Humor

. Poems by Théodore de Banville (1823-1891) translated by Margaret Coats The Velocipede Half brain, and half a pair of wheels, Transcending anthropology, Calf poised on manufactured heels, Half brain, and half a pair of wheels, This novel animal reveals Darwinian zoology: Half brain, and half a pair of wheels,...

. Deschutes River Reverie The river, swift and shallow, roils its way Beneath the outstretched arms of old-growth pines, Past bank-side willows diamond-dewed with spray, And hillside ferns and thimbleberry vines. A fallen cedar, once a forest lord, Contributes to the nascent euphony As broken branches add a vocal chord...

. Don't Laugh at a Christian God looked down on Noah And said "Construct an ark Bigger than a boat, More like a zoo or park." Friends said he was crazy Until the rain came down. That is when we learned The first fact checkers drowned. . . Some Men...

. Camena Interrupta The measured words of poetryRise round the mystic sphere,Sift through the dirt or sing divineIn strains that soothe or sear. But now the stanzas halt and freeze:Eternity is stilled—The dog looks guilty at the doorThe poet’s muse is chilled. Goodbye “the crescent in the sky,Reaping a horde...

. Dog Tired, Cat on Top The cat sat on the mat, Been there, seen that. The cat sat on the chair, Seen that, been there. The cat sat on the dog, Well, that’s odd. The dog snored on the floor, Tell us more. The cat slept on the dog,...

. Online Research For how long grilling planks should soak __I checked the time online. A website that I noticed first __Called 15 minutes fine. But one more page I saw advised __To do it for an hour, So I presumed it best if other __Websites I would scour. And...

. . Forked   a palindrome poem I’m a toxic-tongued witch with some bitching to weave. No trite tittle-tattle will make me believe My lips drip with syrup and never with sin--- That’s ludicrous gossip---nonsensical din. My tongue bursts with bile and has barbs at its tip--- Its scornful, it’s sharp,...

. Aftertaste Love at first sip was so cloyingly sweet, When I’d have gladly laid all at his feet, Sworn by the heavens his eminent worth, Followed him unto the ends of the earth. Tragic, how quickly he emptied the glass; Shocking, how hastily pleasures can pass. Salty the drops...

. The Spoonerisms Man, or The Moonerisms Span His name was Mr. Spooner and he owned a service station. He kept our vehicles on the road, a noble occupation. So handy with the oily rag, the torque wrench and the socket, Who knew so well the mysteries of pulleys, gears...

. Three Literary Smiles . Hemingway’s Oopsy “Up in my room the rain was coming down Heavily outside on the balcony.” I didn’t know if I should smile or frown At such a dissonant cacophony. It’s in Farewell to Arms by Hemingway Right at the start of Chapter Twenty-Two. It never should...

. Keep Calm and Carry On! “UK heatwave: Temperatures to rise to 41C amid extreme heat warning” ---BBC News  “The first Red Extreme heat warning issued” ---British Met Office The BBC is roaring like the sun With news of scorching days of blazing heat. All burning thoughts of giddy, gleeful...

. Mistress Within those sheets, my mistress lay, her flawless form with perfect feet. One last embrace; I cannot stay! I hear her heart in metered beat. Her voice, a ballad siren song with lyrics begging my delay. But I’ve already been too long! Within those sheets, my mistress lay....

. The Automated Phone System I called up a business But no person answered, I got a phone system With multiple options Some rather confusing; I kept getting transferred, Spent most time just holding; Then after ten minutes I got disconnected. . . He Thought He Was Charming You sure...

. The Drive to Reconcile __We never wish to eat a bug __Or force an unexpected hug, But intimacy doesn’t come without A cost, and those who disagree, no doubt, Are lost.  But nonetheless we cannot see Why we can’t love the ones who disagree __With everything that we believe,...

. Back in My Day I tested my courage---well, no, not really. The heroic stuff had been done before. My generation was all touchy-feely. It was our parents who’d fought the war. The post-war population bulge: I have to admit we did pretty well. No combat stories to divulge, No...

. The Pigeon Once upon a workday morning, sleepy-eyed and loudly yawning, I was splattered without warning by a pigeon from the shore. At my half unconscious stupor, this unpardonable pooper, Took his aim just like a trooper from a raging bloody war, And he peppered me with pigeon poop...

. Pets and People Do cats and kittens ever wonder Why their owners have no fur? Do dogs think it was blind fate’s blunder That the likes of humans were Afflicted with this vile condition, Curse of their unique position On this crazy planet earth? Or do all furred ones,...

. Abiding Senescence My energy and physical abilities Will not again be limitless as once they were. To those more qualified to ponder facts like these, Without a single qualm or doubt I will defer. They tell me I should try to get more exercise, To do my best to...

. Advice from the Untalented They smugly said I’d never make much money From playing with my words and making art, That it would be a waste to spread such honey So any fool could tear the thing apart. “Forget it! You have always been contrarian. There’s money to be...

. An Open Poem to Evil “Gravity is real... it’s hard to keep a bag of shit in the air forever.” ---Alex Wilhelm You goofy spoofin’ kooks are pitchin’ poop. You’re selling poison no one wants to buy. A man can be a woman? That’s a scoop! To groom and...

. A Modernization of “To His Coy Mistress” You say we should some years delay The coming of our wedding day, But God commanded us to try To fruitful be and multiply. To make new life, we cannot shirk; The night shall come, when none can work. Just as she...

. In Praise of Bollywood To India! To visit from afar... My journey there would be a dream fulfilled. To visit Delhi, Agra, Bangalore, To ride an elephant, pluck a sitar; I’d see a thousand temples loudly filled And visit ruins steeped in Sanskrit lore. How I regret I’ve never...

. Speechless I have smelt the perfect scent of the flower of a rose, Known intoxicated freedom where frangipani grows. Watched majestic rivers meet the wild and moody sea, And flown right over mountains where only gods should be. I have drunk the purest water in the deepest caves on...

. . My Thoughts Laid Bear  “Don’t underestimate the value of Doing Nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can’t hear, and not bothering” ---Winnie the Pooh I like to mull. I like to muse. I like perusing others’ views. Philosophers, I've read a few (a Sartre,...

. What Is “Pro-Choice"? If my child were sent to die, Be chopped to pieces like a pig, To spare him death, I’d plead and beg, __His life with mine to buy. Yet pregnant moms demand their “rights” To chop their children in their wombs In hit-men’s bright and sterile...

. "Sound and Fury, Signifying Nothing" ---Lines On Dreadful Instagram Poetry A halitosis belch of steam Spewed out in words. Ream after ream Of cheese puff, air-stuffed offerings Of child's-art-in-thought-bubble things We all have pondered, never wrote, Because to waste the time to quote Self-evident reality Just champions banality. Do...

. Classical Camouflaged __It begins, like all prose poems today, with a bit of narrated diary, as though it were a tale by Hemmingway, but more self-conscious and less flowery. __It then proceeds to rub the reader’s nose in an unrelated past happenstance where the tortured soul of the poet...

. A Tribune to Mrs. Malaprop My fellow poets, lend me your arrears! Of arms and divan I sing. Let’s have three cheers For Mrs. Malaprop, that dole enchanting tongue-tried Miss Communicating aunt From Sheridan’s old comedy of mangers. She spoke with verbal and linguini dangers. Her word-choice wasn’t always...

. A Man’s Retreat A man’s retreat is his garage—a place To keep his vehicle, yes; but also space To store his manly, miscellaneous hoards: The glues and putties; automotive oils, Waxes, wipes, and rubbing compound; slats Of wood; insecticide for pesky gnats; His golf umbrella, towels, clubs, and hats;...

. More than My Queen My Queen has always been a noble force--- A force for good on chilly English days. Her friendly face, her air of grace---my source Of joy in more than crown-and-sceptre ways. I saw her wave her white-gloved, regal hand When I was nine and knotted...

. The Twins _Said one foot to the other, _“Please don’t nag, you’re not my mother, I am sick to death of listening to your woes. _You lament you’re always tired, _Whereas I am always wired, Quit complaining that I’m stepping on your toes. _Even though I’m all about you...

. Karl Barth Platz 1999 Perhaps we walked the same worn cobblestones, Between the same sheer walls, shops clean and trim, Down the same pathways, past the same old homes, And were startled alike by graffiti sneaking in; And gazed, from heights, at Alps presiding higher Than the tallest smokestack,...

. Press On, Regardless Conduct a full internal audit, Then throw all caution to the wind. Expect a decent measured plaudit No hypercritic can rescind. And if you think you can’t do better It’s time that you should think again. Follow the rulebook to the letter, And pay no heed...

. Where Your Treasure Is “Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal: But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal:...

. Nil Carborundum Illegitimi  On dismal days enswathe yourself in rays, Then flash your splash of sunrise with panache. Such zesty citrus, saffron spun displays Will smash malaise with sassy solar dash--- A glowing grin that lifts your lows sky high… __Nil carborundum illegitimi. Brush off the bleak and bask...

. Free-Fall My life has been in free-fall since the day that I was born. __Through clouds and sunshine, I have flown and soared. The trip has been exhilarating since that birth-day morn. __There hasn’t been a day that I’ve been bored. The longer I keep falling all the more...

. Shear Wickedness He was black from his nose to the tip of his tail __But for irises of a rich yellow. In his earlier days he was handsome and hale— __Yes, indeed, a magnificent fellow. But the calendar pages kept turning, alas, __And his ways became labored and stressed....

. All Are Numbered Moving along the narrow grassy rows Under a sherbet sky, time seems to be The only place where nothing ever grows Or dies, and grass remains, eternally Quite clipped and orderly. It truly shows That someone, somewhere, sometime gave it care. Each blade of landscape preens...

. Satan’s Limericks on the Seven Deadly Sins Sepulchrum patens est guttur eorum; linguis suis dolose agebant: venenum aspidum sub labiis eorum. Their throat is an open sepulcher; with their tongues they acted deceitfully: the poison of asps is under their lips. —Psalms 13:3 . Pride Be proud and aggressive...

. The Obsession of Emily Rose (A Cautionary Tale) Emily-May Matilda Rose, from the age of three, Acquired the habit of picking her nose wherever she might be. Though otherwise a child of whom her parents could be proud, Her nasal explorations drew a captivated crowd. Passing folks would stop...