.

Jane Doe

These trembling hands are not the first to jostle
away unholy grabs from praying hands;
you crossed the lines Christ drew in coastal
sands before the crowd gathering their stones.
__You blamed me for it all.

Possessed with fierce rapacity, you blurred
the lines—ransacking my temple, breaking doors,
all the drawers and boards of floor; finding stores
of compunctious grief to circumfuse your sins,
__leaving my honor tousled.

Your honor intact—down to my knees, I fall;
my shame on full display in boxes of glass:
sore hips, bruised thighs, crying “God’s good will.”
I’ll confess it all in tattered clothes,
__offering up these last lines—

drawn cross my hurting hands worn from survival,
splayed out as infinitesimal steep ravines,
where creeks of tears flow cross a fleshly live
terrain; washing away all of his sins,
__slipping past stained fingers—

tips thudding glass and hoping to be seen,
but all that anyone sees are just frail shadows
in this vast opaque sea of Jane Does beneath
ceilings tall we sought to shatter, but we’re
__silenced by their secrets.

Banging fiercely, this glass box must fall.
Ravines of lines crossed within all our fists
that you cannot control—cause after all,
when we break this glass, we’ll create windows
__with bright and glorious panes—

casting light on our faces as you fall
from grace, knowing Jesus Christ drew lines
where we now stand—answering the call
to proclaim truth to a crowd dropping stones:
__that all of us were raped.

.

.

Brandi Lawson resides in North Carolina. When not speaking and advocating for anti-trafficking causes, Brandi enjoys composing poetry on her 1932 Smith-Corona Sterling typewriter.

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14 Responses

  1. James A. Tweedie

    Brandi, For me, it is still early in the morning, but it is not too early for your poem to bring tears to my eyes. As a retired, but still active, pastor, I grieve the scandal and disrepute that immoral, hypocritical sexual abuse by so-called “men of God” has brought upon the Gospel of Jesus Christ and his Church. But even more than this, I grieve for the children and adults who have suffered from being sexually abused by people in positions of Christian leadership who became the sort of people Jesus said ought to have millstones tied to their necks and be thrown into the sea.

    In my 45 years of ministry, I can say that in my denomination, at least, such abuse, when reported, suspected, or revealed, has been pursued, investigated and prosecuted in a well-established judicial process that deals with the matter both publicly and decisively. Several pastors who I respected, including the man I asked to preach at my ordination, had their ordinations removed for being sexual predators. I have served on such courts myself, and have voted to convict two pastors of misbehavior, one of whom had his ordination removed (and, in addition, faced civil lawsuits for criminal behavior), and one who, for a lesser offense, had his ordination suspended until certain conditions were met. Both pastors confessed and repented of their misbehavior, and one had been a roommate and personal friend. But repentance and forgiveness does not mean that one is released from responsibility and its consequences. Those who cover up such terrible behavior are complicit in it, are also without excuse, and ought also to be prosecuted and removed from office.

    I have known women who have shared how one incident, or one unwanted touch has traumatized them for life.

    Although your poem captures this from a perspective that I have seen only from the outside, I can nonetheless join in your scream while hoping that your words will encourage those who have long carried their abuse in silence will find the courage–whether with a whisper or a scream of their own–to release their pain and, perhaps, to not only find some measure of justice, but some measure of healing as well.

    As year or so ago I posted a poem that touched on the same subject.

    https://classicalpoets.org/2022/04/15/a-poem-for-those-who-have-suffered-abuse-via-dolorosa-by-james-a-tweedie/

    Thank you, thank you for being bold and brave enough to have written and submitted this poem to SCP. And thanks to Evan for posting it.

    While my comments have focused on the poem’s subject and content, I should add that its effectiveness is a direct result of it having been so finely crafted.

    Reply
    • Brandi Lawson

      James, thank you for sharing. Taking the time to elaborate how this poem effected you is meaningful and appreciated. It is encouraging that your denomination pursues justice and accountability. It is terribly unfortunate when Churches, reflecting a Just God, perpetuate injustice. I can’t imagine how it felt to grapple with such scandal effecting your own pastoral connections. Transparently, your note about having participated in judicial process was a timely encouragement for me. I am grateful you shared this viewpoint. I too feel this way about a clergy member’s egregious behavior, but I have the unfortunate history within the church of enduring victim blaming, shaming, and humiliation. So, thank you for taking the time to read, comment, and even join in the outcry.

      Via Dolorosa was beautiful! As I am up late with anxiety, it provoked a sense of return and rest in Christ. The lamentations echo my own grief and you did a marvelous job capturing the pain abuse victims carry. I am grateful I was granted the opportunity to publish and Evan was a big help in that process.

      Reply
  2. Paul Freeman

    A powerful poem that deserves much re-reading.

    Thanks for writing this, Brandi.

    Reply
  3. Mike Bryant

    Brandi, this adeptly written poem delivers a heart-rending and vital message. As a John Doe who was abused by organized religion and, obviously, the government. I appreciate the courage it took for you to shine a spotlight on the truth.

    I’m speaking up now for all the children of all ages who are suffering worse things than I have. We all like to pretend that this is all in the past and the judicial systems of churches and governments have worked their magic to disappear this insanity. They HAVE worked their magic and have disappeared the issue from the mainstream media and from the approved public conscience. “Everybody is sorry, so just move along.”

    This abuse has gone on for decades and still goes on because the laity are complicit, either ignorantly by assisting the abuse with duplicitous government-funded programs, or by remaining silent in an effort to save a compromised institution, thinking the abused will bring their church down with the truth. Yes, many put tradition above truth… oh the irony. The Pharisees come to mind.

    The more you learn about human trafficking and child abuse, the more you know that governments and organized religion are at one on this game, as they are on many evil enterprises. Most Christian pastors/priests/churches/laity were supporters of the Nazi German government policies, either with their silence or their full support. We are in a similar situation today because the majority of the world’s organized churches are accepting tithes from the compliant/complicit and large payments from world governments, NGOs and charities that enable human trafficking and many, many other evil one-world policies.

    I’m sure that many of the clergy and laity will proclaim their innocence, and will swear that they are among the small minority who have at least a shred of integrity left. I hope they are among those that stand up, speak up and make a difference by removing their financial support.

    YES, WE ARE ALL BEING RAPED…

    Thank you, Brandi for bringing the truth into the light of day.

    Reply
    • James A. Tweedie

      Mike,

      So sad, but grievously moving to hear of your experience.
      One of the founding principles of my denomination is that “Truth is in order to goodness.” Although there is much in my denomination to criticize, in the area under discussion I do believe we have done well. Truth and goodness follow from each other but when one of the two is lacking, the other invariably fails as well.

      As for Germany in the 1930s, I will make no apologies for the majority of the German people and the majority of German pastors and priests who passively submitted to the National Socialist seizure of power in all areas of German life. But I WILL give a shout out to the 139 pastors, 53 church members, and 6 university professors representing the Lutheran, Reformed and United churches of Germany who met in the city of Barmen in May 29-31, 1934 and unanimously adopted what they called the Theological Declaration of Barmen–a document written in Christian defiance against the claims of Nazi authority over the authority of Christ and his Church. The signers of the document risked their lives in forming what they called The Confessing Church, a movement which Hitler quickly crushed by either arresting those who signed, driving them underground, or forcing them to flee the country to escape arrest or death.

      The document is well worth reading and still speaks truth to power.

      The text can be found here, reprinted as it is found in Part One of the Constitution of my denomination.

      https://cathedralofhope.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/03/The-Theological-Declaration-of-Barmen.pdf

      Reply
      • Mike Bryant

        James, that is exactly what I’m talking about. I applaud those men of God as well. Where was the uprising over the government’s shutting down of churches while keeping bars, strip clubs and restaurants open?

        There were a few Godly men that kept their churches open. In Germany it is estimated that about 17% of the Pastors openly defied the government. I fear we are well below that number because so many church charities and NGOs are taking billions from the governments now. Where is the outrage?

        The plain truth is that we have been slowly lead along by government disinformation for many years. The governments have become expert at the big lie. God will be more angry at us since we have seen how badly the churches failed Him in Germany.

    • Brandi Lawson

      Mike, I appreciate your feedback and I am so sorry for the pain you carry. In the sphere of my own church hurt, there has been a great deal of blasé reproach with degradation of victim pain. The religious community I came from harbored a culture of complicity, quite literally demonizing victims as possessed with diabolical motives. As a survivor of trafficking within a religious community, I share in the frustration you are expressing. I spend my time (when I have the energy) educating people about the overlap of human trafficking within religious communities. I am grateful I have the strength to speak up. Thank you for reading my poem!

      Reply
  4. Joseph S. Salemi

    The situation is not helped by the fact that there is an anti-Pope usurping the Papal Chair right now, and he and his appointees and favorites have done all that they can (surreptitiously) to cover up and ignore pedophilia, rape, and molestation cases, while at the same time promoting sexual deviance.

    Reply
  5. C.B. Anderson

    Already in the second line of the poem, I couldn’t help but read “praying hands” as “preying hands.” The good predators (carnivores large & small) maintain the balance of nature, but the bad ones are always in all ways unnatural and deserve death, or its institutional equivalent.

    Reply
  6. Gigi Ryan

    Dear Brandi,
    You have beautifully communicated the suffering, grief, shame and heartbreak endured by so many. With dignity you have increased awareness of these evil crimes. May God continue to bless your words and work on behalf of victims.
    Gigi

    Reply

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