.

Never Argue with a Progressive

They never tell the truth, except by accident,
And when they do, they’ll tell you that they really meant
The opposite, so what’s a trusting man to do?
Admittedly, such perfidy is nothing new,

But we would like to take a person at his word
And not regard such interactions as absurd.
The problem is that there’s a conflict unresolved
Between authentic sapients and the less-evolved.

How do we bridge the chasm in this widening rift?
The answer is:  Provide them with a Grecian gift
Of forthright honesty, and never give them answers,
But ask them questions; notice, too, what nimble dancers

They are when led to see what lives behind their eyes
That cannot navigate the wherefores and the whys.
Enlightenment comes suddenly, or not at all,
And leftists panic with their backs against the wall,

So don’t press forward, though you think you really should,
For stirring up a hornet’s nest will do no good.
Be true to your own thoughts, and let them cling to theirs,
But beg for their deliverance when you say your prayers.

.

.

The Lonely, Misguided Botanist

He’d spent a lifetime interviewing plants
And knew there was no magic blend of herbs
To help him find his way to true romance.
His thrust was long on nouns and short on verbs,
But still he thought there might yet be a chance
To pass along a hefty hoard of pollen
Once all the Rose and Daisy buds have swollen.

He grabbed his 2x magnifying lens
And slipped into his favorite walking shoes,
Then wandered over meadows, through the glens
And up the hills, prepared to share the news—
While sorting doubtful IFs from settled WHENs—
With all the blooming, thus receptive, flowers
About his new ambitious plan.  For hours

He tried to sway them with his botany
And make them understand his pressing need,
But women aren’t at all like plants, you see,
And put no value on his precious seed:
The grand design he framed was not to be.
A thoughtful man will place his full reliance
On social graces rather than on science.

.

.

The Quest for Meaning

There’s always meaning everywhere you look
And anyplace you care to send a thought,
So if, perchance, you dive into a book
Or take apart the toys your parents bought

You when you were an up-and-coming lad,
You’ll see that meaning’s inexhaustible,
Much like the many color schemes of plaid.
A frozen turkey’s not defrostable,

And you will want to understand just why,
To make some sense of how come dinner’s late
Again.  At night you’ll gaze into the sky,
Suppressing shivers as you contemplate

Infinity and subjects close at hand
Who share your journey through the teeming void.
You think about the land you stand on Rand
McNally got so wrong.  You’re not annoyed

Because the meaning in a book—your own
Or Nature’s—howsoever it’s consumed,
Will not become depleted.  That alone
Assures your earnest quests are never doomed.

.

.

C.B. Anderson was the longtime gardener for the PBS television series, The Victory Garden.  Hundreds of his poems have appeared in scores of print and electronic journals out of North America, Great Britain, Ireland, Austria, Australia and India.  His collection, Mortal Soup and the Blue Yonder was published in 2013 by White Violet Press.

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15 Responses

  1. Stephen Dickey

    Great stuff! My favorite couplet is: “The problem is that there’s a conflict unresolved/Between authentic sapients and the less-evolved.” It took a second reading to fully appreciate the ironic play on their sanctimonious peddling of evolution. My favorite is “The Quest for Meaning,” for me the idea becomes deeper precisely because of the poem’s unceremonious air and seamless readability (for lack of a better way of putting it).

    Reply
    • C.B. Anderson

      As it happens, Stephen, I have read quite a few books about the (often unacknowledged) problems of neo-Darwinism. But there is also something that can be called spiritual evolution, which is what progressives lack in general. Do I have to add, “In my opinion?”

      Reply
  2. Joseph S. Salemi

    “The Lonely, Misguided Botanist” is ticklishly wonderful in its overall ambiguity. Does this guy want to dump his “hefty load of pollen” into women, or into flowers? The carefully chosen names of “Rose” and “Daisy” hint at both possibilities. (By the way, think of all the female first names that are floral: Hyacinth, Violet, Ivy, Begonia, Lily, Daphne, Honeysuckle, Camelia, Pansy…)

    The last stanza apparently clears it all up — the women are not interested in his “precious seed,” and don’t seem to respond to botanical appeals. He realizes that he needs “social graces.” But a nice bouquet of flowers might work wonders — at least men have always thought so.

    Reply
    • C.B. Anderson

      You read me perfectly, Joseph. The botanist is confused, and the narrator of the poem knows him all too well, whence the ambiguity. And flowers do work wonders, both for those who grow them and those who receive them as a gift.

      Reply
  3. Cynthia Erlandson

    I really like the wise advice, in “Never Argue…” to ask questions instead of pushing hard for one’s view; I have tried to remind myself to do this, but often forget. You’re right, I think, that it’s much more likely to work than arguing. And it’s also wise, and compassionate (and difficult) to include them in our prayers. Thank you for the good poems, C.B.

    Reply
    • C.B. Anderson

      Yes, Cynthia, asking pointed questions, if managed well, is just the thing to render them speechless or to make them deal with the incoherence of their prospective answers. And don’t think you need to be a saint in order to include these miscreants in your prayers, because some of the possible outcomes are in your own enlightened self-interest.

      Reply
  4. Shaun C. Duncan

    These are fantastic, C.B. “Never Argue…” is excellent advice and is something I’ve put into practice myself quite effectively. It’s helpful that these people are so hyper-politicized that they’re always the ones to bring up politics, which lets me play dumb and still get my point across.

    “The Lonely Misguided Botanist” is a delightful character piece which reveals more sly comedy with each reading. The figure of the botanist, with his obsessive and likely encyclopedic knowledge of genitalia, is a perfectly ironic specimen of a particular type man whose passion has completely alienated him from others. I’ve met a lot of guys like this, from scientists to record collectors – high achievers in their own narrow field but doomed to a lonely life. Some of them are at peace with this, while others sadly are not.

    “The Quest For Meaning” is a near-perfect example of what I admire about your work in general: that you can offer a wise and original take on a such a big subject in a just a few short stanzas with clear and down-to-earth language. I’m in awe of how easy you make it look.

    Reply
    • C.B. Anderson

      I’m not the first person, Shaun, as you surely know, to have suggested inquisition as a superior method of disarming one’s opponents.

      I feel that the botanist poem is a bit of a mishmash, and I am gratified that you have managed to fit all of the parts together. These things are complicated, but I hope never to write anything so obscure that it must be deciphered.

      Plain English is easiest and almost always for the best. Big subjects can usually be reduced well-connected simple ideas.

      Reply
  5. Roy E. Peterson

    As always, C.B., you titillate and enthrall with meaningful inquiry into various subjects. Personally, I find it difficult not to argue with a Progressive, since their logic is so flawed and their leaps of fantasy so corrupt and errant. In your second poem, “The Lonely, Misguided Botanist,” I sense something of your own scientific search, since I recall your background. “The Quest for Meaning” is reassuring, since humans will forever delve into the known and unknown to unearth something new and exciting, and then write tomes about their discoveries, or even their failures.

    Reply
    • C.B. Anderson

      Actually, Roy, I find it easy not to argue with “progressives.” The hard part is refraining from punching them in the mouth. And I think that their illogic is less of a problem than their inability to face facts.

      Though my own career trajectory led me to plants, I am not a botanist (except by avocation); I’m a horticulturist, which means I tend gardens, and I have, to date, three grandchildren.

      It does seem, Roy, that the well of meaning is bottomless.

      Reply
  6. Susan Jarvis Bryant

    All three poems are admirably crafted and highly entertaining – thank you, C.B.! I am particularly drawn to ‘Never Argue with a Progressive’ – I wonder why? 😉 Those ‘social graces’ are calling out to me… they’re getting louder by the day.

    Reply
    • C.B. Anderson

      You wonder why? Probably because you do it all the time, to your credit.

      As for ‘social graces’ calling, it sounds like a certain someone once gave you flowers, and keeps on giving them.

      Reply
  7. Margaret Coats

    In “Never Argue” the hexameters flow so smoothly I hardly noticed the line length at first; I find longer lines difficult to do without having them break and/or need padding. The word “absurd” brought to mind existentialists. I had always wondered why they tend to be leftists, when their philosophy, strictly speaking, is apolitical. But naturally, they would be attracted to the kind of speech that mirrors their view of life as absurd. Great insight, C.B.! Still, for them, meaningful questions from the more “evolved” (and thus more reflective) among us just reinforce their thinking that recognizes no logic in existence. Prayer is their only hope. Again, you offer real and possibly effective solutions in this poem.

    And in “Quest for Meaning,” I admire the unrhymed couplet

    You’ll see that meaning’s inexhaustible,
    Much like the many color schemes in plaid.

    Certainly an original image, and one that Scots relate to. I wear a tartan with an extra (and meaningful) stripe the clan chief does not like. But although I am loyal to him, who is he to say my design is inauthentic, when twenty locations where clan members live have variant striping, all in weathered and ancient coloring as well as standard?

    Reply

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