Humor

. The Automated Phone System I called up a business But no person answered, I got a phone system With multiple options Some rather confusing; I kept getting transferred, Spent most time just holding; Then after ten minutes I got disconnected. . . He Thought He Was Charming You sure...

. The Drive to Reconcile __We never wish to eat a bug __Or force an unexpected hug, But intimacy doesn’t come without A cost, and those who disagree, no doubt, Are lost.  But nonetheless we cannot see Why we can’t love the ones who disagree __With everything that we believe,...

. Back in My Day I tested my courage---well, no, not really. The heroic stuff had been done before. My generation was all touchy-feely. It was our parents who’d fought the war. The post-war population bulge: I have to admit we did pretty well. No combat stories to divulge, No...

. The Pigeon Once upon a workday morning, sleepy-eyed and loudly yawning, I was splattered without warning by a pigeon from the shore. At my half unconscious stupor, this unpardonable pooper, Took his aim just like a trooper from a raging bloody war, And he peppered me with pigeon poop...

. Pets and People Do cats and kittens ever wonder Why their owners have no fur? Do dogs think it was blind fate’s blunder That the likes of humans were Afflicted with this vile condition, Curse of their unique position On this crazy planet earth? Or do all furred ones,...

. Abiding Senescence My energy and physical abilities Will not again be limitless as once they were. To those more qualified to ponder facts like these, Without a single qualm or doubt I will defer. They tell me I should try to get more exercise, To do my best to...

. Advice from the Untalented They smugly said I’d never make much money From playing with my words and making art, That it would be a waste to spread such honey So any fool could tear the thing apart. “Forget it! You have always been contrarian. There’s money to be...

. An Open Poem to Evil “Gravity is real... it’s hard to keep a bag of shit in the air forever.” ---Alex Wilhelm You goofy spoofin’ kooks are pitchin’ poop. You’re selling poison no one wants to buy. A man can be a woman? That’s a scoop! To groom and...

. A Modernization of “To His Coy Mistress” You say we should some years delay The coming of our wedding day, But God commanded us to try To fruitful be and multiply. To make new life, we cannot shirk; The night shall come, when none can work. Just as she...

. In Praise of Bollywood To India! To visit from afar... My journey there would be a dream fulfilled. To visit Delhi, Agra, Bangalore, To ride an elephant, pluck a sitar; I’d see a thousand temples loudly filled And visit ruins steeped in Sanskrit lore. How I regret I’ve never...

. Speechless I have smelt the perfect scent of the flower of a rose, Known intoxicated freedom where frangipani grows. Watched majestic rivers meet the wild and moody sea, And flown right over mountains where only gods should be. I have drunk the purest water in the deepest caves on...

. . My Thoughts Laid Bear  “Don’t underestimate the value of Doing Nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can’t hear, and not bothering” ---Winnie the Pooh I like to mull. I like to muse. I like perusing others’ views. Philosophers, I've read a few (a Sartre,...

. What Is “Pro-Choice"? If my child were sent to die, Be chopped to pieces like a pig, To spare him death, I’d plead and beg, __His life with mine to buy. Yet pregnant moms demand their “rights” To chop their children in their wombs In hit-men’s bright and sterile...

. "Sound and Fury, Signifying Nothing" ---Lines On Dreadful Instagram Poetry A halitosis belch of steam Spewed out in words. Ream after ream Of cheese puff, air-stuffed offerings Of child's-art-in-thought-bubble things We all have pondered, never wrote, Because to waste the time to quote Self-evident reality Just champions banality. Do...

. Classical Camouflaged __It begins, like all prose poems today, with a bit of narrated diary, as though it were a tale by Hemmingway, but more self-conscious and less flowery. __It then proceeds to rub the reader’s nose in an unrelated past happenstance where the tortured soul of the poet...

. A Tribune to Mrs. Malaprop My fellow poets, lend me your arrears! Of arms and divan I sing. Let’s have three cheers For Mrs. Malaprop, that dole enchanting tongue-tried Miss Communicating aunt From Sheridan’s old comedy of mangers. She spoke with verbal and linguini dangers. Her word-choice wasn’t always...

. A Man’s Retreat A man’s retreat is his garage—a place To keep his vehicle, yes; but also space To store his manly, miscellaneous hoards: The glues and putties; automotive oils, Waxes, wipes, and rubbing compound; slats Of wood; insecticide for pesky gnats; His golf umbrella, towels, clubs, and hats;...

. More than My Queen My Queen has always been a noble force--- A force for good on chilly English days. Her friendly face, her air of grace---my source Of joy in more than crown-and-sceptre ways. I saw her wave her white-gloved, regal hand When I was nine and knotted...

. The Twins _Said one foot to the other, _“Please don’t nag, you’re not my mother, I am sick to death of listening to your woes. _You lament you’re always tired, _Whereas I am always wired, Quit complaining that I’m stepping on your toes. _Even though I’m all about you...

. Karl Barth Platz 1999 Perhaps we walked the same worn cobblestones, Between the same sheer walls, shops clean and trim, Down the same pathways, past the same old homes, And were startled alike by graffiti sneaking in; And gazed, from heights, at Alps presiding higher Than the tallest smokestack,...

. Press On, Regardless Conduct a full internal audit, Then throw all caution to the wind. Expect a decent measured plaudit No hypercritic can rescind. And if you think you can’t do better It’s time that you should think again. Follow the rulebook to the letter, And pay no heed...

. Where Your Treasure Is “Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal: But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal:...

. Nil Carborundum Illegitimi  On dismal days enswathe yourself in rays, Then flash your splash of sunrise with panache. Such zesty citrus, saffron spun displays Will smash malaise with sassy solar dash--- A glowing grin that lifts your lows sky high… __Nil carborundum illegitimi. Brush off the bleak and bask...

. Free-Fall My life has been in free-fall since the day that I was born. __Through clouds and sunshine, I have flown and soared. The trip has been exhilarating since that birth-day morn. __There hasn’t been a day that I’ve been bored. The longer I keep falling all the more...

. Shear Wickedness He was black from his nose to the tip of his tail __But for irises of a rich yellow. In his earlier days he was handsome and hale— __Yes, indeed, a magnificent fellow. But the calendar pages kept turning, alas, __And his ways became labored and stressed....

. All Are Numbered Moving along the narrow grassy rows Under a sherbet sky, time seems to be The only place where nothing ever grows Or dies, and grass remains, eternally Quite clipped and orderly. It truly shows That someone, somewhere, sometime gave it care. Each blade of landscape preens...

. Satan’s Limericks on the Seven Deadly Sins Sepulchrum patens est guttur eorum; linguis suis dolose agebant: venenum aspidum sub labiis eorum. Their throat is an open sepulcher; with their tongues they acted deceitfully: the poison of asps is under their lips. —Psalms 13:3 . Pride Be proud and aggressive...

. The Obsession of Emily Rose (A Cautionary Tale) Emily-May Matilda Rose, from the age of three, Acquired the habit of picking her nose wherever she might be. Though otherwise a child of whom her parents could be proud, Her nasal explorations drew a captivated crowd. Passing folks would stop...

. Resist Arrest Instead of Arresting Resistance In Denmark, something now is very rotten, As fetid as the food-scraps in the trash That we have, somehow, carelessly forgotten To take outside.  Our mood begins to crash As we reluctantly, ashamed, take heed Of our inured abject incompetence. Some reinvigoration’s what...

. In Honor of Birthing Person's Day In gratitude and thanks I bless the one Who gave me life, who sacrificed each breath; Whose love unbounded warmed me till their death. I praise my dear, beloved birthing person. I bless the day that I became their son. For nine months...

. The Song of Nina Jankowicz The lies burst ripe and rife today. __Their juice spurts forth with pride. The thirst of those who’ve gone astray __Is quenched by gossip’s tide. My job is drenched in poisoned fruit. I’m Nina. I will kill the root __Of grapevines far and wide....

. A Sonnet for My Nephew Your mother held you first, and then your dad, And after that, the nurse. But then: your aunt. You curled inside my arms—such a small lad— My heart was yours right then. You did enchant Me so, and I knew then that you and...

. Revelation You never see suspects admitting their guilt, __Or partisans stating they lied. You’ll never hear soccer stars fearing defeat, __Or macho guys saying they cried. In a world where the truth’s often hidden away, __And the facts can be hard to construe, One thing I would never keep...

. Douglas MacArthur, Et Al. Douglas MacArthur waded through the surf, Unafraid to lead his men in battle. Today, they’d rather write a book, tattle On their bosses, and walk on Astroturf. Just sayin’: MacArthur, Nimitz, Halsey— You gotta give ‘em credit: those men were ballsey. . . Joe Biden,...

. St. George Updated Our age old bold defender __Now an up to date transgender Is consorting with the witless and the woke. He has quit his knight malarkey __Now he hates the patriarchy And our green and pleasant land’s gone up in smoke. He fought the fiercest ogre __Till...

. By George! By George, St. George! You really are a slouch. Arise, pick up your lance, eschew the couch. Like Patrick, Andrew, David, fill our breasts with pride and we shall wear upon our chests your colours---background white, a crimson cross, since of all saints, you’re England’s saintly boss....

. Remembering Ophelia His scathing tongue had thrust her to the edge. It nudged her through the willow’s sunless fringe. She teetered on that petal-littered ledge Where Hades howls and bluest moons unhinge The violet thoughts of agitated minds. The breath of death, it wreathed her in a kiss Of...

. With Boots On Soon after break of day an old man comes Trudging along the thawing roads of Cottage Country (the common land of day and hope) Considering the analects of Spring. At every unploughed drive where frozen slush Prevents all ingress of the motored sort He pauses, then,...

. Hymn to Aurora  1 Aurora, rise and cast your curls Of daybreak through the vapor swirls To drape my face in scarlet beams— Since you left me I’ve had bad dreams. Like waves, my sheets have tossed and turned, I’ve waxed and waned, I’ve dripped and burned, My patience...

. Support the Current Thing Don’t ponder on the horrors of our age. Don’t thumb through all those dusty history tomes. Don’t dally in the dazzle of a sage. Don’t chew on clues and muse like Sherlock Holmes. Don’t scrutinize the motives in Ukraine. Don’t grapple with the rabble on...