.

A Temporary Exhibit

A million drops of water will be sprayed
Across my yard today. And each of them
Will capture the refraction of each blade
Of grass, each dandelion leaf and stem.

Each image is reversed and upside-down,
Of course, and everything that I can see
That stands or sits on my small slice of town
Will be refracted, too, including me.

Instead of just two Arnolfinis in
A painting by van Eyck, a million con-
vexed portraits of my twisted, curvy twin
Will self-destruct by falling on my lawn.

If Nature is an artist, then so be it.
If only I were quick enough to see it!

.

.

Swimming On Your Knees

Why is it called the Australian Crawl?
It doesn’t look like you’re crawling at all?
Anyway, how could you crawl through a pool?
If you would try it, you’d look like a fool!

Maybe, perhaps, if you crawled down below,
Along the bottom where no one would know.
But it’s supposed to be swum with a splash,
Swimming’s equivalent hundred-yard dash!

Since it is used in the freestyle event,
People said, “crawl” when it’s “freestyle” they meant.
Now the two words are considered as synonyms,
Kicking your legs while out-stretching your upper limbs.

Swimmers from Texas, I seem to recall,
Pronounce the word with a Lone Star State drawl.

.

.

L’Eau Humor

Or

Not a Drop to . . .

Water—solid, liquid, gas—
Something that you need to pass.
Not the gas, I don’t mean that;
H2O is where it’s at.

Freeze it, turn it into ice.
Summer smoothies sure sound nice.
Boil it, when it steams, you’ll be
Ready for a cup of tea.

Turn the tap, let water drip.
Fill a glass and take a sip.
If you don’t, with gasps and groans,
You’ll be passing kidney stones.

Laundry, dishes, teeth, or bath;
Gardens, lawn, or primrose path.
Ocean, hot tub, swimming pool;
Raindrops, teardrops, spit and drool.

Water, water, everywhere,
Like a multimillionaire
Wearing an Armani suit,
Drink it from a Champagne flute,

But when reservoirs dry out
During an extended drought,
Water’s something we will miss
When there’s not enough to…

.

.

James A. Tweedie is a retired pastor living in Long Beach, Washington. He has written and published six novels, one collection of short stories, and three collections of poetry including Mostly Sonnets, all with Dunecrest Press. His poems have been published nationally and internationally in The Lyric, Poetry Salzburg (Austria) Review, California Quarterly, Asses of Parnassus, Lighten Up Online, Better than Starbucks, Dwell Time, Light, Deronda Review, The Road Not Taken, Fevers of the Mind, Sparks of Calliope, Dancing Poetry, WestWard Quarterly, Society of Classical Poets, and The Chained Muse. He was honored with being chosen as the winner of the 2021 SCP International Poetry Competition.

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11 Responses

  1. Roy Eugene Peterson

    I am bathed with your humor and drowned in precipitation. Enjoyable and fun poems.

    Reply
  2. Jeff Eardley

    Wonderful to read James and I love the Arnolfini image. The punchline at the end is sublime. I am still chuckling. A trio of watery frolics (I’m sure that rhymes with something)

    Reply
  3. Paul A. Freeman

    Enjoyed all, but especially L’Eau Humor which should be on the high school English curriculum, along with the final elision. Great humour.

    Thanks for the reads.

    Reply
  4. Norma Pain

    Thank you for these very funny poems James. I loved “synonyms and upper limbs” rhyme.

    Reply
  5. Joseph S. Salemi

    All three of these are interesting, intriguing, and entertaining. “A Temporary Exhibit’ is very much in the style of a 17th-century “conceit” poem, by making an unexpected connection between the reverse image that we see in a mirror and the same effect in the a drop of rain water. Maintaining this conceit for the entire sonnet, and bringing in the same phenomenon from the Arnolfini wedding portrait, make for a dazzling display.

    “Swimming On Your Knees” is part of a tradition of asking questions about why something has the name that it has, and seeking out facetious or bizarre thoughts as to why it is so named. I have a question as to the last two lines in quatrain 3 — on first reading I thought they were out of sync with the poem’s meter, but then it occurred to me that you needed to rhyme something with “synonyms” (SYN – o – nyms), and so you chose “upper limbs” (UP – per – limbs). This made those two lines dactylically complete, and also meshed perfectly with the idea of the swimmer’s body “out-stretching” itself to do the crawl. Talk about blending meaning and meter perfectly! Was this intentional?

    “L’Eau Humor” is a perfect compilation of elements, reminiscent of John Whitworth’s long lists in some of his poems. It’s a delight to read, especially these lines:

    Ocean, hot tub, swimming pool;
    Raindrops, teardrops, spit and drool.

    That couplet alone would get you cancelled from the State Poetry Societies, with their prissy decorum!

    As for the final two lines, there’s also a long tradition of obscene comic poems that make use of the reader’s rhyme-sense to fill in a blank that might otherwise face censorship. Here’s an old one:

    When a chicken is fat it is ready for plucking;
    When a girl is sixteen she is ready for …… [college] was sometimes inserted here.

    Reply
    • James A. Tweedie

      All intentional including the wordplay re passing water and passing gas in the opening stanza of L’Eau Humor. And thanks for the background on the literary traditions that I unknowingly, but
      fortuitously and serendipitously, embraced!

      Reply
  6. C.B. Anderson

    To borrow a line from Junior Seau, Pastor Tweedie, you haven’t retired — you have graduated. Delectable poems all.

    Reply
  8. Brian A. Yapko

    I very much enjoyed all three of these aquatic poems, James, but my favorite is unquestionably “A Temporary Exhibit” for its meditation on the venerable subject of the relationship between Art & Nature, and with additional fascinating insights into the very act of perception. Ordinary experience has been rendered utterly extraordinary. And what a brilliant title!

    Reply
  9. Susan Jarvis Bryant

    Like Brian, I love “A Temporary Exhibit”. You capture the sheer magic of nature in admirably wrought lines that explode with the beauty that surrounds us. This poem reminds me of the feeling I get when I view the photographs I take on the computer screen. The more we can see of our Creator’s works of art, the closer we get to knowing the wonder of Him. James, thank you!

    Reply
  10. Daniel Kemper

    Just a quick hello from my mobile phone to say that I agree with every comment I skimmed and in particular, I enjoyed your “Low“/L’eau humor…

    Reply

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