaction as Paul, and also enjoyed the line: “Hardships that fate or state may hurl.” Great topic!

    Reply
    • Margaret Coats

      Thank you, Russel! It is a great topic–to understand more about the mothers of larger families that are beneficial for many reasons, but uncommon and becoming yet more rare. The book I refer to is in fact the first study of their motives.

      Reply
  5. Anna J. Arredondo

    Hear hear! I appreciate your poem as both an honest assessment and joyful celebration of motherhood. 🙂

    Reply
    • Margaret Coats

      Anna, I know you understand the part about sacrificing identity. Your bio mentions your engineer education and your choice of home schooling, which is motherhood intensified. Thanks for your appreciation from a fellow poet who willingly made that part of me low priority for a very long time.

      Reply
  6. Warren Bonham

    You are doing your part to make motherhood cool again. Producing even one or two pearls is an indicator of a life well lived. Five does sound very chaotic, but now that I’m an empty nester, I miss the chaos that comes from polishing pearls. Extremely well crafted as always

    Reply
    • Margaret Coats

      Thanks, Warren. In “make motherhood cool again,” I hear an echo of a certain political slogan! “The Character of the Nation” is the title of the conclusion to the book I reference in this poem. A main point is that children who contribute at home (in the varied ways they do in large families) feel useful and positive about themselves. They are more likely to go on to greater usefulness, and the nation benefits early from their upbringing in charity and duty. You are right, of course, that one or two child-pearls is an indicator of a life well lived. The Holy Family was th most blessed of all families with one.

      Reply
  7. Julian D. Woodruff

    I look at my 3 daughters, mothers of 14 (one with only 4, the oldest 4, the youngest twins, 7 months), these cooks, janitors, home-schoolers, students, etc., but most of all instillers and guardians of their children’s faith, and I simply don’t see how they do it. Thank you for this vibrant tribute, Margaret.

    Reply
    • Margaret Coats

      Thank you, Julian, for telling of these admirable mothers you and your wife raised. The survey of 55 such mothers found this level of commitment and self-sacrifice spanning race, class, income, residence, and other disparities, but the one thing 100% of these women have is faith. As you say, they exercise above all their other good works the mission of instilling and guarding the faith of the next generation.

      Reply
  8. Laura Lesinski

    Your subject matter hit home, Margaret. As a mother to six pearls, now grown, I reflect on when they were young and full of energy and mischief, and how I too was young and felt lucky to be their mother. No, not always easy…life is never that way…but God in his infinite wisdom makes childbearing years to be in that window of time when we are the healthiest and bravest! I am often asked how I managed to homeschool all of them from K-12, and i smile honestly and say…I really don’t know. There’s no real secret. It’s something you do with all your heart.
    My six pearls are my life. They always have been. I love them now more than i ever have. I share a unique bond with each one. I treasure our times together and am rewarded by who they’ve become as adults.
    Great writing, Margaret, as always.

    Reply
    • Margaret Coats

      Great writing, Laura! The childbearing years can indeed be the healthiest and bravest times of a woman’s life, forming unique bonds of love that last forever. God bless you and Dan and your treasures. Thank you for appreciating the poem. I’m honored by your confirming response, but then you too are a writer of verse, with family as your central subject, during this season of the year.

      Reply
  9. L Deagon

    Lovely comments on those noble women of the past and of today who embrace motherhood of many children, regardless of whether their intention or not. I got a nostalgic feeling with your poem because most of my aunts & uncles had 5+, and then it ended with my generation. I’ve always thought it sad.

    Reply
    • Margaret Coats

      Thanks for your comment! It is sad that our generation seems end-stopped–but this minority of women who keep embracing motherhood (over and over!) assures us that noble motives continue. One reason the author of “Hannah’s Children” interviewed only college-educated women was to show they made the choice of children despite having other possibilities. This is hope for the nation and the world as the “birth dearth” becomes global.

      Reply
  10. Daniel Tuton

    Margaret, this is a winsome, patient retort to every mother of with many children who has endured judgmental looks and dismissive attitudes by people who don’t understand the deep blessing of motherhood. It reminds me of a number of dear friends. Nicely written!

    Reply
    • Margaret Coats

      Thank you, Daniel. “Blessing” is a word used very often in the book to which I refer. One of the mothers pointed out that few persons would consider themselves to have too many blessings. Why then “too many” children? You are right, of course, that mothers and fathers of large families today may be looked down upon. But the idea that a “population bomb” would destroy the world has been entirely discredited as rich countries rely on immigration to have enough workers. The blessing of children is felt by nations as much as by families.

      Reply
  11. Adam Sedia

    This is a touching and heartwarming poem that treads where few poets go (and praises what most contemporary “mainstream” poets likely abhor). It is a long overdue paean to those who give life most generously.

    I was particularly struck by the line “Hardships that fate or state may hurl.” Here you pull no punches about the government’s effect on the family, no different from natural disaster (I am reminded of a similar phrase: “death and taxes”).

    Reply
    • Margaret Coats

      Thank you, Adam. When few poets would take up a subject, it’s important that it be treated with an effective appeal to the hearts of readers willing to give it attention. Thanks a second time for yours. The “fate or state” remark reflects disastrous damage that either can do. Though there is a limited role for government in real cases of child abuse, interference in family life (which can legally begin with an anonymous tip) too often brings unnecessary suffering to everyone involved. When the natural disaster of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome strikes, for example, grieving parents are homicide suspects who lose possession of their child’s body, and cannot arrange a funeral, until they are cleared. I spoke so very little in this poem of the “shadow of death” hanging over mothers, but it is there and certainly affects their motives for mothering. I’ve seen it work both ways: increasing the desire for another child soon after a loss, and putting off thoughts of another while the pain endures. But to end this happily, as I said in the poem, family members help one another adjust to just about anything, more often sharing joys!

      Reply
  12. Margaret Coats

    This continues my response to Brian Yapko, and treats especially the themes of the medieval “Pearl” poem in relation to this one.

    As I remarked to Adam Sedia, there is a shadow of death over mothers. With miscarriage, stillbirth, sudden infant death, and childhood accidents, it saddens lives and families much more often than it is spoken about. Thinking of this for just a moment, I’m surprised at the number of women I know who’ve passed through the valley of the shadow. It was discussed several times in the Pakaluk book, where interviewees rather than investigator usually determined what to discuss.

    The medieval “Pearl” was written and is spoken by a father who lost a child about two years of age. He is at first deeply distraught. The poem has the character of a lament in several of its discrete sections. But it is also a dream vision in which the father meets and speaks to his young daughter, though they are separated by a stream representing the boundary between this world and the next. The girl, having been baptized and now forever happy in virginal innocence, gives her father an articulate explanation of the ineffable joys of heaven. Overcome by desire for these joys and for closeness to her, the father attempts to cross the stream. The daughter is able to give him a thorough theological lesson about his role in life and the need for him to accept God’s will. Remember, she was two years old!

    This has a lot to say about parents learning from children, even from those children whose earthly life with them is not long. The loss of a child can be a turn toward heaven for the parent. Earthly sorrow is not at all minimized: the child has lost an irreplaceable opportunity to live for God, love others, and merit his or her rewards. “Pearl” shows, however, the greatness achieved through God’s gift of divine life to a child in the sacrament of baptism. The parent stands in awe and hopes all the more for blissful re-union.

    My choice of the pearl of great price as an image for a child refers to all of the above for any reader who will think of it.

    Reply
    • Margaret Coats

      And the form of my poem is adapted from that of “Pearl.” The medieval poem has sections of five 12-line stanzas each, where the rhyme scheme is abab[ababb]cbc. Square brackets enclose lines I’ve taken out to make a 7-line stanza of ababcbc. I have only one group of five stanzas (not twenty sections with a total of 100 stanzas!), and I’m more casual about linking stanzas. In the medieval poem, the last word in each stanza of any particular section is the same. Instead, I have the word “pearl” (once substituting “jewel”), near the end of each stanza. My form overall is a small salute to the medieval masterpiece.

      Reply

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