‘Don’t Call Me Shirley’ and Other Poetry by Brian Yapko

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Don’t Call Me Shirley

A Comic Homage

Robert Hayes as reluctant pilot Ted Striker: “Surely you can’t be serious!”
Leslie Nielsen as Dr. Rumack: “I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley.”
(From “Airplane!” screenplay by Jim Abrahams, David Zucker, Jerry Zucker)

I said to him, “But surely that’s not right.”
“It is!” he said. “And please don’t call me Shirley.”
“Alright, my friend,” I said. “Don’t get uptight
Or let your mood become too crass and churly
Or surely you’ll regret what’s said in spite.”
“No, spite,” he said. “But please don’t call me Shirley
Unless you want to get into a fight!”
“I don’t,” I said. “No need for hurly burly.
How ‘bout we just go out and get a bite?
You surely must be starved. That’s why you’re surly.”
He said, “You think I’m surly out of spite?
Not quite, but I must say I’m getting squirrely
Because I nicely ask you all polite
Yet you ignore me and still call me Shirley.”
“I’m so confused!” I said. “Must you ignite
My anger now when I speak so demurely
Each time you carp? How can I fix this plight?
I know. Let’s get away. We could leave early
Just for a lark. I’ll treat you to a flight
To Vegas. Blackjack. Shows risqué and girlie.
That surely ought to prove that I’m contrite!”
“A Vegas trip on you? Heck yeah! Alright!
That’s surely worth the price. Just call me Shirley!”

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Little Me

The gadget that I built—the smallifier—
Went mad! The dials spun, the floor shook, all
The furniture grew large, the ceiling higher;
And once it stopped, I’d shrunk to one inch tall!

Three days have passed. I’m smaller than a cork
Trapped in a nightmare waiting for my wife.
I wish she’d end her visit to New York
And help restore me to my full-sized life!

It’s quite a challenge—that’s to say the least—
When smallified so much you’re just a smidge!
You’d think a little food would mean a feast
But I can’t even open up the fridge.

A mountain of fresh fruit is on the table
Comprised of oranges, some figs and grapes.
I pick at them the best that I am able
Intimidated by their monstrous shapes.

I’m very grateful we don’t have a cat
Because I then would prove an easy meal.
I fear the fruit-fly—bigger than a bat!
It circles me as if I were fresh veal.

I have no way to even use my phone
Which I set up for thumb-print execution—
A feature worse than useless had I known
I’d need it most when I turned Lilliputian.

The little woman comes home in the morning.
The man she wed? I’m not one-tenth that chap!
I somehow must convey to her a warning
So I don’t end up crushed in some mishap.

There’s two good things about becoming small
And entering this wonderland like Alice:
If I should trip I don’t have far to fall;
And now my house is bigger than a palace!

To live this small I easily conceal
Myself in spots you giants cannot see.
But life in hiding seems a strange ideal
When all I long to say sounds wan and wee.

The time has come to be right-sized once more
And not allow myself to be degraded.
A man who’s meek and mouse-sized cannot roar.
To live as if Tom Thumb is overrated.

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Brian Yapko is a retired lawyer whose poetry has appeared in over fifty journals.  He is the winner of the 2023 SCP International Poetry Competition. Brian is also the author of several short stories, the science fiction novel El Nuevo Mundo and the gothic archaeological novel  Bleeding Stone.  He lives in Wimauma, Florida.