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  • #30225 Reply
    Nana Aidoo
    0 Posts

    My dad was the biggest hero,
    Even after being burnt by electricity,
    He was a strong man!
    Even on his death bed!!!
    He was a wonderful individual!!!!
    My dad was loved by so many people,
    Because he did well in his job
    He was known by many people because he was kind!!!
    But you could never cross paths with him
    Make him annoyed or furious
    Cause my dad will always deal with you in his way!!!
    I really do so miss him dear!!!!
    May a soul do REST IN PEACE!!!!
    😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

    ©mensiwa

  • #30226 Reply
    Nana Aidoo
    0 Posts

    One tear

    I wandered in a silent storm,
    Whereas to where my love was?
    As calm shall it dearly sound?
    A deserted farm house covered land!
    It though tore my pride suddenly!!
    As to i could no longer find.
    Where on earth has a love gone?
    Thinking hard had hurt my head!
    My soul, my breath and my everything too!!

    May i ever be helped on finding him?
    Before one tear fall from my eye
    Tomorrow is yet another day!
    A day in which i have to find
    To find a love and bring him to!
    I stumbled upon a piece of love!
    To summon every tear I dropped

    ©mensiwa

  • #30256 Reply
    Mark Stone
    0 Posts

    Nana, Hello. Please keep in mind that my comments are based purely on my personal preferences. Here are my comments regarding the poem “My Father.” 1. I don’t think you need more than one exclamation mark at the end of each line. 2. I would put a period after “job” because it is the end of a sentence. 3. I would put a comma at the end of line 9. 4. I would change “will” to “would,” since the narrator is talking in the past tense. 5. I would change “dear” to “dearly,” since you need an adverb there. 6. In the last line, I would change “a” to “his”. I would also delete “do,” since it is not necessary. Best wishes.

  • #30260 Reply
    Mark Stone
    0 Posts

    Nana, Hello again. Please keep in mind that my comments are based purely on my personal preferences. Here are my comments regarding the poem “One tear.” 1. I would capitalize the first letter of each word in the title, i.e., tear. 2. I would change each “i” to an “I,” since in English we never write a small “i” by itself. 3. I think it would sound more normal if you changed “It though” to “Though it.” 4. I would change “fall” to “falls,” since “tear” is a singular noun. 5. I would put a period after “eye,” a comma after “find” in the second stanza, and a period after “dropped.” Best wishes. Mark

  • #30403 Reply
    JULIAN WOODRUFF
    0 Posts

    Hello, Nana
    On “My Father”: I would echo Mark’s comments. (Actually, I would be even more sparing with exclamation points: then, if you do use one, it has a real kick.) In times past, the “dear” Mark refers to would have been accepted as an adverb in a poetic context. Not so any more. Instead of “… cross paths with him …,” which connotes an encounter, I think simply “… cross him …” better conveys “go against his will.”
    As to content, I would substitute specific instances that show your dad’s strength, even in dying, his success, his strong will etc. That would make him more of an individual, less a type.

    On “One Tear,” again I’d mostly agree with Mark. (There are those who use “i” rather than “I,” and also “&” rather than “and,” but I think it’s a modish practice.) Your line 2 has nice alliteration, but “whereas” sounds prosaic rather than poetic, and you’re using the word in an unfamiliar way. (Maybe you could express the sentiment as a question.) Do lines 4-5 actually constitute a single sentence? If so, I’d either replace the exclamation point with a comma or start line 5 with a lower-case letter. The image of a deserted farm house is powerful, but at first it seems to stand for your emotional state, and then (line 5) for something that affects your emotions. Maybe you could clarify this a bit. Line 6 is even less clear. Might the article “a” in line 7 be dropped? In line 10, “helped to find” would be the normal expression. “… bring him to” means “bring him to me”? Again, not quite clear.
    Best wishes,
    Julian

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