Humor

. A Prayerful Pantoum for the Perpetually Pessimistic  "We'll take a cup of kindness yet, for auld lang syne."  ---Robert Burns For bellyachers belching bile this year For sourpusses (huffish and offended) I’ll pray for spines of steel and hearts of cheer--- A splendid year where rifts are swiftly mended. For sourpusses (huffish and offended) For...

. Mythological Limericks on Defloration . Venus and Adonis Adonis was cute as a berry And Venus was sexy and merry— __The boy said “No dice” __But without thinking twice She jumped him and popped the kid’s cherry. . Hades and Persephone Hades was hot for a missus And longed...

. Sleigh Rides Do Not a Christmas Make While folks down under get to ride their bicycles __And dine alfresco at a Christmas picnic, We blokes up over are avoiding icicles __And making every effort not to nitpick The ugly woolen sweaters Santa left behind. __Because we live in different...

. Dancing Bear I came late to the party. I should have stayed away. When I walked in, I heard the din of party in full sway. I cannot much remember what happened after that. ____I can recall ____The popcorn ball __Was playing with the cat. The women in short...

. . To a Budding Ode   with apologies to John Keats   . I’m in the mood to crack your odic code; To load your stanzas in the mode of Keats--- Acanthus leaf-fringed Grecian urns bestowed To you with rhythmic pipe and timbrel beats. My bardic bent may hit the odd...

. Red and Green . Red Tomatoes Tomatoes fresh or in a jar Must top the list of red by far. Good in various cuisine, Rich in healthy lycopene. According to a dietician, Cook to get the most nutrition. Add to any kind of dish, Steak or chicken, pork or...

. Are you looking for a good poem to read at your Christmas party or gathering? Is it a more serious or light-hearted event? Christmas poems come in a great variety of shapes and sizes. They can be short or quite long, such poet Talbot Hook's adaptation of Dickens' A...

. The Color Plaid At Christmastime, when I was just a lad Of eight or nine, my aunt would bring me gifts: Some books of course, and shirts—but always plaid. I’d little sense of tartan, clan, or rifts There might have been among those Scots back when They’d sooner fight...

. Limericks for Lame Cowboys A cowboy who came from Seattle, Had a habit of disturbing cattle. __The horse made a jump. __He fell on his rump, And now he can't ride in the saddle. The cowboy was brave and had pluck. The rodeo horse could sure buck. __The cowboy...

. There Are Not Enough Hours in the Day There are not enough hours in the dayto take all of the naps I want to take.As soon as I have sprung up from the hayI think I'd rather dream than be awake—so long as they are of the pleasant sort,not...

. The Ballad of Baldy McCass Canteen I From Utah to Colorado rode that wily desperado. Sometimes off to wild Wyoming or Nevada he went roaming. In late afternoons towards banks, high society’s rare ranks, coaches, too, slanted his shadow, having stolen o’er the meadow. Spring and summer, fall and...

. . The Eve of Thanksgiving ‘Tis the eve of Thanksgiving, and all through the class, The students are wishing the time would soon pass. Though it’s nodes, modes, and frequencies they’re told to find, Bright visions of turkeys sashay through each mind. Though the pencils are poised over notebooks...

. “United” Nations? The U.N. won’t condemn Hamas’s slaughter,Supporting those who want Jews underwater.Iran’s a U.N. human rights group head,Though it would like Americans all dead. Two U.N. questions thus remain unclear---Why we’re still in it, and why it’s still here? . . True Apartheid Leftists say Israel uses “apartheid,”Though...

. Ode to Old Tom Old Tom he stalks the English Dales, The Patron Saint of potent ales. He makes you wobble when you walk, He makes you gobble when you talk. He warps the function of your brain, The common-sense from you, he’ll drain. He makes you hang around...

. Poet Paul A. Freeman challenges you to write a nursery rhyme in the style of the Mother Goose classic "Jack and Jill." Below is his model example. Post yours in the comments below. . Nigel Neath Nigel Neath lost all his teeth Through eating too much candy; He threw...

. Word Witch She’ll tease and tempt with mystic words, __This foxy sorceress. Her syntax soars like sun-bound birds--- __This wizard poetess Casts slick linguistic spells that sing __Of Cupid’s carnal kiss. Her saucy muse is sure to bring A red, red rose and diamond ring, __But cannot conjure bliss. She’ll thrill and spill the sweetest sea __Of honey...

. The Great Sonnet I set myself to write a sonnet. I labored hard and long upon it. Sweet verse some maid might shed a tear at, More ere's than one could shake a spear at. I spoke of luv, both hers and his's With lots of thee's and thou's and tis's. "My...

. Mrs. Cyclops Ain’t really gonna leave. I’ll just pretend, Brontesa. Cy and I are bound. I simply Can’t bear to turn a blind eye to my mate--- Not even if our love-life’s off of late; Not even if his skin is coarse and pimply. At least not till his...

. Cystolitholapaxy Cystolitholapaxy (si-stow-luh-THAA-luh-pak-see): a procedure to break up bladder stones into smaller pieces and remove them “It’s Cystolitholapaxy for you, For guys of your age, it’s the best I can do. I’ll see you back here in a couple of weeks, And give me a call if you get...

. The Truth about Fall Colors  I am October’s most submissive bitch, And just when I believed I’d struck it rich, The gold that hovered overhead was blown Away before I’d claimed it for my own. And now the maples turning scarlet red Will shed their leaves on every flower...

. Bunker Hill an excerpt from the forthcoming Legends of Liberty, Vol. 2 . The Eve of Battle The midnight moon. The month of June. A neck Of land. A hill of sand. A group of shadows With wheelbarrows—squeaking. “Quiet, heck!” —“No speaking—whisper!” Shovels out, they burrowed Ditches and raised...

. Blocked Though honeyed breezes warm the marble halls on Mount Parnassus, vainly do I search for writing on my January walls— molasses clogs my veins.  A different church, perhaps a fresh sodality of Muses would put things right.  It’s not that mine are quiet— they all speak up at...

. Season of Gall and Sticky Listlessness Autumn is upon us here in Texas. Her shy arrival’s destined to perplex us. Just like the voiceless aria of Spring, Fall’s muted presence doesn’t change a thing. All year we bear the brutal blare of heat Drumming to the sear of Summer’s beat, Roasting freckled necks till lobster red And toasting every thirsty flowerbed. Some cannot...

. Labyrinthine Bag My wife, bless her heart, went and bought me a bag with tons of compartments, and pouches, and pockets. But searching for stuff is a chore and a drag it takes me forever to locate my dockets. I don't mean to whine, and I do hate to...

. Rhyme Subprime I tend to rant against slant;maybe it’s something I can’t__embrace with affection__or write to perfection but I don’t mean sharing a thoughtin a sensitive way that’s not fraught,__using careful selection__without misdirection so meanings will clearly come throughin the way that I wanted them to,__with proper inflection,__enhancing connection...

. A Draft of Death Did Flavius not inform us How a fart fetched fates enormous? After Flavius Josephus’s account of a Jewish Passover (ca 50 AD), when Ventidius Cumanus was procurator of Judea. While in Jerusalem a throng of Jews, __Each present as a Paschal guest Two decades after...

. On Being “Chopped” On TV, watching the show “Chopped,” I see Three losing chefs go home each episode; And one who celebrates a victory For a dessert they called, “Shrimp a la Mode.” Imagine being a top-notch chef gourmet And hear your Crab Creole described as “bland.” Beneath Ted...

. Cantankerous Limericks on Good English Prose I love a complexly wrought sentence With phrases and colons that went thence __To make concise points __With their well-dovetailed joints And gave one no cause for repentance. Your prose should be sharp as a razor And cut through all crap like a...

. . Freedom high school algebra class; May 12, 1993 . A breeze blows in; it wisps my hair, And flutters papers in the air; It carries, with the scent of rose, A dream---and takes one as it goes. . Upon its wings the gentle breeze Transports sweet memories with...

. Excuse My Excuse An excuse—that’s a word to excuse at those times when I need a good ruse __which I’ll put to good use __while I find some excuse which will not leave folks singing the blues. If the words I misuse are obtuse, as they cruise, they’ll be...

. God Made These Texas Summers The Summer’s come again To the vast Texas plain, Where touching any metal Can instantly cause pain. The horny toads are resting In shadows of the rocks, And cowboys now are wearing Sweat absorbent socks. Meantime down in Houston, Girls’ hair has turned to...

. The Pietà or Mickey Mouse? A book I’ve read depicts a boy Who’s searching for creative joy. His mind can’t focus on a vision, So he’s weighed down by indecision: To carve the rock behind his house— The Pietà or Mickey Mouse? To chip away each chunk of rock...

. Belling the Cat The mice called a council to try to defeat A troublesome cat who would ruthlessly eat Any mouse in the house that she happened to meet. A young mouse spoke first. “Pay attention to me. We’ll fasten a bell on the cat, then you’ll see That...

. Aphorisms for a Foggy Morning No literary monuments exist without the word. A lord who lacks entitlements is patently absurd. A song that has no sound to give has never yet been heard. Two wings for every bird that sings, no cheese without the curd. * The prospects for...

. The Magic Casket 'Twas in the local funeral home __The miracle occurred, As ticking clock hands kissed at noon __And restless spirits stirred… A gasp, a creak, a quake, a crash, __A spectral puff of dust; A ghostly face as gray as ash, __An icy, eerie hush. A casket caught a toiling guy __Who’d plunged right through the ceiling....

. Mosquitoes God designed the darn mosquito, But the reason’s nothing we know. Seems their less than epic purpose Is to bite our epidermis. . . The Left’s Vision for Future Transportation From much of what is heard today It seems that there are forces, Whose discontent will not allay...

. Gordon’s Soup One day old Arthur Vincent Knowling, Quit the couch to take up bowling, Grasped the fact at fifty-three, The time he’d wasted on TV. He’d been a hermit all these years And suddenly was filled with fears That if he didn’t make a plan, He’d die a...

. Ghost in This House "I don’t mind staying in, there’s another ghost here. He sits down in your chair, and he shines with your light, And he lays down his head on your pillow at night.“ —lyrics from “Ghost in This House” by Hugh Prestwood A cherished lover doesn’t...

. The Boy Who Cried Wolf Once there lived a shepherd boy who Despised his dull profession. His job was to alert the town When wolves would show aggression. One Saturday in late July, He thought it would be hilarious To stand at pasture’s edge and shout, “A wolf! Come...

. Pick-up Truck Dude This dude in his old pick-up truck Sped recklessly, riding his luck. __He swerved ‘round the bend, __Lost control in the end, And got his truck stuck in the muck. . . Sleeping Kitten The kitten slept, feeling quite smug, As snug as a bug in...